Today has been really difficult for me. Its been a month since we were supposed to meet at the glass blowing shop and the following night, she messaged me at 5 am stating that she broke up with C and the rest of her message frightened me to the core.
I have been searching for a way to talk to her without censorship and I have been failing greatly.
I can’t explain why but sometimes I really want to be held by M – and lately it’s been bad. I haven’t seen her in years. I walked away from her in fear that day that we parted at the coffee shop, and though its been just over 2 years – she has never told me that she can’t talk to me since and that really puts my heart at ease. I can’t say that it’s not something I spend way too much time worrying about. I have gotten much better about that now.
My friend’s murder trial is today. Her children, mother and best friend are down in San Antonio in a hotel, waiting to attend tomorrow. That all makes me sick. I still can’t believe that her husband killed her. It really enforced deep seeded fears in my heart. My father’s family was always afraid that my mother would kill him. He endured horrific domestic violence for years. When my brother turned 18, my grandmother cried tears of joy explaining that she had spent the last 20 years worried that something would happen to my dad and we would be taken away. That is a horrible fear.
Times like these make me wish that my future girlfriend could come over once in a while. I want to be tough and handle everything on my own but sometimes I just want her to run her fingers through my hair and let me fall asleep with my head on her chest. I’ve never really gotten that opportunity and if I have it was always cut short.
When I realized that one of the last Sundays that I will be in this neighborhood will be June 13th, it makes me want to cry. I feel helpless and scared. I don’t know why being blocks away makes me feel like I can be there for her if she ever needs me. I don’t know why I am so convinced that she would ever need me but I just struggle with it and I really wish she could move with me.
When Ani announced her tour this year, I looked at the tour dates and picked Meow Wolf or Lake Tahoe to attempt to attend. Both are over 500 miles from my house – one 3 times that. With the budget and inability to see my love, the plans fell through but here is Swan Dive from a show I dreamed of attending.
It’s also a song that’s really special to me from an album that I have grown to love.
The other night I made this art as the second piece in a series that I call Ani DiFranco Paint Splatter. It was displayed on my Deviant Art account.
This morning something quite unexpected happened. I doubt that I will forget it so for now the details won’t be anywhere but in my heart but I will leave a few notes for myself for when I decided I need to know, years down the line.
To see a train in your dream represents conformity. You are just going along with what everyone else is doing. Alternatively, a train means that you are very methodical. You need to lay things out specifically and do things in an orderly and sequential manner. In particular, if you see a freight train, then it refers to the burdens and problems that you are hauling around. It is also symbolic of manual labor. If you see a passenger train, then it relates to mental work.
To dream that you are on a train symbolizes your life’s journey. It suggests that you are on the right track in life and headed in the right direction. Alternatively, the dream means that you have a tendency to worry needlessly over a situation that will work out in the end.
To see hair in your dream signifies sexual virility, seduction, sensuality, vanity, and health. It is indicative of your attitudes. If your hair is knotted or tangled, then it is symbolic of uncertainty and confusion in your life. You may be unable to think straight. If you dream that you make a drastic change to your hairstyle, then it means that you are taking a drastic, new approach to some issue in your waking life.
To dream that you are combing, stroking or styling your hair suggests that you are taking on and evaluating a new idea, concept, outlook, or way of thinking. You may be putting your thoughts in order and getting your facts straight. A more literal interpretation suggests your concerns about your self-image and appearance.
To dream that you have long hair indicates that you are thinking long and carefully before making some decision. You are concentrating on some plan or situation. Dreaming that you have hair so long that it gets in your way suggests that your thoughts and/or ideas are preventing you from moving forward. Perhaps you are doing too much thinking and not taking any action.
To dream that you are reaching for or running your fingers through someone’s hair suggests that you are trying to connect with that person on a spiritual or intellectual level. It also refers to sympathy, protectiveness, and fraternal love.
Today, I did and said things that I thought twice about, thought I should keep to myself but shared with her anyway. There was something in the back of my mind in my brother, Stephen’s voice, saying that I may never get the chance that I wait for. He would have told me to live in the moment if he was here and I saw him days before he died – so that changes ones perspective.
I told her about my dream and we were both a bit surprised when our dreams over lapped. That’s the only words that I have for it right now. My dream was quite life-like, the type that get my attention and are stuck echoing for days leaving me questioning if it actually happened or not. I couldn’t tell you where I was or what I was doing specifically. I can say that I know how I was laying in the dream, how I felt, who I was with and that I had started to fall asleep in the dream and it seemed as if I woke up for work as I fell asleep in my dream. It’s moments like this that remind me that there so so much more to life that I am giving it.
I started talking to Couch Boy about BladeRunner today and he said a few things about the premise and it made me want to see it even more and left me questioning how she would feel about BladeRunner 2049 or whatever year that new one is. I will find a moment to ask.
I’ve got better things to do than survive
Album: Little Plastic Castle
I’ve got the memory of your warm skin in my hands
And I’ve got a vision of blue sky and warm land
I’m cradling the hardest, heaviest part of me in my hands
Gravity is nothing to me
Songwriters: Ani Difranco
I’m moving at the speed of sound
I’m just going to get my feet wet
Until I drown