wish you were here

The world’s a roller coaster

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Grammy Nominee, Music, Rock •   Comments Off on The world’s a roller coaster

Last night, I decided to complain about the supposed delivery time for my pizza to her. I had been smoking for hours with my 21 year old neighbor – basically I am a terrible influence. Then I proceeded to relentlessly flirt with that woman that I love, if anyone could ever perceive it as such.

I made an off handed remark about Stoner Pie and she asked if that is really what I had ordered – which it was. I was trying to introduce the neighbor to french fries on a pizza and then I mentioned that I also liked the jalapeno popper pizza – even though actual jalapeno poppers are usually too spicy for me. In this book that is my life, I was alluding to that time I went to the sandwich shop, dude was there and took my order. He is always pleasant with me because he is or at least was a but clueless – but there I was freaking the fuck out on the inside completely conflicted by my core values – but I knew what I had to do and I was fake as fuck, for her sake.

I had still felt bad and completely guilty, though that has been fading the more than she opens up to me, though I don’t know a thing about what goes on with them, which is fine with me because I couldn’t handle it anyway and she probably knows it. Basically, I over tipped him because I am awkward as fuck and I don’t know what the etiquette is when confronting enemies at the counter. So – I threw my money at him. What better way to say fuck you then handing someone a ten just because you can. I really have no idea what I tipped him but I am an asshole that always felt a but superior walking up in there, usually dressed for work, ordering food from him – but that really just makes me a jerk and it was really just over compensating for the inferiority that I actually felt because I knew damn well that he had what I wanted and there was nothing that I was going to do about it. At this point in time, she had just left the state but I didn’t seem to think I had a chance for what ever reason because 4 years ago today – I made a huge mistake by hanging out with Maddison, which is still negativly affecting my life – but I have her kids and especially the little one that still does not understand – and I just can’t abandon her and it is the most complicated.

Thankfully my love still talks to me and I like to believe that she understands because she too might have ended up in a situation that she just doesn’t know how to get of out – but that is my wild lesbian opinion and I try to remind myself of that. I used to be so extreme that I stopped trusting my own opinion. I am not stupid, just opinionated. As I was all the other extremists in any direction, I see the need for waiver. There is no need to be extreme in any direction, which is why I have been trying to step back since the day I realized it. It was somewhere around a fishing trip she had. Probably a day that pushed her away – as it should, but at the time – I was afraid to be close to anyone – so maybe it was subconscious on my side as well.

My lunch break is ending and I am rambling so I will connect the dots before leaving. When I saw the date, I realized that it had been 4 years to the date since he had given my friends and I free jalapeno poppers – because after I over tipped, she over tipped and then I had to explain myself to her. Here is the entries from that time period. I just surprise myself when that kind of thing happens – I am slightly amazed with myself when I fact check and I am correct about an event. Then I go and tell her and remind myself how insane I sound – and somehow she trusts me and talks to me anyway. That is a level of support I have never known. I am fortunate to know such a little human.

And how we found the same old fears

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Classic Rock, Music, Pop Rock, Rock •   0

As it turns out, I might not be any less jealous.. just better at controlling it and ignoring it or at least distracting myself by overloading – everything.

I found myself appreciative of her candid response. I knew damn well that I was not going to be picking her up from anyway, but yet, I ask – why one may ask and remind me of the basic definition of insanity, but still I persist.

Tonight, as I am trying to fall asleep, I think to myself… ‘He better not be touching her.’ and I realize that.. that it must be the full moon right? There should be something out of my control for me to blame my absurd emotions on. Oh yes, I started.. I don’t want anyone touching my dream lady because my body is preparing itself to have her baby.. that must be it.

That probably doesn’t make it any better than anything else. I have been day dreaming way too much today. I had sent her an email just as I was leaving work. As I was driving home my mind wandered to the ever circling question – does she even read them? That lead to a smile when I thought about my oh so casual trip up the stairs as I was walking and texting that day last week or so.

I was at Madd’s house doing laundry and I had intended on seeing the kid but she was asleep when I got there so I was already a bit disappointed. At some point I started texting my favorite person and as I was walking up stairs to grab something I received a quite unexpected but more than welcomed text that left we with the instant, ‘Well.. I guess she reads my emails…’ How can she possibly stand me? I mean, even I get tired of me at this point. I’m like fuckin’ Screetch – actually I hope not but I do feel like Erkle at times. So anyway – life is like that and I wish that she was holding me tonight.

Sometimes I tell myself that she doesn’t hold it against me because she knows how I feel. Maybe not for a specific person and maybe not a literal translation – but I’ve had some outlandish expectations for quite sometime and then ms. practical magic comes waltzing into my life with one blue eye and eye green eye and cracks the code to my heart as if it was never even encrypted. Then I follow down the path of enlightenment without question or hesitation. I hope that she knows that I would follow her anywhere and I am even more thankful that she is more than delicate with me. The more time that passes and the more things that happen, the more I am convinced that it was all because she really cared – and I don’t even know what that means yeah but I try my hardest to trust in something more powerful than myself and that everything has happened for a reason. It’s hard to believe that there is only two and a half months left in this decade. I have big plans for the 20s and it’s actually to just – wait and see what happens.

Velvet Revolver “Wish You Were Here”

David Bowie/Eddie Vedder “Comfortably Numb”

And show you all the beauty you possess

• by admin • In Music, Pop, Punk •   0

I really hate to say it, but I start to notice when I have forgotten to take my medicine just a few days it. Today makes 3. I cleaned the bathroom and apparently, if its out of site, I forget about it. If only life were so simple, but once again – I really won’t ever wish for that again.

Emotions and feelings seem to be a big struggle. It seems easier to just take medicine and avoid them at all cost, but what about when you start to miss them? Then there is always the moment when you are reminded that those are what seem to get you in trouble.

For some reason, I am back to where I was about 20 years ago – feeling like my family is completely embarrassed of me and that I would be better off if I just didn’t like / care about anyone at all – but I remember that and it was a sad pointless time in my life.

Today, when I saw this video again, I wondered if I was the boy or if I was the dog. It felt all too familiar – and something that I don’t even want to talk about and don’t share with anyone. There is actually not a person in the world that I tell them how I feel about them. Though I do my best to be as open as possible with one – then I always start to panic – because what if.

I have never heard this song before, but I guess I found it tonight. I really would never listen to it but I guess I need some songs that I have never posted before.

Now how about some more gay ass music since I am secure in my sexuality – when I don’t think about it too long, that is.

Laugh if you but this is the best one yet.

I like it when she sings other people’s music – but hers is awful. But damn, I do love Sarah McLaughlin. I never really understood exactly what this song was all about – but I have always been quite partial.

Wish You Were Here

• by admin • In Rock •   0

Something, things are just too real to write about – so I just haven’t. Friday was my mother’s father’s birthday and she had plenty to say. Something has made me start recording my phone calls – mainly to protect myself – and by doing so, I captured a very heart-felt conversation from my mother that made me cry. I don’t know what to think about her leaving me as a baby but I can say that I feel like I am over it. She had horrible things to say about her parents, but then again, they did abandon her and her children. I am sure she has a lot of regrets about life but I didn’t really know what to say.

Then I have been fighting with Maddison constantly. I have been in a fit of rage all weekend. Just typing that makes me thing – yeah.. you should probably take your medicine and calm down… but I just won’t. When I feel like this, I feel like my medicine is a punishment and or an admittance to weakness or an issue. I know that no one likes me when I am mad.. so I keep to myself and it just gets worse.

Something about listening to my recorded concerts makes me feel better. Don’t get me wrong, I feel like a tool when I am one of hundreds recording a concert – but I do put my phone away and ask friends to record once in a while – but it is hard to trust them to do a good job.. but unlike those other tools… I do a lot with my recordings. They help my practice my video editing, which I vowed to improve upon stumbling upon that one YouTube video so long ago.. and I have. I don’t use Final Cut but I think Filmora gets the job done. I would learn premier because I know it is a standard but I never have a computer that powerful so I settle..

I panic so much when too much of my money is out and being borrowed. I have been a mess and very vocal about it with maddison. She hates me right now and I could care less. For some reason I don’t even want to talk about anything directly – mainly because I don’t want to think about it. I hope that she moves soon.

She has spent hundreds on piercings and tattoos and still asks me for money. I try to say no but there is always some long drawn out sob story and she knows just how to get to me.

Today, I put my concert playlist on shuffle, and this song came up and since it couldn’t be more true… I used it. I went to the next video and it was a good one too.

Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

• by admin • In Dreams, Music, Rock, Words •   0

I rearranged my house so much today. I couldn’t help but think about how she said from one hoarder to another.. I hope that she isn’t really bothered by my stuff.. if she only knew how much I would do for her…

Currently, I am trying my damnedest to leave her alone. I miss her so much.. but I keep reminding myself of my dream, and hoping that some how all of that is true.

Tonight, I wanted, more than anything – to just tell her how much I wanted her to hold me.

When I thought about the dream more, I remember that she also said something like she would take perfect care of me one day.. which is weird, I don’t expect anyone to tell me that they will take care of me.

I started to have a sad look on my face when she told me that now was not the time. As I felt my face drop, she gave me this look.. a playful but serious look. It’s as if I completely understand her without words. She seemed to say, “This is not the time for that either..” I tried to act composed. She saw right through me but appreciated the efforts..

Like that – she was gone. I should be used to that by now. Would you believe that I actually thought that I was over being consumed with emotions?