She Says

I dress my face in stone

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Music, Rock •   0

Last week, I worked from home the whole week because someone’s wife had covid. Today, I was one of the lucky ones that got to go back into the office because I wasn’t actually present for whatever meeting they were all ‘exposed’ in. Luckily for me, I have only been working in the office for half of the day and only about 2 of those are hours with other employees. It limits my exposure to all but about 3 people. It also leaves me with very little human interaction, which I usually do not mind at all but after the last few weeks I have had, I just don’t even know what to do to distract myself anymore.

It’s a stark reminder of why I can’t handle being in love. I need someone to talk to but I do not want to talk to anyone but her. Last night I kind of opened up to a random friend that knows a little because I had to explain to her what I meant when I told her that I was in love with someone. This friend happens to be someone that used to like me when we worked together before. She was a teenager so my first reason was that but later I explained to her that despite her age, I was still not interested because of my emotional involvement – it was a common thing to explain to women that thought I was making it all up but I kept it short and sweet and when they realized I was insane – they just left me alone anyway. Well, since she has been hearing about this for several years by now – since it seems faker then longer i said it to people – she was sweet about it. Reminded me that it was probably just as hard in her too and that if she wasn’t reading my messages there was most likely a good reason and the good reason certainly wasn’t that she hated me. I don’t know why it helps when people help me destroy irrational fears, but it does. So I have spent the day trying to remind myself to act my damn age and remember what was important. I still cried way too much but I think I did better. I really have no idea, I actually want to kick my own ass.

I stopped taking all of my mental health medication during covid because it didn’t seem like I needed it anymore. I never had anxiety attacks when I didn’t leave my house. Eventually I quit going to the doctor all together because I got a call from my counselor person saying that she took another job so someone else would be contacting me for my next appointment but then I decided that if she could quit, so could I and since my emotional outbursts were down like we have wanted to do, it seemed successful and I thought I was done. I can’t even remember which came first but here I am, in a new house, completely alone and I haven’t taken any of my medicine in months and I don’t even remember my last psych appointment but he was terrible at phone appointments anyway. In person he could ramble on and on and teach me things about myself that I didn’t know but once it was over the phone, he just asked a few basic questions and took my non answers and refilled the prescription. No one even called me to make that next appointment, A lot of people that go there really need it more than I do, so I can’t imagine what it would have been like if I was worse off – but all that to say is that I guess I am worse off.

I smoke and I drink
And every time I blink
I have a tiny dream

But as bad as I am
I’m proud of the fact
That I’m worse than I seem

I guess I need to ask the lady if I am not as bad as I think…

Right now I feel pretty fucked up. After my friend reminded me that is probably just as hard on her that is on me – I have just wanted to protect her from me.

I am going to go take my medicine now – but I am going to continue to listen to songs that tear me to pieces.

But oh baby, maybe someday
Maybe somehow.

When my conservative aunt found out that I was a lesbian, she cried and the apologized. She said that she didn’t care that I was gay but that my life was already so hard, it just hurt her to know that it was only going to get harder.

At the time, I brushed it aside thinking that was just a nice thing to say – but the more social situations that I fail at, the more I think about her words and what she meant.

She wasn’t saying it because so many people hate gay people like I thought.

She was saying that she saw the sea of heart break coming my way.

I used to fight back.

I don’t even want to anymore. Now I just want to hang my head in shame and wonder why I ever thought love was possible. I am all over the place and all alone. Hungry and can’t it. Isn’t it Ironic… I don’t think.

Last thing, of all the songs at the concert that I knew would make me cry, this next one was not one that I had ever paid attention to before that night and well, its been haunting me since.

https://youtu.be/1veYTsVMsI0

And that is why I just want to cry and apologize for being such a damn lesbian all the time.

I have been fighting the good fight

• by admin • In Folk, Folk Rock, Indie Folk, Music •   0

This morning, my dog woke me up, I noticed my phone was glowing so I went to look at it. I had 6 missed called and 2 missed facebook calls. It was 7:00 AM.

She takes all of my money and when I am out, she goes and gets some from her grandma. I asked for some because she was spending it frivolously and I didn’t have any. That started a fight.

I was lured over to her house, next door, because she went to Wendy’s and said that she brought me some. I like to feel special, so I went to eat it, but I think it was a trap to put her 4 year old to bed. I struggled with the child and eventually asked her if she wanted me to take her to school in the morning. She agreed, became complacent and went to sleep.

Fast forward to this morning, my ex sure remembered that and expected it. Since we fought, I turned my ringer off. When I finally went over there to take the kid to school, she wasn’t even awake. If she was insisting I take her, that’s one thing, but this is just complete laziness.

On the bright side, I have plans today. However, I am nervous, like always. On my drive back from dropping of the kid, I hopped that she was not mad at me. I feel like she has every right to be. I’ve never really had someone like this in my life.

When I started this site, I needed some way to express myself. It was the first time that she said that she couldn’t talk to me anymore. I wanted to respect her wishes, but I was stuck alone, in my head.  I used to be a slightly popular blogger on this site, JournalSpace.com but there was some hack and the site was deleted – so that was that.  I am sure that lead to my decision to start a site to write to myself so that I would quit emailing her.   At the time, at some point, I told her about the site but no one ever visited it and I didn’t really think anyone ever would.  I made it through an entire relationship with someone that was extremely controlling and in my business and somehow she never saw it.

If I couldn’t stop thinking, I would come here and write.  When there was a song circling in my head, I would come post it here.   I have made slight changes to it over the years but it has served the purpose of giving myself somewhere to express my feelings.   I don’t have many people that I really talk to anymore.  Small talk – sure, but real discussions, no.  Currently the only conversations that people have with me is – how is the job search? – and well, I am done answering that one.  I hate that I get so stuck on ideas or just the fact that I can’t leave people alone.  I know that my inbox would prove that – or my sent box anyway.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I am glad that I have people that love me, because I really need it right now.

You’re so adventurous, I’m so very cautious

• by admin • In Folk, Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Heartland rock, Indie Folk, Indie Rock, Music, Neo-folk •   0

6d43953951009d57ba94751a7a07720fToday, we met at our normal halfway point. We walked for as long as we could and I tried by best not to think too much about hugging her goodbye.  As I passed my friend’s house, they returned home, so spent some time over there but that didn’t stop me from emailing her minutes after leaving her side confessing a few of my thoughts that I couldn’t express in person.

They started watching The Never Ending Story around midnight and since I knew that I had way too much thinking to do, I left and listed to my playlist on random.

This is what it thought that I should listen to:



…and that is currently how many songs it takes to walk from her house to mine..

I had a necklace in my pocket for her.. and I wanted to tell her that I loved her before she left, but I just couldn’t accept that this would be the last time that I would see her, so I couldn’t bring myself to act like it could be.