“…and in this case, the word digital is referring to fingers.” The district attorney said as he bent his index finger. A word that seemed so common suddenly haunted me. It will be 3 years ago on the 15th that I sat in that room and listened to the gory detail. I knew that it was affecting me and I knew that I didn’t want to eat lunch that day but I didn’t realize that it may have affected a little more.

Eventually I was able to block it out and stop thinking about every detail that I did my best to keep to myself. I wonder if my psychiatrist has already hear the details from someone else that has had to hear them. I had almost forgotten about the smirk in her mugshot that just exacerbated my hate for her. The realization that my mother could have killed me in some psychotic rage so many times in my life really put a lump in my throat. But that had all faded…

Until about two weeks ago when the murderous mother’s capital murder trial started. It wasn’t very publicized and I fear that there could be more details that others will have to stomach – but I realize, if they knew in March of 2017, then I probably already know everything. I read the articles as they were posted. My closest friends talked me about it because they knew that it was a case that was all too close to my tunnel vision little mind. The photos of her changes and at least now she looked uncomfortable. How could she do that and then smile? How does the child’s grandfather feel. Is the father surviving? It has been over 3 years since their baby was taken away from them – my family would have been destroyed if something had happened to my brother and I through out all of the domestic issues.

It takes me right back to that room, where we turned and looked up at the TVs mounted on the wall. We were listening to the 911 call but staring at an audio player. We were all fixated on the green line bouncing with the voice. She tells them that she killed her daughter on the phone. No one in that room could handle what they were hearing that day.

Since I have trailed off finding this quote, I will leave it hear and quit talking about the loss of this baby. When I searched her name I found articles as far as the UK talking about how horrid her smirking mugshot was. It’s not the expression itself, its after being paired with the crime that makes it unbelievable. If it were fiction, then the writers would be doing a great job of grasping my emotions but since it is not that is all I will say about that.

 “A case like this leaves an unforgettable mark on everyone involved, especially the child’s family.” he said. “Every law enforcement member who worked on this case will forever be traumatized by what Ms. Villanueva did to her innocent daughter. I commend all the investigators and officers who endured this horror with calm professionalism so that justice could be done.”