The Offspring

The more it shows you really care, Right?

• by admin • In Music •   0

It is no secret that I flock to the hippy type girls. I may have no idea what they are talking about but I sure want to. The problem is, when they tell me to go read something, I do – until it freaks me out. Then I stop and decide that I don’t like that part. Decide this is different and well, we are already past that part. Well today, a former co worker, posts a the below and gets my attention. I start commenting with other people and she posts this video after explaining a few things. Well – I have an Offspring song for this but if she is my twin flame, I am honored to take every bit of pain I can for her. I wonder when she will realize that second to a hopeless romantic, I am somewhat masochistic in a very non sexual way – mental and physical pain are just a part of life – I am not afraid of them even if I cry like a baby the entire time.

She words shadow work keep coming up with me lately. My friend Nikki, joined me for karaoke last night and she pointed me to some reading that she thought would benefit me. The word trauma sure gets thrown around a lot in my research.

I am about to schedule an appointment with a new doctor at some fancy wellness center – that’s where my shadow work will start (I haven’t really read much so I have no damn clue like normal).

Lately, I have been craving the strangest thing. I have dreams that she is reading a book to me and I don’t even know what book yet but it keeps going. All I want to do is bury myself in the story just to listen to her voice. She is ridiculously sweet to me throughout the dream – nearly child like.

As stupid as it is, I never even get this shit, even though I think about it all day for days until I actually type it out. It wasn’t even that long ago that I popped off with, “What are daddy issues anyway?” when a blunt friend explained it very clearly. It went something like:

“Well, a lot of people have absent fathers. (Pause) You know how you and your brother have mommy issues, well its like that but with guys”

I don’t think that they meant to be so offensive but it was like someone punched me in the stomach. I actually wanted to start crying and ask if I really felt like this because my mom left me when I was so little. I know it still makes my dad cry if it ever comes up but somehow I was a hardened child and didn’t really think I cared but I knew what the alternate was so I was okay with her being gone – but I guess that was the older years. Anyway – I guess I have abandonment issues and now beautiful women that are nice to me have to deal with it. That’s certainly not something I am going to stand for. I will not be the abusive side of the twin flame or anything else, so here I am scheduling an appointment at some new place that will scan my brain and shit and give me medicine and therapy. I am sure I will hate it but I am committed to not being that asshole or an asshole at all. and.. I tried retaking my medicine on my own and have been sick as shit for days so if anyone is curious, I am not a qualified doctor.. Weird.

So there you have it on why I need to be a better person and go learn what shadow work is so that I can do it because I am not someone that will abandon her just because life is difficult. I welcome it. I may cry, but I will face our demons and try to keep them all on my side, because, I will find a way to be a protector somehow.. the right way.

Also, I am starting to get kind of hungry – have plenty of food but this weird thing happens. Someone told me it was autism but I don’t really know about that, it’s not all of the time. But between my medicine and everything else I just can’t eat and when I do, I can barely finish my plate. I just look at it, pick at it and then eventually let it get cold and throw it away.

This is when bean and cheese tacos from taco c come in handy but i have had those a few times. Carnation cookies and cream breakfast has been helping – I think, is this more than sugar? I am not sure. I know someone’s mom that probably not approve. However I am cold a lot now. When I shiver randomly this late at night, I go to turn the AC up and its already at 75. I wonder if she is falling asleep right now. I wonder if she is cold. I try not to wonder too hard because I need to keep my words on this side of 35 – and I am failing miserably.

As for my movie clip of the day, today, it was Oliver Twist, when I jokingly told Tamlyn that I was going to send the lady a message saying: Please Sir, May I have some more

Oliver Twist Please Sir Blank Template - Imgflip

It was after she had messaged her crush saying “excuse me sir” so I quickly retorted that I was going to start addressing M that way exclusively. and well, it morphed into a sad little orphan.

and if you must know how deeply seeding things can be, is when I see this, I am taken back to a paper cut out of a little news boy and the conversation that surrounded it. damn, I don’t even know how to explain that I am ridiculously into her masculine side in a unfamiliar way.

And one last thing, since this post seems to touch on metaphysics or whatever it may be called, I feel like this is a good place to write that when I asked her to pull a card for me the day that i got the message from M, she pulled the empress which was followed by a lot of uncomfortable questions that I answered matter factly as if I would even know.

She strayed away from the subject when she noticed that i wasnt handling the conversation well. She shifted into statements like it was a fluid card and it didnt necessarily mean that it could be symbolic. Then she said, well. it could be a reversed empress – and well, i havent a clue what that means but she showed me a list of things. It seemed pretty telling except the one I was avoiding. I ignored it for days and eventually asked her if this had anything to do with babies, but it was on IG and she doesnt read my messages anymore and I am sure that I have since deleted it or it has at least buried itself in good mornings and goodnights.

The Empress: Tarot Card Notebook: The Ghoulish Garb: 9781675646212: Amazon.com: Books

and lastly, on a person and knowingly weak note: I tried to start taking my medicine again and it made me so very sick. I just want to be held now.. and I wont even let myself day dream of being cuddled up to her. I sure wish I had an imagination that would just let me cuddle up to anyone, but no, I actually just want permission to day dream. If he only knew.

Someone said it’s all right

• by admin • In Music, Punk Rock •   Comments Off on Someone said it’s all right

There was a time in my life that I thought that The Offspring and Sublime were quite similar in my eyes, no necessarily their music but my thoughts and feelings towards them both. At this point, The Offspring has by fast surpassed Sublime on the list of things I enjoy listening to – many of my friends would disagree. Sometime in 2005, I made an MP3 CD that would not be surpassed for the foreseeable future – it included my two favorite Offspring songs: “Bad Habit” and “No Brakes.” That CD stayed in that car for the rest of that car’s existence as I knew it and might still be in that CD player to this day depending on how much luck the man has had that I sold it to for a disappointing and desperate $500.

If you are a human and reading this – there is a good chance you understand how I feel about the foreseeable future. It has made it way into the list or words I would rather not repeat so forget that I even brought attention to that for no reason at all.

I was angry for the next decade. It would take some deep soul searching and maybe a few gmail searches to reflect back and try and figure out when I lost the chip on my shoulder and decided to concentrate on the future instead of the past. I am not sure if anyone else in my life noticed but I would guess it was somewhere around 2015 give or take some years.

I won’t turn this into a Garbage post and I will give it all to one 90s band but it is true to say that I was angry when I met her.. and I try really hard to convert that anger into understanding now. Once I reach the level of understanding, I just want love, attention and a little comforting – so I don’t even know how far I have come but I like to think that I am much better for her now than I was before. Plus, my ticket for no registration didn’t go to a collections agency.. it was everything else in recent times that has.. That is just another petty remark that shouldn’t be said and appears to have absolutely no basis at all and should be laughed at in good humor but it reminds me that I am not as mature as I want to be, no matter how hard I try.

Just hearing these songs reminds me about how mad I used to be at life.

No Brakes (1998)

I might suck at it, but the important part is that I try

Bad Habit (1994)

He just plays guitar and smokes a lot of pot

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Melodic Hardcore, Pop Rock, Punk Rock, Skate Punk, Words •   0

Something has got to change. I work too hard to feel this way about my house.

I started a list when I was upset about Couch Boy that I never intended to give him but more to collect my thoughts for when I could bring up such items, hopefully not all at the same time, that’s quite overwhelming for anyone.

Please Stop:

  • Leaving wet clothes in the washer
  • Leaving the coffee pot on when no one is home
  • Putting the toilet seat behind the metal bar of the shelf thing
  • Moving items to new locations like the mops
  • Putting plastic bags under the sink (roaches)

Please:

  • Take the dogs out before you leave the house
  • Lock the door behind you if you won’t be home before 8 PM
  • Leave the lights on in the living room between 10 AM and 10 PM on weekends

A friend was over and saw my list. She read it and laughed and said the he complains about half of the items I am irritated with. The thing is, I have set up my life so that I don’t need anyone else and by the looks of people around me, that doesn’t seem to be a common practice – so the fact that I help out nearly 6 other people on a daily basis is starting to get to me.

The reason that I mention this is that I have never asked for anyone that lives with me, 3 of those 6, for any money for bills or rent – I just pay it all despite their electricity consuming habits, internet addictions and disregard for manners when it comes to food that I primarily buy. I can’t tell you how many times I have come to eat something that I bought for the first time and it is already completely gone. At this point, I feel like i have 2 teenage sons – one with a part-time job that can not afford to pay him. The problem is that they are about 36 and 32 and I am not getting any younger either, but I am somewhere in between and should not have to deal with this shit from either of them, but definitely not Couch Boy.

The part that really bothered me was when she went on to tell me that he felt dehumanized because I let my friend, Willa, stay in my brother’s room for the night to watch some TV show that wasn’t kid appropriate. She was having to bunk with the 8 year old next-door because the 4 year old’s grandma was there and took the couch. I had plenty of room, it seemed normal to offer to let her stay in my makeshift room that I have organized for my brother.

I put a TV in there and she used the Xbox to watch some Zoo show. It was nothing the 8 year old needed to see – but somehow, I didn’t tell my guest that is wearing his welcome. I picked him up in January, so maybe it’s about that time. He used to be appreciative and clean. He would always do the dishes and mop the floor but now he is dehumanized when I let someone stay at my house without running it through him.

He must think that he has some sort of say around here. If I was staying somewhere for free, which I haven’t ever except when I lived with my dad until I was 21 because school said that I had to be there or in a dorm, and well, I was too straight-phobic for that. They would have probably hated me and I am not about to go somewhere I think someone will hate me, so I stayed home, but I have been working since I was 16 and I haven’t taken many breaks – ever, so when I see people spending years of their life living off of me, I start to get defensive.

I think that my psych would be proud. The only thing I got out of our visit the other morning was that I needed to set boundaries. He said it in a tone that meant he knew that it was easier said than done but at least we were on the same page. Every time I go in there – he asks me a series of questions about my sleep and my social interactions. I feel like he wants me to say more because then he says things like, “Sounds like you are married to your work, its okay, a lot of us are.” We talked about my mom – so far I have not found anyone that has given me any trouble about what I did – but I know people can tell it bothers me, because I have gotten plenty of reassurance.

Maybe jail is the best place for her. My texts have ran out and I don’t really want to spend the money that I have on them. Her last text said to use her card information to spend $50 out of her account, she insisted. She knows that our texts cost 50 cents each way, I remind her because sometimes each of us forgets, at least I do. I see her text and reply with my first sentence thought and then realize that I just paid 2 cents a character.

I can’t tell you how many times I have been called selfish in my life, even while over giving to help someone. It boggles my mind. I am sure that I am selfish, because that sounds efficient to me, but if I was so selfish, I feel like I would have a lot more at this point.