Some strange things have happened. It started last week when Maddison showed up with a random woman. We all went out to eat including the kids and Erin, the new woman, paid. Since then they have hung out a few times and I have been present for whatever reason and today, I find out that she keeps talking about how much she can’t stop thinking about me.

My ex mad sure to tell her that I was not interested in people or relationships but apparently she proceeded to talk about me all day – which I then had to hear about. When I got home, I asked, “Did you tell her I was in love with someone else?” That is totally my go to line even though I had told Maddison something different originally – we have joked about it plenty since. When I met Maddison, someone special had just moved to Colorado. I had spent a week off of work thinking about it and had what I considered to be a short, emotional conversation with her. It was the first time that she told me that she loved me and I didn’t really take that lightly, well..

Even though she was nothing of the sort and had not been anywhere near it for almost 3 years at this point, one day, when Maddison asked me why I looked sad, I simply replied: “My girlfriend-type-thing just moved to Colorado.” In my mind, I was saying that someone I felt very fond of and had a casual relationship with just moved away – that wasn’t even fact – but what she heard was, “said gf-whatever is far away.” So she started to try to find out how serious it was and I must not have kept up my act very well.

Maddison laughs and asks what she would think if she knew that I had said that. I think to myself that she probably wouldn’t be surprised in the least and I could only hope for a positive reaction.. well today as we discussed this woman, something made Maddison tell me she was interested in having a polyandrous relationship with me or something almost made her interested – well I suppose the confusion on my face lead her to explain whatever to me. I suppose I don’t understand a lot. I drifted off in thought and was no longer thinking about the people involved with what she was talking about. She used the word home base to describe something and I felt the jealousy remind me why no one would even consider making me a ‘side woman’ I suppose the cool kids say. I knew 3 women that were in a decent relationship. I always think about them.

I just like to remind myself, maybe I am just more important than.. those guys girlfriends or whatever I have concerned myself over.

I am glad that no one knows what I ask myself. Oh but the fun part. Somehow we circled back around to my question and she said, yes, I have told her that you are in love with Teal. I denied it but she never believes me. I told her that I have seen Teal many times recently and I don’t think I feel that way anymore, of course she didn’t believe me. I don’t know how she felt about what I did say – but I had to tell someone, and it was my ex.. I said.. I think I am in love with.. ___. She just said, “Oh…?” I just shrugged and said.. its not like it matters anyway. She thinks it’s funny. She said that she had never heard me say that before – the only thing that I could think was – yeah, because you wouldn’t have liked what would have happened if you said I couldn’t talk to her for some reason.. but anyway – there’s that.

It was about this time in 2016 that she left to Colorado. I wonder if she is thinking about me right now.. I wonder if I am awful for – whatever, everything. I try not to even look right as I turn left… doesn’t that count for something? If I had her willpower… our DM would be empty.

But this one time.. long long ago when I was a wild youngster – I saw Type O Negative at The White Rabbit.. I may have seen them there more than once. I know that one of the times Godhead opened for them.

One day I am going to get my ass kicked and I am going to completely deserve it. Today, I realized that I am far too comfortable in life – I take so many things for granted and I am incredibly lucky. Maybe that means my medicine is working well.. but anyway – in those thoughts, I stumbled across the ones where despite life, I trust him completely, and her completely and that’s super weird to say but if he makes her happy then I couldn’t be more appreciative. I still have extremely complicated feelings that I do not understand but I am not about to talk about them with anyone because – when she asked me not to, I stopped, and now – I just psychoanalyze myself and try to move past it without creeping myself out.