The other night, I had a dream about her again. I didn’t write about it at the time because it may have been the following night after I had the dream about driving around with Matt and I just wanted to calm the fuck down. I try not to wander into the wrong places in life so often.
In my dream about her, she was doing something – presenting to a group. I can not even place it. We were all sitting in a circle on stools of some sort. She may have been painting. She may have been cooking. At the time I was aware of what we were watching. I sat like a stranger in the group. At the time, I knew that it had to be that way.
Mid – whatever we were learning, she smiled at me and I know that my life froze in the best way possible. I don’t remember much else from the dream. There were about 5 other people in the group besides us. They were all to my right.
Last that day I got in a conversation with a trans-man friend of mine. I suppose he is more than just a friend, he is my ex girlfriend from about 2004, so we go way back. He was expressing his struggles with finding decent people to date. He has usually found himself in very small towns, growing up in Southern Oklahoma – he has dealt with a lot.
The more he spoke, the more I realized I can empathize a lot. Lately, I have grown complacent to being misgendered, almost to the point that I am I unphased when my name is spelled wrong – I decide that is my fault and move on.
One reason that I think that I am so passionate about our friendship is that I truly believe she is one of the only people in my life that truly accepts me and when you have lived your entire life on the outside looking in, it is really nice to finally meet someone that accepts you and doesn’t just tolerate you. Up until this point in life, I was thrilled with people tolerating me and trying to understand – it was a lot better than the alternate.
Yesterday, I read this information online about Hyperthymesia and then I went to take a shower. In the shower, I didn’t even realize that I was thinking about it, but it occurred to me that when she said the thing about painting herself into a corner, it may have been about this one thing I read that left me perplexed and second guessing myself worse than ever – but somehow I found some way to get over it emotionally because I don’t think about it much at all. In the information about people that exhibit signs of hyperthymesia are often people that spend a lot of time replaying events in their head. The reason that I can repeat things like they happened yesterday is because, for me, they did happen yesterday and the day before that and the day before that – all so quickly in my mind I don’t even realize that I am thinking about it but I can practically tell you what that post said and I know that it was in December 2013 – probably on the 17th but that could be a guess. I always feel weird on that day so if its not that day, i seem to think it is. It had been months since we had talked. I’d say in October before she went to San Francisco, but I am getting old, I could be wrong. I know it had been months and I can remember the way my heart lit up when I saw her pictures. I replied instantly and do not have the courage to cross-reference my records in Gmail to see what I even said, but it was bad. I am sure it was along the lines of – To the extent that I understand love, I believe that I am completely in love with you – I am sure there is some logical excuse why you diapered and if there is not tell me anything because I will believe whatever you say. Clearly, I am way smoother than that but I am quite sure she saw right through me before I saw anything coming.
Then I read the post. The title is carved in the side of my forgotten memories. At this time I can only remember playmate, but I would have to shamefully say it is only because I was so jealous after I realized or tried to realize what was going on.
We never talked about it. I never wanted to make her feel uncomfortable and I just decided to leave it alone but somehow my subconsciousness wondered over that way as I thought I was relaxed and not thinking in the shower.
I write too many words so I just think I am going to stop now, but this is the song that was that last thing that played as I drove up to work this morning. I have been listening to some 99.9 and it must be some what local but has good music.
Is it strange that I have so many dreams about moving? My psychiatrist always asks me about how I sleep and my dreams, but I never remember anything important when I am talking to him. He says that it is really important to pay attention to your dreams and that they have deep meaning. His name is Dr. Wilson, so I can stop calling him my psychiatrist. I really have no idea what he is but it’s who I see for my medication now – because I wanted to prove a point to someone.
None of the professionals I have seen seem to think that anything is wrong with me. They follow the same stance that Teal does, anyone would feel the same way in such situations – but that doesn’t make me feel any better. My new medicine works really well, until I forget to take it. One missed dose is quite apparent to all around me.
Last night I had a dream that I was moving into a new house. It was huge and had 4 bedrooms. This next part will make no sense but often times, my dreams do not. It seemed to be a house that was built inside a grocery store. I only noticed the store when I walked in. It was like we entered the house through glass atuomatic doors and lived in a 1990s Wheasts. I don’t even know how to spell it but it was some what dark and old timey. We walked to the left and went through an industrial type door and there was our house. I wasn’t happy, because I didn’t like walking through a grocery store to go into my house. The 4 bedrooms were interesting and it was 2 stories. In my bedroom, there was a huge loft and I discussed how the 4 year old could live up there. No adult in their right mind would have let a 4 year old go up in this open loft little alone live up there, so I can not explain that much but somehow everyone had separate rooms and my brother lived downstairs in some office. I was clearly not with my ex but she was there picking out her separate room too.
The next thing I know, I’m walking out side with one of my friends that was helping me move in. Then a car pulled over and picked up up. It was Matt C. and some other random guy. We drove around with them for a while and ended up at a Victorian style house and went inside. We were hanging out in some sort of garage type room when they started talking about art and showed us some small closet that had the strangest paper cut out art I had seen. It was set up like a doll house and the art wasn’t that well done but they loved it and we laughed. I started to ask him some sort of question about if he knew how to do something and it started with, “Do you know..” and he cut me off by saying, “M and kinda laughed.” I just said no in a super embarrassed way but couldn’t remember what I was going to say at that point.
We moved past that quickly and were just smoking when he asked me what my name was. I answered but was somewhat confused. C walked in at some point but nothing noteworthy happened after that – at least not that I recall. It just sort of fades out about that point, maybe that is what happens when you wake up. The 4 year old was at my house last night because apparently she was asking to come over but it was probably more of her mom was tired of her but she woke me up about a million times this morning so I can only imagine that could be it.
I had to take my car to get a few hoses replaced today and as I was driving to pick up the parts and drop off my car, I started to think about the dream. In thinking about the details, I realized that it is not the first time that I have had a dream like this. The driving in the car part was new but the other part seemed quite familiar.
In the end I was left thinking.. I am glad that she doesn’t have to live with all of those guys anymore – I am sure she is much happier that way.
Sometimes, I can hear a song a thousand times and never care about it, but if i I hear it at the right moment, I’m like.. fuck yeah.. today, it was Beverly Hills by Weezer. Amara loves Weezer, I never understood it, but this is how I feel today.
And no, I’d never want to live in Beverly Hills but my first favorite movie was “Troop Beverly Hills” for whatever weird reason. I can not tell you how many times I watched that movie and “Field of Dreams”. If my grandfather’s Hollywood Video account was available we would see he spent hundreds of dollars renting those 2 movies for me. “It’s a Wonderful Life” was the next movie I got extremely attached to.
Where I come from isn’t all that great My automobile is a piece of crap My fashion sense is a little whack And my friends are just as screwy as me
I didn’t go to boarding schools Preppy girls never looked at me Why should they? I ain’t nobody Got nothing in my pocket
This song came on next and it always cuts me to the core. I am a firm believer that everyone in your life is there to teach you something. I am quite sure that Maddison taught me that I am not as mature as I would like to be. I have a lot of mental growth to come and I would never want – to project my issues on my favorite person.
I can’t even pinpoint why I am so persistent and I can’t just walk away, forever, just to leave her alone. I don’t want to be a problem for her. My life is full of defense mechanisms and I can walk out on almost anyone… because I typically do not allow myself to care too much. I feel like I have basically walked out on my mother, but the fact that she did it first to a 2 year old child helps me get through the guilt I feel in that. However, I just can’t – and I am glad she always finds a way to let me know that its okay. Sometimes, just the though of her voice comforts me. I am still quite stuck on wondering what it was she said she was going to explain to me – but I am sure its for the better. I am going to go walk this hyper ass dog, and that the worst path possible, because I lack self control and live in a dream land where magic still happens.
How should I feel about the YouTube videos this algorithm is choosing. I just let it play and think too much. I am sure its because I listen to these songs way too long but why do I even have emotions? I am an aspiring robot but must be failing at that venture.
Yesterday was one hell of a day. I didn’t even have the energy to write about it. My new primary doctor told me that the medicine that I take that is called buspiron is like xanex but without all the negative side effects. At the time she just moved my mid day dose to at night because I was having issues sleeping after losing my job. I went to her on Jan 9. I scheduled it the day after Maddison’s birthday when she brought that girl over to her house for her birthday. I was scared. This dumb as chick loves to threaten me subtly. She posts pictures on her instagram with a gun on her.
So instead of staying home freaking out, I went to talk to the doctor to get more Xanax. At that time, she said that before I take a Xanax try taking the Buspiron which can be taken up to 3 times a day but I am prescribed 2 already so that’s not much room for freak out. The only reason I am saying any of this is that I have been taking 3 for 2 days, but I forgot to take my medicine at all on Tuesday and Wednesday. I should have noticed on Wednesday when my spacer, that I put in my ear because I am a tool, came out and got stuck in my ear canal while I was at work. It came out and I didn’t die but it was a rough hour.
Somehow I noticed that I hadn’t been taking my medicine, which is usually when I start crying over little things but fast forward to Friday. I started taking calls at work which was fine. It was the “lead” that pissed me the fuck off. That’s the person in charge of the 8 of us. She seems to think I am stupid as fuck but my old counter part at work, Kelli, pointed out that she may be intimidated by me. That lead me to do a little research. I found her on LinkedIn and laughed at her work experience. I found out she graduated high school the same year I was born and has been working in I.T. help desks since 2008. which is the last year that I worked I.T.
I was a few calls in, with absolutely no training and she didn’t like the order I was doing things in. Her approach was awful, offended me and made me realize – she really doesn’t know how to do her job. She knows how to do my job just fine – but her skills transfer skills are lacking. I am a bit critical because this is something that I have been doing repeatedly in my former role since 2014, which is longer than she is even been at this job at all – so once again, I am going to need to put my pride and ego aside and remember my place.
I know that my pride and ego get me in a lot of trouble, which is weird for someone that struggles with self esteem so much. It’s easy to believe my case is different. I spend hours a week reminding myself to calm the fuck down and remember my place. Every time my mind drifts off to somewhere, even slightly romantic or intimate – which i do not mean sexual – and I know that it is completely in appropriate, I have to kick my own ass. It isn’t fun. Can you believe that YouTube would move to to Goo Goo Dolls from 3 Doors Down like that?
Today, I picked my music by playing the song that I woke to my brother playing on the guitar and singing, which was “If I could be like that.” The titled seemed like my theme song for the week. I feel like I am so much more, but I keep getting kicked to the bottom and told to start over again. In 2008, I lost my first long term job and first serious relationship that I deeply cared about.. we all know what that means. That’s when I stopped saying those words. It took forever to convince my self that I could do it again. I started at CLINK in 2010 and it was about 2012 before I enjoyed my job and felt comfortable again. It was mid 2013 before I met someone that I truly cared about.
There was a day that I accidentally told her that – That I finally felt like I had my life back. She must have known what was going to happen next, because she didn’t respond as I expected. She paused. We were walking down… her current street towards my current house – nearly 6 years ago. She looked at me, with this very sad look her eyes. I don’t think she said anything next – but I guess she knew what she had to do.. It seems like so long ago, but I know how my heart felt in that very moment.
I must be incredibly distracted today. On March 2nd, I let my ex borrow $900 because she is a con artist and knows just how to manipulate me. She was going to pay me back on the 7th and then the 8th and then yesterday when I got home from work, the minute I got home she asked if I could watch her kid. I said yes, bring the kid and my money over. Somehow that turned into her not talking to me and saying she was going to pay me back at all. Currently, she owes me about $1500 between that and her phone bill and car insurance. She has already got her own car insurance but she has not paid a dime for her phone bill which is more than $100 a month. She took her 4 year old and left for the night. The baby was sad and wanting to hug me. I wish I would have just watched the kid – she says I went psycho but I don’t even know when. Most people would get pissed if someone was refusing to pay them $900.
At the moment, 2 other friends both owe me $300 each… That is over $2000 that people owe me. I am about to send my brother after those motherfuckers. Anyway, people at work think that I am stupid. People that I help think I am stupid.. and I am sad and mad. The end.
Today, YouTube picked the music – But I guess I listen to these songs a lot.
Yesterday was so bad.. her best friend talked to me all night until I fell asleep – giving me little pieces of information to try to help me stay one step ahead.
It made me sad to know that I grew up to be that person. I grew up watching my dad be the woman on the floor.. My mom met her, she stayed at her house for a few weeks and I tried to figure out what I was going to do with her. My mom said – if you stay with this woman, you will live a miserable life. I should have realized, I was hearing this from an expert.
Today, I sent hera message contemplating my bizarre timing since I saw her. I don’t know how she really feels about it because we mostly communicate telepathically and I haven’t mastered the skill yet. I also think that I am funny and probably haven’t mastered that either.
I went to see my grandma today. Somehow, there was enough time to think about the things that I appreciate about her partner.. my life if very complicated.
As I got home, my phone rang and I accidentally answered it. It was my mother. She said that she had been afraid to contact me because she knew how stressed I had been and she did not want to add to it. I ended up getting stressed and asking her to call me back when she knew what she was asking me to do.
I needed a song for this random post so I went on YouTube and clicked on the first thing that appealed to me. I can’t say I specifically enjoy the song but I love the decor in her apartment and I suppose it’s appropriate.
It has been really nice to receive a few reassuring messages that sooth my heart.
Have I mentioned that I am terrified to start a new career tomorrow? I had 25 days off of work and I have been home for 35.
I’m not sure if today got much better. I went with my dad and brother to eat lunch at Industry, despite my lack of flexibility in my pallet.. I ate something there – and it wasn’t that strange. Alright, so I ate a baked potato and picked the over priced chicken off of it but who cares, right?
When she came back from house hunting in Austin, she acted like she didn’t treat me like complete shit screaming at me in the middle of our small apartment complex in front of my brother after asking her to stop. She came right in my house, without knocking and joined me and a friend in my room while we were hanging out. My friend was about to leave, so she left and she stayed with her friend. At some point her friend brought her 4 year old over and I was trying to get them to leave because I did not want to hang out but they did not get a clue so I turned off the light in my room and walked out, leaving them sitting in the dark. I started playing a PS2 game as if it didn’t just happen.
My brother and I played a few NES games until we couldn’t get them to work anymore – but I read something today about unlicensed games overheating in NES and it was this unlicensed game that is 143 NES games in one. It’s nice but doesn’t always work – so then we switched to the PS2 and just like that our video game progressed 15 years. The difference in the graphics and types of games are insane. I can’t even imagine what the new ones are like – I can not handle them yet. My newest system that I use is an original Xbox which was late 2001.
I saw this image on a friend’s facebook page. I saved it on my computer to remind me. It’s not that I need a reminder. I need a spine..
I can’t remember the last time that it was said but one thing that she loves to say to manipulate me is – “You are just as crazy as your mom.” It is so hard for me to open up to anyone about my mom because, its awkward enough for me to have to hear people react to things, but somehow, one way or another, it is always used against me. I don’t think that I talk about my mom much. Most people don’t know much about her. When people that I went to high school with hear about my brother passing away or about my sister, they get confused and ask questions. “I thought Brian was your only brother.” Yeah – well, we didn’t really talk about them much.
I was in 5th grade when my dad decided to move us from New Braunfels to Canyon Lake to get away from my mother. Before that, she was getting drunk and beating my dad, what felt like weekly, but I can’t say that I really know – I was between 6 and 12 years old. I remember a lot of it in great detail, but I don’t know if it is because I lived it or because I have heard stories – but I am quite sure that I remember it. My dad was offered a job by a man in Canyon Lake months prior and he took it. His new boss was helping him relocate closer to the job but he knew that he had to be strategic with this move. He found the smallest place possible, so that he knew that my mom and her kids couldn’t possibly follow. It was a decision that was hard for him and may have haunted him since, but he knew that he had to do it to save us and himself.
The school district was about a year behind the one that we were in so we spent a year relearning the same stuff. We were smart enough to realize this meant we were now behind and we hated it. The kids in our new neighborhood were trouble makers and sucked my brother in quickly. We did what we wanted and took care of ourselves. My dad paid $14,000 for that lot and trailer. I can’t imagine such a price tag, but we were poor and as soon as we entered middle school, I knew it.
My mom started showing back up after I graduated high school or as I was finishing it. I believe there was some sort of child support for her younger two that was to blame for that. My next memory of her was around 1999 when my grandfather had passed away. She was never a considerate or compassionate person and we never really got along until I was the only one left that had any sympathy for her. That day, in ’99, I was in my kitchen and she was at my house for whatever reason. My grandfather had just died suddenly and she made some smart ass remark. I don’t know if I raised my first at her or if I just bucked up to her but I was about to punch her in the face. That is the only moment in my life that I have almost hit someone. My dad was right there and begged me to stop, at the time, I outweighed her by at least 20 lbs and I had watched her beat my dad my whole life. It was not the moment to mess with me – she looked scared, and then I just walked away back to my room.
I have never actually had a physical altercation with my mother, but I am the only one that hasn’t. She has tried to fight with my dad nearly my whole life and he has only defended himself, if that. As we grew up, all of my other siblings have found themselves back under her roof for some reason or another (my father’s roof – she has never had a stable job). She has ended up in jail after calling the police because she thought Brian was fighting with her. The police seem to arrest the drunk one, and there she went that time. They always let her out on a PR bond. My dad thinks that they don’t want to put up with her. She has fought my sister countless times, a few when my sister was pregnant. Stephen.. left early, when he came here to get clean from heroin, but they couldn’t stop fighting so he went back and died within days of returning.
When Stephen died, she started to lose it. We all started to question life and way too much. My dad still struggles and feels like he abandoned them back in 1995, but what could he have done? They ended up in foster care for several years. The things my sister tells me is hard to even listen to.
By June 30, 2016 – which happened to be 32 years after my parents married and 17 years after my grandfather passed away – my mom was causing more problems. The cops were called again, mid day and ended up telling my dad to leave “because he had somewhere else to go.” Which meant he was the one with the car, but he was rightfully upset because it was also his house. We talked to him on the phone and realized how upset he was – so my brother and I got in the car and headed to his house. When we entered the house, we could hear my mom’s loud-drunk talking to herself but she had not realized it was us. I called the police on my way out there so we were just waiting for them. My brother made me wait outside because we didn’t want her to attack us thinking that we were our dad. When the police showed up – she started spouting shit off. I told them I wanted a psych eval on her or whatever they could do because she was a danger to herself and my dad. She left in an ambulance for her second check now – I took her to the hospital after getting direction from the crisis line the first time only for them to force me to go pick her up the next day. Same thing happened this time but I wouldn’t take her back to my dad’s house this time.
Every time, they would shoot her full of Ativan and then check her.. she was calm as fuck – of course they said she was fine and released her. A sedated wild dog is fine too.. So I took matters in my own hands. I put her at the Motel 6 and paid for it with help from my dad. That only lasted a few weeks, because at $300 a week, soon, we couldn’t afford that anymore. I was trying to get her into the woman’s shelter but both counties had some argument to explain why they couldn’t take her. Eventually, some old friend from grade school that used to live next door to her said she could come live with him – because she lied and said how horrible her life was here.. at this point, I am sure he is very aware.
I have to look her up from time to time to see if she is in jail. I have randomly checked multiple times after not hearing from her for a while to find out that she is in jail. I have set up an account so that I can text her in jail. Last time I thought she was going away for a long time because she was told that the next time would be her 3rd strike, but that came and went. https://www.columbusga.gov/sheriff/Inmates.htm
There’s a reason I don’t talk about my mom much. There aren’t many nice things to say about her and her life has turned out to be quite tragic and sad in my eyes. I wish that I knew what to do for all of these people hurting for deeply around me, but if I watch too long, I just cry myself.
Weeks ago, Maddison asked me if she could borrow rent money and a little extra until March 7th. I agreed because she always makes me think that her kids will be without if I do not help her. The reason that she is low on money is because she helped her new chick with $300 in rent and has sent countless amounts of money on her – so much so that she doesn’t have rent or any other money. She knows that I have the ability to help, even though I have done my best to keep how much money I have a secret from her, because I know that she will try to find ways to spend it.
This new girl isn’t someone that she is dating, but someone that she sleeps with and spends all of her money on. I would rather not know that but she makes certain to tell me every detail and gush about her way too often. She is going to look at houses in Austin – I can only hope that she finds one and moves soon. Her lease is up in July – but her grandma gives her whatever money she needs.
She came to my window – in the non sweet way, saying my name to wake me up to ask me to go get her money. Out of laziness, I told her that I would give her my card to go get it but then couldn’t find my wallet. She grew increasingly mad, even though it has been over an hour since that happened and she still hasn’t left yet. She yelled at my window to open my door. I walked to the front door and she started screaming at me outside of our houses. She was yelling that I was a psycho bitch that needed to get help. That was because I told her that she only needed to take out $800, which is $25 over her rent. She asked how she would get through the week. I told her that I would buy her what she needed, but that was all the cash I was comfortable with giving her. She said, “No, it doesn’t work that way.” I know for a fact, that she is trying to get money out of me so that she can go buy things for this girl and I am not having it. If she thinks that I am crazy for trying to protect myself from her than so be it.
Let the record show – she never “made me complete” but I really don’t think anyone needs me to point that out.
