Your basic average super star

This song ended just as I pulled up to my house after work. I let it resonate for a moment and I was taken back to nearly a year ago.

Before I get into that, I will mention that I have a friend because he liked the line above, the title to this post, that I have on my facebook page – and he met me in an Ani DiFranco but didn’t recognize it. I suppose it is hard to know all of her songs. So far I think I have covered her first 5 albums from start to finish and I plan to continue but I am moving through them as I read her book and so far they seem to match up and it gives me a deep sense of understand that I couldn’t appreciate more.

Twenty years ago, I was learning about feminism. I feel like I have taught a lot of people a lot but things started getting out of control and feminists started getting a bad name. I have admitted to being sexist and have tried really hard to work on that character flaw and I believe that I have come along way but this song reminds me why things are different this time.

People that have always identified as lesbian probably understand my little lesbian brain that I have yet to fully comprehend. It is so much deeper that the surface and that’s why I don’t let anyone’s critical remarks get to me.

Before my brother met her, he would give me a hard time. He has asked me – so what is so great about SaidLady and we usually have some generic discussion about it – but he is as stubborn and judgmental as they come. There was a point, years ago, that he tried to be really sensitive and explain to me that she might just not be into me. He was completely sincere and was trying to help but it wasn’t long before I felt like I understood why she said what she said that day she told me not to talk about her to my friends.

I feel its a level of maturity that I had not reached yet and then I am reminded it’s probably because we live in this tiny town and I know everyone – that’s not quite true but I am getting there. There’s no telling why that conversation was had but I have done my best to never talk about her but once in a while a smile will be followed by her name in some matter – always her first name, it could be anyone.. that same anyone – all of the time, so a few people this I am insane and I could care less. The activist that is typically in an altered state finds it absolutely adorable – she is one that I had to tell that I was in love with someone else. I think I used that excuse over 10 times when people thought they wanted to get close to me. Anyone that is in it for the right reason will back off real fast – but I have found, when someone just wants your money, attention and children skills, they could care less if you are in love with someone else.

She asked me to hang out the day that I bought the Placebo Album, Sleeping with Ghosts at Kiss n Fly or whatever Sundance was at that moment in time. I met 2 friends and went to the sandwich shop next door when I unexpectedly walked right up to C to order. I nervously over-tipped him and then my awkward friend, L, did too. He brought us jalapeno poppers so he must like me… but we were not tough enough to eat them anyway.

It was a great gesture, especially since I had found an emotion that I did not know existed – what was it? I still don’t know. How do people in the military feel when they come in contact with enemy civilians? I feel like it was something like that. You just look at them, can’t help but make eye contact. Try to make the interaction as brief as possible and hope no one gets killed – what emotion is that?

Our thoughts compressed

Today is that day that we used to get so excited about, throw parties. skip work.. and here I am, on a Saturday, with a bad full, alone – because I am lame. I really can’t stand a lot of people, that’s why I meet someone that I could never get tired of being around, its a pretty big deal.. but then I usually have sex with them and make it weird somehow – and now I have no friends, because no one can handle dating me – and I don’t want to be around most people – at all. What a realization.

I think I am so hard on myself about that because, what if we never had dated, what if we had been just friends – then could we still hang out? Even though those are moments that I would never want to take back, if it meant that I could have someone like her in my life, I would. She knows that I had no idea at the time and I certainly didn’t know who. I had no idea there was anyone else at all; male, female or otherwise. And I know that there wasn’t at the time, which matters to me, but when we fast forward to the future that I could not have even imagined back then – here I am, reminding myself the same thing that I have been told for years.

Our thoughts compressed,
Which makes us blessed,
And makes for stormy weather

When my aunt found out I was gay, I was really young and she was heart broken. She said = I am not sad that you will never had children, because there are ways. I am sad that you will live a very difficult life and you have already had to deal with enough. At the time, I thought I was tough as nails. I had perfected some coping mechanisms that I would later be told were incredibly unhealthy – but it got me though. That took decades to undo, but I can cry plenty again.

My friend confessed she passed the test,
And we will never sever

When I met the lady that I try my best not to think about, I had done a pretty good job of distancing and disassociating. It had been about 5 years since I had felt anything real. After something really tragic happens, its nice once you can finally not feel anything. I guess that’s why people do hard drugs.. or anything for that matter but smoking does not make me forget things anymore. It lets me relax so that my mind wanders, right back to where it should not be, contemplating things that will probably never matter and no one understands. Why would I want to try to make sense out of something that will never have an answer? Mary Jane. That’s why. Funny right? But yes – it had been a few years. I had met women, I had been caught up in the attention, but it was nothing that I could not forget in a month of less. When I say it was the minute I saw her, I am not joking.. why would I – I am pretty much talking to myself here. I really didn’t know what to expect, the pictures she sent me were cute but I was not prepared for the feeling that I was about to have. I pretty much always have the same feeling but I am usually prepared for it now so when I walk into a wall of magic, I know what it is going to feel like.. unless – of course, I am being told to park closer, so I grudgingly comply only to glance up and find myself in the middle of a wall of magic and panic. We all know that I didn’t handle that well. I should have stayed in my original parking place and then we would have been walking up from the side as they went to their car and I would have seen first… though, when she smiles at me, my heart flutters.. I just wish I wasn’t such a damn nerd that acts like she has never seen a pretty lady before.

I was really embarrassed that day because I was with my ex and then I panicked and acted like a dumb ass..

Since I am playing Placebo here, I am going to throw in some Sleeping With Ghost and link back to the day that I bought the record and walked next door to get a sandwich.. I panicked that day too and over tipped him. My friend is as socially awkward as I am and saw so she over tipped him too. I later shared who he was and he brought us stuffed jalapenos that were too hot for us to eat but is was a sweet gesture because he is a sweet guy and even if he had poisoned him, sometimes I feel like I probably deserve it – but then it never stops me and they is what perplexes me. I am not that kind of person.

The craziest thing about that day is that I had drunk texted her the night before. I got really embarrassed by her reply. I ended up hanging out with Maddison for the first time that night. She laid it on thick and of course. Not much later she explained that it was nothing to be embarrassed about, she just didn’t remember what I was talking about.. but anyway it was just a big ball of fun – that is why I should not drink and text. I get all sad for no reason at all.


Just 19 and dream obscene with six months off for bad behavior