Grammy Nominee

The Grammy Nominees is a series of various artists compilation albums celebrating the best of the music industry. Albums are released before the airing of the annual Grammy Awards. All of the songs on the albums are Grammy nominated in the year released.

How ’bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out

• by She Says • In Alternative rock, Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee •   Comments Off on How ’bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out

It has been too difficult to even write about. So many things have happened and I am left crying my eyes out in a house all alone. My puppy doesn’t know what to do but she is trying her hardest to comfort me.

I will skip ahead past all of the agonizing things I have been avoiding writing about. A few days ago I posted some meme about listening to Ani DiFranco and a random guy in my town said that School Night was one of the best songs ever. After I said that I would check it out as I did not know it, he warned me not to if I was having a good day. Since I had nothing to lose, I went straight for it after work. It took a few replays and reading the lyrics before it completely wrecked my world. I knew this movie and I did not know there was a sound track. There is a roller coaster of emotions that goes with this song and I am sure its easy to see which line digs the deepest – its the one that reminds me that no matter how soft I get, I am still a jealous lesbian and I don’t know that I can ever escape that.

I haven’t been able to talk to her in so long and its really getting to me. I feel like I did some stupid shit back on July 20th. It was an important day to me and the day prior I was at work and realized that it was the middle day between when my friend Jenn was murdered (July 15th) and the day my brother died (July 25th) so as I will, I took it as a sign that I had to find a way to check on her because I would not loose her to domestic violence or anything else.

Well things didn’t go as planned and I pretty much embarrassed myself while trying to be some super hero.

Here is my tragic song, though I consider it to reside around the middle of August 2013 so this will be a reflection of my agonizing past, and well, I really have no idea what the current reality is – I am so long and afraid of what I don’t understand, I just panic myself constantly while making all of the wrong decisions.

At this point I am putting my trust in her and believing that she knows best. It terrifies me to no end, but I just wait to hear from her, so patiently and possibly stupidly.

I’m already the asshole. I realized it just a few years ago, that he would be furious.. I knew it would be worse when he realized it was me. When I was younger, I was dilutional, I thought – he won’t hate me.. but at some point, it occurred to me that one day.. he would fucking hate me. and I feel.. that day has come.

That’s based on the information I absorbed mid panic attack at the Walgreen’s parking lot. I believe I referred to this Sunday adventure as in the CVS parking lot for the first month or so but once I calmed down I realized that.. that was clearly.. always a Walgreens but sure CVS when you can’t think straight.

It’s really hard that I only want to be part of one person’s life and somehow – I am not capable.

Nevertheless, she deliberated

• by She Says • In Cover Song, Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop Rock, Punk, Rock •   0

When I see one of my snowflake obsidian rocks laying around, I think about how distraught I was just over 2 weeks ago. There I was, after a long day of helping a friend move. We had loaded a different friend’s truck full of trash that I was headed to go dump illegally at my old complex. My car had broken down the day before – so I knew that I better take advantage of my situation.

I stopped at my initials and saw the three rocks were still there, so I picked them up so they didn’t get left. One was a snow flake obsidian, one of a pyrite and I don’t remember the other one but it would have had some sort of protective property to make it into this mix. When I had set them there, I had known my time was running out.

When I turned left at the end of the street, I looked right and saw the Uhaul. I tried to distract myself as I approached my illegal activities. I pulled up to the dumpster, turned my lights out and started throwing trash bags into the dumpster. It filled up quicker than I thought. My friend met me there and unloaded her car as well and then we left back to go to my house – but I took a few detours. I knew that this may be my last chance with a vehicle for a while.

I didn’t have a plan but I had passion, I had fear, there was a sense of panic about me. As I approached the hill, I put my hand in my pocket and pulled out 2 of my largest snowflake obsidian rocks. I held them tightly and thought all of the important words. As I got close to her house, I slowed down. I had planned to throw them towards the Uhaul in hopes that she may see them the next day and think about me a little – I was hoping to provoke a smile on a day that I thought may be extremely difficult for her. When it was time, I shyly through the rocks barely past the road if even that – I was afraid of hitting anything once it came down to it – I wasn’t throwing rocks to cause damage, I was throwing rocks to make her smile.

I may never know if those 2 rocks made it into her drive way at all. I am sure that I will never bring it up but in all reality – that is something that I would do. It just crosses my mind – and I am so thankful that it was not much longer later before my faith in humanity was restored. I shouldn’t be so flakey on such a thing – in reality – I believed in the future the entire time but the world knows that I was sincerely scared and quite the asshole from what I was told. Amazingly enough those claims stopped around the time my spirits were lifted. I’m well aware that I should be better at controlling my emotions, but I’m not and there’s that.

I didn’t stop there – as I went up the hill, I decided to deliver more rocks. It must have been about bar closing time because people were walking around and getting rides to their cars. I pulled up at her work and shamelessly walked over to a curb that I felt might be noticed and set 2 rocks. one was an agate and one may have been a sodalite but that is a guess. It still wasn’t enough. I had to calm my desire for her attention before I could ever go home – so I decided that it was a romantic idea to go over to the back door that she tells me she uses. I set a necklace that I have had for a long time back in a little crack or sorts behind conduit and then I set one more purple rock near it to grab her attention.

I’d like to think that it was much more likely for her to see any of than than my black rocks on asphalt getting ran over by cars. …and that is my story as to where my mind goes when I see one of my snowflake obsidian polished rocks.

In unrelated news – last night as I was trying to say something incredibly intimate, I accidently included – and I fantasize about you often in not so many words. It was at least 3AM many hours later before that occurred to me. She has very much already replied to my confessions in the most positive way but that didn’t stop it from keeping me up for hours realizing just what all those words actually said.

That night my heart was still echoing Uninvited

When that song started playing the night that I was at the show – I had the most 90s moment that I don’t even think that most people will understand so I will explain it to myself as this entire site is just documentation.

Somewhere as the confusion set it, wondering why I had never heard these words before on one my absolute favorite albums of all time. In that moment, the sound clip from the start of Rufio’s Like A Virgin from Pop goes Punk played in my head.

Actual clip because that’s no help:

And well, if you don’t know Dogma, then you don’t know. But I watched her sign Uninvited with so many questions about life and in that second, I would have sworn that I had never heard it before – just because I did skip a few of the songs. Perfect was too slow and sad for me as a kid too – but Mary Jane was just fine.

But don’t you worry, it doesn’t take very many electrons to make this unstable isotopes do a 360.

I dress my face in stone

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Music, Rock •   0

Last week, I worked from home the whole week because someone’s wife had covid. Today, I was one of the lucky ones that got to go back into the office because I wasn’t actually present for whatever meeting they were all ‘exposed’ in. Luckily for me, I have only been working in the office for half of the day and only about 2 of those are hours with other employees. It limits my exposure to all but about 3 people. It also leaves me with very little human interaction, which I usually do not mind at all but after the last few weeks I have had, I just don’t even know what to do to distract myself anymore.

It’s a stark reminder of why I can’t handle being in love. I need someone to talk to but I do not want to talk to anyone but her. Last night I kind of opened up to a random friend that knows a little because I had to explain to her what I meant when I told her that I was in love with someone. This friend happens to be someone that used to like me when we worked together before. She was a teenager so my first reason was that but later I explained to her that despite her age, I was still not interested because of my emotional involvement – it was a common thing to explain to women that thought I was making it all up but I kept it short and sweet and when they realized I was insane – they just left me alone anyway. Well, since she has been hearing about this for several years by now – since it seems faker then longer i said it to people – she was sweet about it. Reminded me that it was probably just as hard in her too and that if she wasn’t reading my messages there was most likely a good reason and the good reason certainly wasn’t that she hated me. I don’t know why it helps when people help me destroy irrational fears, but it does. So I have spent the day trying to remind myself to act my damn age and remember what was important. I still cried way too much but I think I did better. I really have no idea, I actually want to kick my own ass.

I stopped taking all of my mental health medication during covid because it didn’t seem like I needed it anymore. I never had anxiety attacks when I didn’t leave my house. Eventually I quit going to the doctor all together because I got a call from my counselor person saying that she took another job so someone else would be contacting me for my next appointment but then I decided that if she could quit, so could I and since my emotional outbursts were down like we have wanted to do, it seemed successful and I thought I was done. I can’t even remember which came first but here I am, in a new house, completely alone and I haven’t taken any of my medicine in months and I don’t even remember my last psych appointment but he was terrible at phone appointments anyway. In person he could ramble on and on and teach me things about myself that I didn’t know but once it was over the phone, he just asked a few basic questions and took my non answers and refilled the prescription. No one even called me to make that next appointment, A lot of people that go there really need it more than I do, so I can’t imagine what it would have been like if I was worse off – but all that to say is that I guess I am worse off.

I smoke and I drink
And every time I blink
I have a tiny dream

But as bad as I am
I’m proud of the fact
That I’m worse than I seem

I guess I need to ask the lady if I am not as bad as I think…

Right now I feel pretty fucked up. After my friend reminded me that is probably just as hard on her that is on me – I have just wanted to protect her from me.

I am going to go take my medicine now – but I am going to continue to listen to songs that tear me to pieces.

But oh baby, maybe someday
Maybe somehow.

When my conservative aunt found out that I was a lesbian, she cried and the apologized. She said that she didn’t care that I was gay but that my life was already so hard, it just hurt her to know that it was only going to get harder.

At the time, I brushed it aside thinking that was just a nice thing to say – but the more social situations that I fail at, the more I think about her words and what she meant.

She wasn’t saying it because so many people hate gay people like I thought.

She was saying that she saw the sea of heart break coming my way.

I used to fight back.

I don’t even want to anymore. Now I just want to hang my head in shame and wonder why I ever thought love was possible. I am all over the place and all alone. Hungry and can’t it. Isn’t it Ironic… I don’t think.

Last thing, of all the songs at the concert that I knew would make me cry, this next one was not one that I had ever paid attention to before that night and well, its been haunting me since.

https://youtu.be/1veYTsVMsI0

And that is why I just want to cry and apologize for being such a damn lesbian all the time.

The door is open, come on outside

• by admin • In Grammy Nominee, Heartland rock, Music, Rock, Soft Rock •   0

I haven’t been able to sleep well lately.

It’s painful being a little lesbian. It is amplified when I start worrying about his feelings and needs. It’s then that I get embarrassed – not that I am a complete asshole – because I concern myself with his well-being too. Quite frankly it pissing me off in a weird way – like why can’t I just hate him? It’s weird.

No starving dogs here, just good music.

I don’t wanna look back in thirty years

• by admin • In Country, Grammy Nominee, Music •   0

And wonder who you’re married to

Wanna say it now, wanna make it clear
For only you and God to hear
When you love someone
They say you set ’em free
But that ain’t gonna work for me

I don’t wanna live without you
I don’t wanna even breathe
I don’t wanna dream about you
Wanna wake up with you next to meI don’t wanna go down any other road now
I don’t wanna love nobody but you
Lookin’ in your eyes now, if I had to die now
I don’t wanna love nobody but you

I was just clicking through some new site and saw that there was some controversy between Adam Levine and Blake Shelton and when I took a second to read, the real news was that Blake Shelton was marrying Gwen Stefani. There was a slight moment on awkwardness when I thought back to 1996 but here are a few songs that I love and shaped my adolescence. When I listen to them, the emptions they bring really go back to a few core aspects of my life.

When I hear the song Austin, I nearly cry every time. This song came out in 2001 but I group it with all the other late 90s country music. Time blended together back then. I didn’t know true dedication and patience at the time but I have been spending nearly the last decade learning it and when I hear thing song, I just relate to my own life and situation. I can start about anywhere in this song and sing it – its always during the last message that my voice cracks.

I am so detached from the media these days that I had no idea that they were even dating – but Gwen.. she taught me a lot. Taught me to rebel against the conservative family and area that I was growing up in. No Doubt’s Tragic Kingdom and Jewel’s Pieces of You were the first CDs I owned and I feel like that shaped me a lot. Before that I had Collin Raye’s Extremes on tape and any Jimmy Buffet cassette that my dad owned.

When I entered lesbian (secret) lesbian relationships when I was about 15 years old – this would have been my theme song playing in my head as a specific mother wouldn’t let me go for a walk with her daughter because there was no boy present to protect us. It cut me pretty deeply. My dad didn’t do that crap to me thankfully.