Grammy Nominee

The Grammy Nominees is a series of various artists compilation albums celebrating the best of the music industry. Albums are released before the airing of the annual Grammy Awards. All of the songs on the albums are Grammy nominated in the year released.

Oh, into the sea of waking dreams

• by She Says • In Dreams, Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop •   Comments Off on Oh, into the sea of waking dreams

I follow without pride
Because nothing stands between us here

Dream Notes

  • ipad left at my house, opened to gmail
  • top email was unread message from her sister, I knew that I could not read it
  • made sure not to read other subjects in email
  • subject to sister’s email was something like it’s meeeeeee
  • she had a piano recital the next day
  • tubing the river on one large tube balancing each other
  • old fridge
  • hookah on top of fridge
  • discussion with person in house if I was staying as we left saying I wouldn’t want to sleep downstairs
  • house was old, many rooms, white, co-op style
  • somewhere near waco
  • came by my house before leaving
  • had to call him before we left on video call, he didn’t answer which made her nervous
  • she said something important right before I woke up
  • stared into each others eyes communicating without words

In my dream, at one point we were tubing down the river on one tube. you were sitting up on the side somehow and I was hanging on to the edge as we were talking. I only remember one thing that was said but it was pretty specific.

Hookah

To see or smoke a hookah in your dream represents ease and relaxation. Alternatively, it refers to the difficulties your are facing in your waking life. You may be bottling up your emotions.

IPad

To see an iPad in your dream represents modern life and your connections with others. It also suggests that you want to put something on display. Consider the significance of what you are doing on the iPad and how that parallels an aspect of your waking life. Alternatively, seeing an iPad in your dream may be a pun on “your home” or “your place”.

River

To see a clear and calm river in your dream indicates that you are just going with the flow. You are allowing your life to float away. It is time to take a more decisive role in directing your life. Alternatively, a river symbolizes joyful pleasures, peace, prosperity and fertility. It is also reflective of a new stage in your life. If the river is muddy, then it indicates that you are in turmoil.

Alternatively, this dream means you are ready to confront life’s challenges and life’s twists and turns.

Tubing

To dream that you are tubing suggests that you are on experiencing emotional ups and downs.

Refrigerator

To see or open a refrigerator in your dream represents your chilling personality and/or cold emotions. The dream may also be telling you that you need to put some goal, plan, or situation on hold. Alternatively, a refrigerator signifies that you have accomplished what you have been subconsciously seeking.

To dream that the refrigerator has broken down suggests that you need to warm up to somebody or some situation. It is time to let go of those harsh, cold feelings.

If you dream of a very full refrigerator, then it symbolizes your untapped resources.

Piano

To dream that you are playing a piano indicates a quest for harmony in your life. Consider where the piano is placed as a clue as to what aspect of your life needs accordance. If no sound is coming out of the piano, then it implies a lack of confidence. You are not sure about how to express yourself and how to voice your beliefs.

To dream that you hear the sound of a piano suggests harmony in your life. You are pleased with the way your life is going.

To dream that the piano needs to be tuned indicates some aspect of your life is in discord. You need to devote more time to a relationship, family duties, project, or other situation.

North

To dream of the direction north symbolizes reality. It also indicates that you are making progress and moving forward in life.

You’re here, there’s nothing I fear

• by She Says • In Dreams, Grammy Nominee, Pop •   Comments Off on You’re here, there’s nothing I fear

Spent 2.5 decades cringing when such songs played only to deeply listen and sing along as if the energy that is expelled will aid her on her tortuous journey.

I am quite convinced that my dream from last month is coming true and I don’t even care if that is slightly crazy one bit.

In other timely information, I started this site 9 years ago.

I left work crying that day.

She had told me that we couldn’t talk anymore for the first time. My world seemed to crumble. When I was at work, I got a call from a sweet older lady with the same name as her. I was in sales at the time and my boss must have been observing that call actively. The next call came in and my boss started trying to chastise me for not making a sales offer to the sweet old lady. It was hard enough to repeatedly say her name. I am quite sure that my next caller was able to hear me starting to softly cry as I was doing everything I could to make it through my day and then my boss was coming down hard on me for not making a sales offer to a sweet old woman that was probably telling me some heart breaking story in which I refused to accost her with an over priced service she doesn’t need – well – after that following call, I had made it to my lunch break, I walked straight up to my boss and told her that I wouldn’t be back after lunch, that I was sick and that I would get a doctor’s note. I am quite sure that my next move was to my primary doctor to get back on anxiety medication, which is usually my go to when I can’t handle life.

At the time, I would have never believed that I would be where I am 9 years later, in many ways, all of which I consider positive. (Somewhat – that is optimistically speaking). Either way, I would have been thrilled to know that she would even remember my name. As of 9 years ago, I was blindsided and expecting the worst and not seeing what was actually going on – that would take many more years or repeating this pattern before I would realize that it was not something I was imaging and my writing here helped that a lot.

The youtube playlist continued, so I will continue with the most nostalgic of music. This was one of the first 2 CDs I owned:

How ’bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out

• by She Says • In Alternative rock, Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee •   Comments Off on How ’bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out

It has been too difficult to even write about. So many things have happened and I am left crying my eyes out in a house all alone. My puppy doesn’t know what to do but she is trying her hardest to comfort me.

I will skip ahead past all of the agonizing things I have been avoiding writing about. A few days ago I posted some meme about listening to Ani DiFranco and a random guy in my town said that School Night was one of the best songs ever. After I said that I would check it out as I did not know it, he warned me not to if I was having a good day. Since I had nothing to lose, I went straight for it after work. It took a few replays and reading the lyrics before it completely wrecked my world. I knew this movie and I did not know there was a sound track. There is a roller coaster of emotions that goes with this song and I am sure its easy to see which line digs the deepest – its the one that reminds me that no matter how soft I get, I am still a jealous lesbian and I don’t know that I can ever escape that.

I haven’t been able to talk to her in so long and its really getting to me. I feel like I did some stupid shit back on July 20th. It was an important day to me and the day prior I was at work and realized that it was the middle day between when my friend Jenn was murdered (July 15th) and the day my brother died (July 25th) so as I will, I took it as a sign that I had to find a way to check on her because I would not loose her to domestic violence or anything else.

Well things didn’t go as planned and I pretty much embarrassed myself while trying to be some super hero.

Here is my tragic song, though I consider it to reside around the middle of August 2013 so this will be a reflection of my agonizing past, and well, I really have no idea what the current reality is – I am so long and afraid of what I don’t understand, I just panic myself constantly while making all of the wrong decisions.

At this point I am putting my trust in her and believing that she knows best. It terrifies me to no end, but I just wait to hear from her, so patiently and possibly stupidly.

I’m already the asshole. I realized it just a few years ago, that he would be furious.. I knew it would be worse when he realized it was me. When I was younger, I was dilutional, I thought – he won’t hate me.. but at some point, it occurred to me that one day.. he would fucking hate me. and I feel.. that day has come.

That’s based on the information I absorbed mid panic attack at the Walgreen’s parking lot. I believe I referred to this Sunday adventure as in the CVS parking lot for the first month or so but once I calmed down I realized that.. that was clearly.. always a Walgreens but sure CVS when you can’t think straight.

It’s really hard that I only want to be part of one person’s life and somehow – I am not capable.

Nevertheless, she deliberated

• by She Says • In Cover Song, Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop Rock, Punk, Rock •   0

When I see one of my snowflake obsidian rocks laying around, I think about how distraught I was just over 2 weeks ago. There I was, after a long day of helping a friend move. We had loaded a different friend’s truck full of trash that I was headed to go dump illegally at my old complex. My car had broken down the day before – so I knew that I better take advantage of my situation.

I stopped at my initials and saw the three rocks were still there, so I picked them up so they didn’t get left. One was a snow flake obsidian, one of a pyrite and I don’t remember the other one but it would have had some sort of protective property to make it into this mix. When I had set them there, I had known my time was running out.

When I turned left at the end of the street, I looked right and saw the Uhaul. I tried to distract myself as I approached my illegal activities. I pulled up to the dumpster, turned my lights out and started throwing trash bags into the dumpster. It filled up quicker than I thought. My friend met me there and unloaded her car as well and then we left back to go to my house – but I took a few detours. I knew that this may be my last chance with a vehicle for a while.

I didn’t have a plan but I had passion, I had fear, there was a sense of panic about me. As I approached the hill, I put my hand in my pocket and pulled out 2 of my largest snowflake obsidian rocks. I held them tightly and thought all of the important words. As I got close to her house, I slowed down. I had planned to throw them towards the Uhaul in hopes that she may see them the next day and think about me a little – I was hoping to provoke a smile on a day that I thought may be extremely difficult for her. When it was time, I shyly through the rocks barely past the road if even that – I was afraid of hitting anything once it came down to it – I wasn’t throwing rocks to cause damage, I was throwing rocks to make her smile.

I may never know if those 2 rocks made it into her drive way at all. I am sure that I will never bring it up but in all reality – that is something that I would do. It just crosses my mind – and I am so thankful that it was not much longer later before my faith in humanity was restored. I shouldn’t be so flakey on such a thing – in reality – I believed in the future the entire time but the world knows that I was sincerely scared and quite the asshole from what I was told. Amazingly enough those claims stopped around the time my spirits were lifted. I’m well aware that I should be better at controlling my emotions, but I’m not and there’s that.

I didn’t stop there – as I went up the hill, I decided to deliver more rocks. It must have been about bar closing time because people were walking around and getting rides to their cars. I pulled up at her work and shamelessly walked over to a curb that I felt might be noticed and set 2 rocks. one was an agate and one may have been a sodalite but that is a guess. It still wasn’t enough. I had to calm my desire for her attention before I could ever go home – so I decided that it was a romantic idea to go over to the back door that she tells me she uses. I set a necklace that I have had for a long time back in a little crack or sorts behind conduit and then I set one more purple rock near it to grab her attention.

I’d like to think that it was much more likely for her to see any of than than my black rocks on asphalt getting ran over by cars. …and that is my story as to where my mind goes when I see one of my snowflake obsidian polished rocks.

In unrelated news – last night as I was trying to say something incredibly intimate, I accidently included – and I fantasize about you often in not so many words. It was at least 3AM many hours later before that occurred to me. She has very much already replied to my confessions in the most positive way but that didn’t stop it from keeping me up for hours realizing just what all those words actually said.

That night my heart was still echoing Uninvited

When that song started playing the night that I was at the show – I had the most 90s moment that I don’t even think that most people will understand so I will explain it to myself as this entire site is just documentation.

Somewhere as the confusion set it, wondering why I had never heard these words before on one my absolute favorite albums of all time. In that moment, the sound clip from the start of Rufio’s Like A Virgin from Pop goes Punk played in my head.

Actual clip because that’s no help:

And well, if you don’t know Dogma, then you don’t know. But I watched her sign Uninvited with so many questions about life and in that second, I would have sworn that I had never heard it before – just because I did skip a few of the songs. Perfect was too slow and sad for me as a kid too – but Mary Jane was just fine.

But don’t you worry, it doesn’t take very many electrons to make this unstable isotopes do a 360.

I dress my face in stone

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Music, Rock •   0

Last week, I worked from home the whole week because someone’s wife had covid. Today, I was one of the lucky ones that got to go back into the office because I wasn’t actually present for whatever meeting they were all ‘exposed’ in. Luckily for me, I have only been working in the office for half of the day and only about 2 of those are hours with other employees. It limits my exposure to all but about 3 people. It also leaves me with very little human interaction, which I usually do not mind at all but after the last few weeks I have had, I just don’t even know what to do to distract myself anymore.

It’s a stark reminder of why I can’t handle being in love. I need someone to talk to but I do not want to talk to anyone but her. Last night I kind of opened up to a random friend that knows a little because I had to explain to her what I meant when I told her that I was in love with someone. This friend happens to be someone that used to like me when we worked together before. She was a teenager so my first reason was that but later I explained to her that despite her age, I was still not interested because of my emotional involvement – it was a common thing to explain to women that thought I was making it all up but I kept it short and sweet and when they realized I was insane – they just left me alone anyway. Well, since she has been hearing about this for several years by now – since it seems faker then longer i said it to people – she was sweet about it. Reminded me that it was probably just as hard in her too and that if she wasn’t reading my messages there was most likely a good reason and the good reason certainly wasn’t that she hated me. I don’t know why it helps when people help me destroy irrational fears, but it does. So I have spent the day trying to remind myself to act my damn age and remember what was important. I still cried way too much but I think I did better. I really have no idea, I actually want to kick my own ass.

I stopped taking all of my mental health medication during covid because it didn’t seem like I needed it anymore. I never had anxiety attacks when I didn’t leave my house. Eventually I quit going to the doctor all together because I got a call from my counselor person saying that she took another job so someone else would be contacting me for my next appointment but then I decided that if she could quit, so could I and since my emotional outbursts were down like we have wanted to do, it seemed successful and I thought I was done. I can’t even remember which came first but here I am, in a new house, completely alone and I haven’t taken any of my medicine in months and I don’t even remember my last psych appointment but he was terrible at phone appointments anyway. In person he could ramble on and on and teach me things about myself that I didn’t know but once it was over the phone, he just asked a few basic questions and took my non answers and refilled the prescription. No one even called me to make that next appointment, A lot of people that go there really need it more than I do, so I can’t imagine what it would have been like if I was worse off – but all that to say is that I guess I am worse off.

I smoke and I drink
And every time I blink
I have a tiny dream

But as bad as I am
I’m proud of the fact
That I’m worse than I seem

I guess I need to ask the lady if I am not as bad as I think…

Right now I feel pretty fucked up. After my friend reminded me that is probably just as hard on her that is on me – I have just wanted to protect her from me.

I am going to go take my medicine now – but I am going to continue to listen to songs that tear me to pieces.

But oh baby, maybe someday
Maybe somehow.

When my conservative aunt found out that I was a lesbian, she cried and the apologized. She said that she didn’t care that I was gay but that my life was already so hard, it just hurt her to know that it was only going to get harder.

At the time, I brushed it aside thinking that was just a nice thing to say – but the more social situations that I fail at, the more I think about her words and what she meant.

She wasn’t saying it because so many people hate gay people like I thought.

She was saying that she saw the sea of heart break coming my way.

I used to fight back.

I don’t even want to anymore. Now I just want to hang my head in shame and wonder why I ever thought love was possible. I am all over the place and all alone. Hungry and can’t it. Isn’t it Ironic… I don’t think.

Last thing, of all the songs at the concert that I knew would make me cry, this next one was not one that I had ever paid attention to before that night and well, its been haunting me since.

https://youtu.be/1veYTsVMsI0

And that is why I just want to cry and apologize for being such a damn lesbian all the time.