Is it strange that I have so many dreams about moving? My psychiatrist always asks me about how I sleep and my dreams, but I never remember anything important when I am talking to him. He says that it is really important to pay attention to your dreams and that they have deep meaning. His name is Dr. Wilson, so I can stop calling him my psychiatrist. I really have no idea what he is but it’s who I see for my medication now – because I wanted to prove a point to someone.
None of the professionals I have seen seem to think that anything is wrong with me. They follow the same stance that Teal does, anyone would feel the same way in such situations – but that doesn’t make me feel any better. My new medicine works really well, until I forget to take it. One missed dose is quite apparent to all around me.
Last night I had a dream that I was moving into a new house. It was huge and had 4 bedrooms. This next part will make no sense but often times, my dreams do not. It seemed to be a house that was built inside a grocery store. I only noticed the store when I walked in. It was like we entered the house through glass atuomatic doors and lived in a 1990s Wheasts. I don’t even know how to spell it but it was some what dark and old timey. We walked to the left and went through an industrial type door and there was our house. I wasn’t happy, because I didn’t like walking through a grocery store to go into my house. The 4 bedrooms were interesting and it was 2 stories. In my bedroom, there was a huge loft and I discussed how the 4 year old could live up there. No adult in their right mind would have let a 4 year old go up in this open loft little alone live up there, so I can not explain that much but somehow everyone had separate rooms and my brother lived downstairs in some office. I was clearly not with my ex but she was there picking out her separate room too.
The next thing I know, I’m walking out side with one of my friends that was helping me move in. Then a car pulled over and picked up up. It was Matt C. and some other random guy. We drove around with them for a while and ended up at a Victorian style house and went inside. We were hanging out in some sort of garage type room when they started talking about art and showed us some small closet that had the strangest paper cut out art I had seen. It was set up like a doll house and the art wasn’t that well done but they loved it and we laughed. I started to ask him some sort of question about if he knew how to do something and it started with, “Do you know..” and he cut me off by saying, “M and kinda laughed.” I just said no in a super embarrassed way but couldn’t remember what I was going to say at that point.
We moved past that quickly and were just smoking when he asked me what my name was. I answered but was somewhat confused. C walked in at some point but nothing noteworthy happened after that – at least not that I recall. It just sort of fades out about that point, maybe that is what happens when you wake up. The 4 year old was at my house last night because apparently she was asking to come over but it was probably more of her mom was tired of her but she woke me up about a million times this morning so I can only imagine that could be it.
I had to take my car to get a few hoses replaced today and as I was driving to pick up the parts and drop off my car, I started to think about the dream. In thinking about the details, I realized that it is not the first time that I have had a dream like this. The driving in the car part was new but the other part seemed quite familiar.
In the end I was left thinking.. I am glad that she doesn’t have to live with all of those guys anymore – I am sure she is much happier that way.
Sometimes, I can hear a song a thousand times and never care about it, but if i I hear it at the right moment, I’m like.. fuck yeah.. today, it was Beverly Hills by Weezer. Amara loves Weezer, I never understood it, but this is how I feel today.
And no, I’d never want to live in Beverly Hills but my first favorite movie was “Troop Beverly Hills” for whatever weird reason. I can not tell you how many times I watched that movie and “Field of Dreams”. If my grandfather’s Hollywood Video account was available we would see he spent hundreds of dollars renting those 2 movies for me. “It’s a Wonderful Life” was the next movie I got extremely attached to.
Where I come from isn’t all that great
My automobile is a piece of crap
My fashion sense is a little whack
And my friends are just as screwy as meI didn’t go to boarding schools
Preppy girls never looked at me
Why should they? I ain’t nobody
Got nothing in my pocket
This song came on next and it always cuts me to the core. I am a firm believer that everyone in your life is there to teach you something. I am quite sure that Maddison taught me that I am not as mature as I would like to be. I have a lot of mental growth to come and I would never want – to project my issues on my favorite person.
I can’t even pinpoint why I am so persistent and I can’t just walk away, forever, just to leave her alone. I don’t want to be a problem for her. My life is full of defense mechanisms and I can walk out on almost anyone… because I typically do not allow myself to care too much. I feel like I have basically walked out on my mother, but the fact that she did it first to a 2 year old child helps me get through the guilt I feel in that. However, I just can’t – and I am glad she always finds a way to let me know that its okay. Sometimes, just the though of her voice comforts me. I am still quite stuck on wondering what it was she said she was going to explain to me – but I am sure its for the better. I am going to go walk this hyper ass dog, and that the worst path possible, because I lack self control and live in a dream land where magic still happens.
How should I feel about the YouTube videos this algorithm is choosing. I just let it play and think too much. I am sure its because I listen to these songs way too long but why do I even have emotions? I am an aspiring robot but must be failing at that venture.
I want a fast car.
