unwell

I don’t know why my emotions are running so hard or why I choose to read things that will naturally make me cry. If I was trying to distract myself from how badly I want to be her girlfriend and just… shake this fear I can’t get past – it worked, for a minute, but now that I am alone and crying softly at 4 AM in the morning, I want to be held even more.

This is one of the last things my little brother said to me before he passed away in July of that year. It haunts my entire family and its hurting more than usual.

Reading over that message from him just made me breakdown. It’s not very often that I just want to curl up and cry but today its pouring down. I don’t even want her to know how bad I am hurting so I hope that I can conceal it well enough.

My dog seems to be bothered by my crying. She is circling and staring and I feel bad for even inconveniencing my pup at all.

I keep getting stuck in a conversation with myself about what if she thinks I am acting different for a reason that is not why. Why I am acting like anything? I don’t know. I am terrified in life. Maybe it’s really related to me not taking my medicine. I am sure that I am not. Since I have been working from home, my daily routine is all thrown off. Its been about a month and a half by now and I don’t even know how many times I have taken it. I know that I ran out of one of them a good while ago – maybe that’s why I can’t sleep. In high school, I had issues sleeping. I struggled with my dreams bothering me but I can’t even place what they were that was so bad.

Beware of the flood of Rob Thomas that is about to spill over:

Matchbox Twenty – 3AM (1994)

Matchbox Twenty – Back 2 Good (1996)

Matchbox Twenty 20 – Girl Like That (1996)

Matchbox Twenty – Unwell (2002)

Matchbox Twenty – Bent (2000)

Matchbox Twenty – Bright Lights (2002)

Matchbox Twenty – How Far We’ve Come (2007)

The whole reason that I started this website, blog, mess, talking to my self situation, was to help me stop contacting her so often when she’s… doing her own thing. It looks like October is going to be an active month. It didn’t seem to help me sleep any better – at night. Maybe that’s because I slept all day. This being normal thing is quite difficult.

As I approach 3 AM, I’m going to post a hand full of cheesy songs, so I sure hope I have some leeway when it comes to being cool. I really listen to some bad music sometimes. Here’s to being secure and not giving a shit.. since no one will ever read this anyway.

I’m used to being laughed at, it’s really not that bad. Here’s my heart break compilation. I’m just going to hold my breath until she misses me.

Sometimes I feel so guilty for having feelings for her. Then again, I never know her relationship status so it’s always quite confusing. It creates the largest battle inside me.

Have I already said that all that I want is to fall asleep in her arms while she touches my face softly?

…pull put some hope for me.

Sometimes I wonder how I survived high school without getting beat up…

My brother used to sing this song at karaoke. It must be cool – I guess. He may be the answer to the previous question. He was pretty intimidating and grew up in Timberwood so he knew all those rich kids.

If you only knew how I really felt about all those guys.

I’f I couldn’t sleep, could you sleep?

I know that you’ve got me…

and before I go lay down to dream about her. I will end this depressing ass shit with my favorite song by matchbox twenty. yeah, its true, i like all of these things. she can laugh at me anytime that she wants to.

I am pretty sure that i deserve it at this point.

Well I can’t help but be scared of it all sometimes

I’m so scared that I’ll never get put back together