Tonight is going to be a long night..
How did I think that I was going to react?
Almost makes me wonder about my dream about seeing her wear both rings again. I cried once she made me talk about it with her.. in my dream.
tears
Well, how can I forget you, girl?
As I walked back to my bedroom from the kitchen, the pumpkin caught my eye. We bought pumpkins to carve back in October when we were having a good moment. She had to go out of state and there they sat waiting to be carved. The one I bought was bigger, something happened to it and it started to rot around Christmas. I haven’t really gone near it in a while, but there’s a pumpkin sitting in there. Interestingly enough, now that I write about it, I am reminded of a pumpkin that I had in Kyle under similar circumstances. It would probably even appear in the background of photos I had taken at the time. There are too many similarities between the two ladies who have caught my attention, right now to the way they disappeared so gracefully from my life after making it such a wonderful place.
‘All day, all night, I’ll be waitin’ standby’
The work day did not go well. Every song on the radio was suddenly speaking to me. I made it all the way to my second call before my caller shared her first name with my heart breaker. I hadn’t cried yet. It was just before lunch when my manager decided to monitor my phone calls and nit pick me at the wrong time. The calls come in back to back so when she wants to give me feedback she just walks over and starts talking to me over my caller, as if I can hear what they are both saying. It’s like, “Don’t let anything distract you from your caller, unless it’s me.” But anyway, she pointed out that I ‘didn’t even attempt’ to sell them tv service or cell phone service. That’s where I would stop and argue if I thought it would get me anywhere.. Oh I attempted, I am sure that it was there in the back of my mind somewhere, but there was no appropriate moment in conversation to fit it in without sounding like a complete tool.
So after she tells me about how I can’t do my job right and reminds me to be consistent, I can’t do much to keep me from just busting into tears. Over the last 5 months, work has become increasingly more stressful. They disbanded the department that I was working in and decided that we were all going to sales. I am no sales person. I can’t even sell myself to the woman that I love. Three more calls come in before lunch, my voice quivered and if anyone was paying attention they would have known how hard I was fighting back the tears.
Over the last 8 years I have learned to stay pretty professional under pressure, call centers will teach you that. It was more than I could take today, so I said I was sick and just left. There’s a good chance that my manager was listening to my next calls too. Who knows what she thought.
Yesterday after I came home from talking to her, I went to a friend’s house because I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t say a word. One of the two women present liked to poke fun at the whole thing. It wasn’t something I was ready to face or talk about. It must have been apparent that something was wrong. My friend asked if anything had happened with my grandma or if i had lost my job. That made me feel like I wasn’t looking so good and, well, I already know that I don’t have a poker face. They made me tell them and I simply muttered out that she didn’t want to talk to me anymore. They seemed to understand where she was coming from and respect her for having the courage to walk away from me. There’s no way to fully understand but I am trying so hard to.
When I was driving home and Selena Gomez’s song caught my attention, I was even more disappointed than when I liked the Wrecking Ball video. My super cool chick would have been so disappointed in my sell out self. Too bad she’s not around to show me good music anymore.
Updated: March 2018, image and tags
Terrible feelings after bad decisions
Fighting back tears is the last way that I planned to spend my night. My life had been going so well, how can things come to a crashing halt so quickly. What aspects should I have amended, where did I go wrong? Words circled my head turning my brain into a tornado. The least helpful ideas came to me throughout the day.
My friend called me as I got off of work today. She had ran out of gas while going up a steep hill by our neighborhood. Like any good friend would, I went and got her gas to help out. As I poured the remaining gas into my tank, since she insisted she didn’t need that much, something clicked… For at least a month, I had this picture of some random guy that I had hardly known years ago in my head, as I poured the gas I realized how I knew him. This may be some of the most random combinations of sentences, but it all seemed for relevant.
The last year has seemed like a movie where I was looking in. I don’t know if it is even worth speeding through the first two months but we will for comedic reasons. People need to laugh, after all.
Actually it holds no relevance to my life at all right now, one thing lead to another and I ended up talking to this woman, who I was so scared to ask any questions of. I had an immediate attraction. My friends could see the smile in my eyes when I would mention her name. They laughed at me when they would ask me simple questions that I couldn’t answer. “How old is she?”, “Is she bi or a lesbian?” I just laughed it off when they thought that it was crazy that I had no intentions of asking her any of this. From day one, I knew that I wanted to be around her. She made me laugh, smile, have butterflies in my stomach, and I could care less how old she was or what she said her sexual orientation was..
One friend came out and asked her how old she was, I felt like it was just one more number that people judged people by and I wanted to have no part in that. From the very beginning I had no intentions of judging her at all. This was the first time in longer than I could remember that I wasn’t looking for something wrong with someone. The things that I can find wrong with someone can go on forever, but it’s funny that I can’t think of a one right now. It’s been a too long since I have taken anyone seriously in my life.
Tonight she told me that we can’t see each other anymore. This destroyed my heart more than I expected. The music that I choose to listen to does not help one bit. After she broke the bad news, I did the one thing that I am fairly sure I should not have done. When she told me that we had to turn around and go separate ways, right then, I yelled out that I thought I loved her, and turned and walked away. I never looked back but I had to stop a time or two and I may have even sat down for a minute. I hoped that she had waked away and didn’t look back either. I wouldn’t want her to see me feeling so weak. The inside of my ribs hurt at this point. I keep waiting for her to show up at my house. What fantasy world do I live in?
Edit: Image added 3/2018