It happened again.
I feel empty.
And I am so mad at him and I don’t even know what to do.
why does love hurt
I ain’t afraid of loosing face…
Tonight is going to be a long night..
How did I think that I was going to react?
Almost makes me wonder about my dream about seeing her wear both rings again. I cried once she made me talk about it with her.. in my dream.
If you knew what I’m left imagining
When I say that I am always completely honest, that is a lie…
I always keep her feelings in mind. It isn’t always the first thing I think about and sometimes I have to calm down and remind myself what’s really important before I stop acting so childish.
If I told her how I really felt….
I would be afraid that I was providing a bias opinion. I know that no one would would give a shit about that but her feelings and best interests are what seem to be most important to me.. Which is exactly why at this point I just want her to tell me that she’s fine but she’s too busy to talk to me. Why is that comforting? I have no clue but I get pretty scared of some irrational things.
Do I really believe all of the things I imagine? I sure as fuck hope not, but crazy shit does happen. I never thought I would end up in such a situation. Just thinking about it all is enough to make me want to cry right now. One can imagine what I was like when I actually did read that post.
Did I say that I read it over and over again? Just to make sure.. that’s what it said. It never changed, and stayed up for so long.
When I think about that – I wonder how she felt when she read my reply – it actually devastates me to think about it. Just recently I was thinking about this, in a, I know its not easy being her either, type way…
This is when I just wish that I could sleep.
It’s 3 am.. I must be – a girl
This girl…..
and if you really like having feelings..
people at work laugh when I drive up jamming out to Adele. My response is, “You must not really know me.”
I’ve never wanted to be someone’s lady so much.. I’m not even sure what to even think about it all.
Well, how can I forget you, girl?
As I walked back to my bedroom from the kitchen, the pumpkin caught my eye. We bought pumpkins to carve back in October when we were having a good moment. She had to go out of state and there they sat waiting to be carved. The one I bought was bigger, something happened to it and it started to rot around Christmas. I haven’t really gone near it in a while, but there’s a pumpkin sitting in there. Interestingly enough, now that I write about it, I am reminded of a pumpkin that I had in Kyle under similar circumstances. It would probably even appear in the background of photos I had taken at the time. There are too many similarities between the two ladies who have caught my attention, right now to the way they disappeared so gracefully from my life after making it such a wonderful place.
‘All day, all night, I’ll be waitin’ standby’
The work day did not go well. Every song on the radio was suddenly speaking to me. I made it all the way to my second call before my caller shared her first name with my heart breaker. I hadn’t cried yet. It was just before lunch when my manager decided to monitor my phone calls and nit pick me at the wrong time. The calls come in back to back so when she wants to give me feedback she just walks over and starts talking to me over my caller, as if I can hear what they are both saying. It’s like, “Don’t let anything distract you from your caller, unless it’s me.” But anyway, she pointed out that I ‘didn’t even attempt’ to sell them tv service or cell phone service. That’s where I would stop and argue if I thought it would get me anywhere.. Oh I attempted, I am sure that it was there in the back of my mind somewhere, but there was no appropriate moment in conversation to fit it in without sounding like a complete tool.
So after she tells me about how I can’t do my job right and reminds me to be consistent, I can’t do much to keep me from just busting into tears. Over the last 5 months, work has become increasingly more stressful. They disbanded the department that I was working in and decided that we were all going to sales. I am no sales person. I can’t even sell myself to the woman that I love. Three more calls come in before lunch, my voice quivered and if anyone was paying attention they would have known how hard I was fighting back the tears.
Over the last 8 years I have learned to stay pretty professional under pressure, call centers will teach you that. It was more than I could take today, so I said I was sick and just left. There’s a good chance that my manager was listening to my next calls too. Who knows what she thought.
Yesterday after I came home from talking to her, I went to a friend’s house because I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t say a word. One of the two women present liked to poke fun at the whole thing. It wasn’t something I was ready to face or talk about. It must have been apparent that something was wrong. My friend asked if anything had happened with my grandma or if i had lost my job. That made me feel like I wasn’t looking so good and, well, I already know that I don’t have a poker face. They made me tell them and I simply muttered out that she didn’t want to talk to me anymore. They seemed to understand where she was coming from and respect her for having the courage to walk away from me. There’s no way to fully understand but I am trying so hard to.
When I was driving home and Selena Gomez’s song caught my attention, I was even more disappointed than when I liked the Wrecking Ball video. My super cool chick would have been so disappointed in my sell out self. Too bad she’s not around to show me good music anymore.
Updated: March 2018, image and tags
Today is going to be a hard day
I woke up feeling like I was hungover without even drinking the night before. I can’t even remember when I drank last. I feel like she means well and wants to watch out for me, but instead, I just feel like I have a bunch of bricks on my chest. I don’t even want to go to work. I cried in front of my friends last night..