tonic

Then maybe you would understand

• by She Says • In Alternative rock •   Comments Off on Then maybe you would understand

As I was returning from lunch yesterday, I glanced at my phone and saw a photo of herself that she had posted. Just seeing her picture made me extremely shy and smile. I put it away and continued to day dream about her. Many hours later, once home, I look at it again because I miss her so very much. I notice a fine detail and zoom in. Its a fine detail that I have caused a few emotional scenes over, so I think its something she would expect from me. My heart started racing and I had to look again – maybe a few times. Then I wrote her a quick excited message that I would later delete and then repeat a few times.

Things had felt weird in my heart but maybe it was because she was pushing through some heavy shit. My dream reminded me that I really need to watch my own excitement and consider her deepest feelings. I am working on centering my self, so that I can be the strongest person for her. I just hope that she is doing well deep in her heart, I worry so very much about that woman.

She’s got a smile that heals me

• by admin • In Music, Pop, Rock, Soft Rock •   0

Thank you, BOB FM, for introducing me to such music right before bed.

It takes a special type of recluse to be introduced to a song that was recorded over 10 years before you were born. I suppose, that wouldn’t be common knowledge.

Today, I tried my best to tell her something really deep in my heart, as much as you can over a text type communication. There were moments after we said goodnight that I wanted to tell her, “I care about you deeply” because I just feel like there are so many emotions loaded into those words, but maybe it’s just me. It my memory is as accurate as I think it is, the first time that I told her that was right before she left to San Francisco. It meant – I loved her but feared the shear idea of such a thing. Tonight, I felt the need to say all that, but instead, I said goodnight.

Then there are the songs that I have been listening to for as long as I can remember. I have always heard the words but never understood what they could possibly mean – tonight, I realize – every pop song can’t be speaking to me – but I have decided to turn off BOB because apparently, my mind is else where.

I hate when I have to ask what the difference between creepy and romantic is and so far everyone can only tell me, it depends on if they like it. How terrifying is that when you have no idea. Luckily for me, I don’t think I was creepy but I was always afraid that pure human emotion was a thing of the past. This song has always seem somewhere in between to me.

Then maybe you would understand why I feel this way about our love

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Post-Grunge •   0

It’s really no secret that I love 90s rock alternative. Today a song that I have always loved came on the radio right before I arrived at work. It played perfectly up until the point when I had to turn off my car and the song was just ending. I like when that happens. On the subject of secrets, it was months after she told me not to talk about our relationship to others that I realized just why it was a bad idea to share concerns and worries with your friends instead of the lady that causes the feelings..

All of my friends judge me and well.. her, terribly — because they just don’t understand. How could they? I hardly understand, but I continue to believe that I have a firm grip on what’s important.

As my friend gives me a run down of the drama that has ensued in her life lately, it really gave me a perspective as to how she might feel about the situation that we have ended up in.

It’s easy to feel like the victim when you feel like everything is going wrong and you just can’t understand why, but it’s much harder to step back and realize how your words and actions affect others.  She has seen the fear in my eyes, but she has also seen the love.

Where did that point and purpose scurry off too?  It is about that time where it has become lost again.  There has been a few sayings that have given me hope and motivation lately.  Last night I heard one in reference to my friend that is having some issues with her own romantical life… I know that is not a word, but it should be..

Someone told her, “If you are in love with two people at once, you should probably choose the second one.. because something was wrong with the first one to allow this to happen in the first place.”  Now I don’t think those quotes should be on there, because the world knows that I can’t remember exactly what was said, but I heard what I needed to hear.

The other quote was in reference to enlightenment.  I couldn’t even get close with that one because it was days ago but the gist was that one becomes enlightened when they can stop worrying about everything and start letting things take its course.. or thats what I got out of it anyway.  Now it could just be the pills talking, but I have been feeling a lot better about things the more than she tells me, even if its hard to swallow at first.  ..Everything happens for a reason.

In exciting news, I have plans to meet with my favorite lady today after work to get drinks at the coffee shop and go see her rockin new car today. Normally I would be more excited about the car.. but that’s not the case – that’s how you know it’s real.

and as for this lovely song.. She has never told me that she loved me before, except in my dreams.. hilarious but that’s a literal statement, however, if my opinion counts for anything, she’s told me that she loves me in so many more ways.. including a silent, wonderful look..