the waiting song

They think I make a big deal about nothing

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Music •   0

It was today that all of these things crossed my mind:

Maybe she was showing me the ring in the photo of her blazer, I just told myself it was the same one that i already knew the story about

Letters Unsent:

Then I scrolled through all of our exchanged photos briefly – there were many highs and lows – I made it to the end and knew that you were not completely gone. I know you will come back someday.

I still cry a lot – but its been a long time. Well since the freeze, I am sure I cried during the freeze…

I have 2 friends trying to help me. They both seem to understand me, at least somehow – even though they have about 20 years between them. The younger one, Nikki, has been messaging me and seeing how I am doing – she has me reading about shadow work and sent me some link so I decided to go ahead and read it since I really have no room to be picky right now.

Tam, is who I asked to go to the concert with me, we met up with my friend, Jess from Houston and she gave an extra ticket to my sister so there were 4 of us. She has been a big help, she has been softly supporting me when I have no one to talk to. She’s homebound with a brain tumor, so I guess I felt like she was safe since she didn’t know other humans and lives in new braunfels. she’s the twin flame, tarot card hippy friend. she decided to inform me that she failed to fully explain twin flames and said it was much less romantic than i was expecting, so there’s that, for things I don’t know about but want to believe in, I know nothing.

This morning I woke up to a message of her quoting my IG saying, “Aspiring sensitive artist, more like inspiring sensistive artist” and that really hit me where it counts. I explained to her where the phrase came from and she said a few more things that I needed to hear. She has no idea why is he no longer her and certainly doesnt know its something so close to her but she loves my love for you and I can’t say that I get that often.

but I just really miss the connection we have and cant calm myself down thinking that ive just lost you forever and dont even know how or why.

i feel like if I even tried to completely open up, it would just be completely sad and I cant even allow that. but I dont need romatic love – its nearly a forien concept to me at this point, but I need unconditional love — or at least a little friendship like because you’d think that I lost my only friend over here and somehow – I am right back to hating my sexuality and excitement.. It’s a strange place to be.

there are tons of people in my life and I cant deny that but just because i know someone does not mean that I can stand them and it certainly doesnt mean that they mean a thing to me. I am not sure where I am going with this but I have decided that I am not going to send it so away it goes into the internet until I decide that it looks better in the trashcan.

I promised you I’d never give up

• by admin • In Alternative, Grammy Nominee, Music •   0

You get down, real low down
You listen to Coltrane, derail your own train
Well, who hasn’t been there before?
I come ’round, around the hard way
Bring you comics in bed, scrape the mold off the bread
And serve you French toast again
Well, okay, I still get stoned
I’m not the kind of girl you’d take home

Sheryl Crow

I nearly feel guilty for feeling some songs – but I felt it hard.

I hate when I get lost in songs like this. As I left work, it was playing. Of course, I had to roll down my windows and scream it to myself – it makes me feel better – about doing nothing. I know that she wants me and she even confirms everything that I want to hear but I just feel like I can not complete the puzzle and I do not know what to do.

Some nights, its harder than others. But when I feel like this, I feel like I act like this every damn night.

This is it, boys, this is war, what are we waiting for?
Why don’t we break the rules already?
I was never one to believe the hype
Save that for the black and white
I try twice as hard, and I’m half as liked
But here they come again to jack my style

Fun.

And some nights, I’m scared you’ll forget me again

Sometimes the words between the lines scream out at me. That’s when I ask myself what the fuck is wrong with me. How many patterns can you recognize and disregard before you realize that you aren’t quick or smart – possibly closer to fucking stupid but that is an argument with myself that I hope I never have to truly have.

Current political issues have me fearing the future. As Texas makes abortion less accessible – I fear what next. When “If These Walls Could Talk” came out on HBO, I watched them. The look into the history of abortion terrified me but I didn’t think that it applied to my life at all. Its been over a decade since I have watched either but I know every critical scene because they all got through to me. Now that I have experienced life for about 20 years or more since each, I realize how much the right to an abortion is critical and could affect my life drastically if the circumstances were grossly aligned.

The second one has always been deeply rooted in my heart. I was about 16 or 17 years old when I realized why having a marriage license was so important and at the time there was no hope it sight. I never even fathomed the idea that I may have the possibility to get married in America. Eventually I knew a few counties that I could but that would never help me here. Since then, I have met the one and that was before it was even legal. I celebrated her home state allowing same sexed married months or years after we met. After it was federally legal, my mind tended to drift. It’s kind of cool to have never really believed I would marry anyone but one person, as before her – I never knew it could happen. Enough about the gays, we all know about that and today its more about Demi Moore and 1952.

All those thoughts made me connect each song to each other. When the song below plays, I have equal and different emotions in the same direction as the last, I should probably go to sleep soon, she might miss me in our dreams.

He says I know you have to go
You have gone before
We are fighting on two different fronts
Of the same war
But no matter what else
I will do
I will wait for you

Ani DiFranco

My boxer neighbor was over tonight and saw me writing, she asked about the site. She was so impressed, and said things that really made me feel better about my situation. Sometimes I think I vent to her and just tell her how hard it can be and she really can only listen because she has no personal experiences like that and is so sheltered its nearly an innocent opinion.

People act like caring about someone makes you crazy and sometime that can really hurt.

Here is a song that graced my screen today, its a song that goes so far back in my little heart but it never meant this before. This feeling gets stronger every time i hear it as many months usually pass first. Most sound minded lesbians avoud Sarah McLachlan at all cost, Plus we all see those poor pups on TV at the mention of her name.

‘Hold on, for this is going to hurt like hell’
its actually:

I have seen this movie and this combination hurt before I ever hurt play. Sometimes – I feel like I am stuck in a movie.

It’s 1:11 am, do I get to make a wish? I’ll make half of one – that important half.

Your basic average super star

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Indie Folk, Music, Rock, Soft Rock •   0

This song ended just as I pulled up to my house after work. I let it resonate for a moment and I was taken back to nearly a year ago.

Before I get into that, I will mention that I have a friend because he liked the line above, the title to this post, that I have on my facebook page – and he met me in an Ani DiFranco but didn’t recognize it. I suppose it is hard to know all of her songs. So far I think I have covered her first 5 albums from start to finish and I plan to continue but I am moving through them as I read her book and so far they seem to match up and it gives me a deep sense of understand that I couldn’t appreciate more.

Twenty years ago, I was learning about feminism. I feel like I have taught a lot of people a lot but things started getting out of control and feminists started getting a bad name. I have admitted to being sexist and have tried really hard to work on that character flaw and I believe that I have come along way but this song reminds me why things are different this time.

People that have always identified as lesbian probably understand my little lesbian brain that I have yet to fully comprehend. It is so much deeper that the surface and that’s why I don’t let anyone’s critical remarks get to me.

Before my brother met her, he would give me a hard time. He has asked me – so what is so great about SaidLady and we usually have some generic discussion about it – but he is as stubborn and judgmental as they come. There was a point, years ago, that he tried to be really sensitive and explain to me that she might just not be into me. He was completely sincere and was trying to help but it wasn’t long before I felt like I understood why she said what she said that day she told me not to talk about her to my friends.

I feel its a level of maturity that I had not reached yet and then I am reminded it’s probably because we live in this tiny town and I know everyone – that’s not quite true but I am getting there. There’s no telling why that conversation was had but I have done my best to never talk about her but once in a while a smile will be followed by her name in some matter – always her first name, it could be anyone.. that same anyone – all of the time, so a few people this I am insane and I could care less. The activist that is typically in an altered state finds it absolutely adorable – she is one that I had to tell that I was in love with someone else. I think I used that excuse over 10 times when people thought they wanted to get close to me. Anyone that is in it for the right reason will back off real fast – but I have found, when someone just wants your money, attention and children skills, they could care less if you are in love with someone else.

She asked me to hang out the day that I bought the Placebo Album, Sleeping with Ghosts at Kiss n Fly or whatever Sundance was at that moment in time. I met 2 friends and went to the sandwich shop next door when I unexpectedly walked right up to C to order. I nervously over-tipped him and then my awkward friend, L, did too. He brought us jalapeno poppers so he must like me… but we were not tough enough to eat them anyway.

It was a great gesture, especially since I had found an emotion that I did not know existed – what was it? I still don’t know. How do people in the military feel when they come in contact with enemy civilians? I feel like it was something like that. You just look at them, can’t help but make eye contact. Try to make the interaction as brief as possible and hope no one gets killed – what emotion is that?