Getting out of bed in the morning is always the hardest part.  Maybe I should change the time that I have been taking my medicine.  People say it can make a difference.  I strolled into work a casual 20 minutes late but no one complained.  Luckily, last Thursday I went straight into work and took the next available day off.  Thank you last week me for knowing that this week me would still not want to have anything to do with work.  It’s almost like I have been here before and I just don’t want to see another self fulfilled prophecy, so I can’t even talk about that, but I plan on doing things a lot differently.

Last time I felt like I had lost everything that I had dreamed about for so long, I went a little… wild.  I was on a search for something that is not easy to find and I went about it all the wrong way for so long.  In about 2012 I had realized that it just wasn’t working for me and quit dating ladies.. I actually hadn’t called anyone my girlfriend since 2009, until I met her.

She called me her girlfriend first, and since I wasn’t trying to find myself in some weird embarrassing situation, I was sooo clear.  I had asked her if we were actually together, you know, before I went and told the whole world.  It was a Saturday, it was slow at work, and I actually posted it on facebook and oh did my friends react..   I never told her but she’s not on facebook and would probably have considered it all silly anyway.  (To see the reactions)  The first one to comment was a girl that I had started to talk to briefly in May.  I had actually been at her mother’s benefit the day that I had met said lady.  Every time i wear those jeans and button up shirt together, i think of that day.  The shoes that I were wearing haven’t been worn since about that time.  Maybe they didn’t make me feel sophisticated enough for her.

The point of thinking about that was that, I never changed my relationship status away from that.  In July when she broke up with me, I left it stay the same for a while.  My friend Amber said that if I didn’t change it I would look crazy.. So I made it private.  I’m sure that’s less crazy.  Now, every time I open my facebook, on the right it says “In a relationship” and I get just a little sad thinking about how absolutely excited I was when I believed that I had everything I had been dreaming about.

Which leads me to thinking about how she just made my heart flutter so much by just walking in the door less than a month ago.  Maybe I shouldn’t have ignored the yellow flowers.  It does mean friendship, after all.  They were the ones standing out like my animation reference.  The denial was too strong.  The fantasy was also.  We have a way of seeing what we want to and ignoring the rest.

She is someone that I would tight rope walk on the bendy line of my out stretched morals while reminding myself to quit looking down so I’m not so afraid of falling.   I am scared of heights but no afraid of falling.

Now if I can just convince myself to leave her alone until she wants to have me back in her life.  Until then I am making changing to make sure I am easier to deal with.  She shouldn’t have to deal with me and my jealousy.

If the question ever arises, “Why would I spend time messing with a website that no one may see?”  The answer is simple: Someone may read it, and it may make a difference, specifically referring to only one person of course.  And if not, what do I have to lose?  It’s my attempt to do a little better about that walking away so tough and never looking back thing.  I only expected it to last a few weeks but it seems that I never even made it to the first step.. for me to shut the heck up.  It seems impossible.  The forces at be are more powerful than my amazing will power.. That’s all.

Updated: March 2018 – Image and tags