This morning, I woke up to facebook sharing one of my ‘memories’ with me. It was a post about a text I received from her, 5 years ago. It was a text of frustration with.. my debilitating personality disorders.  I don’t even know if that’s a PC term but I have determined that I am atypical or whatever that term is, this is where i take a moment to look it up.

So what I was trying to say, is that I have decided that I am not neurotypical… I did see a psychiatrist recently, and he referred me to try EMDR therapy.  I haven’t even looked it up because he said it wasn’t worth looking up because there is a lot of BS online.  A lot of doctors have been telling me this a lot lately.  They say… don’t even look up the side effects.. it will make you paranoid – so I don’t, but that just doesn’t seem right.

Anyway, as I explained to him that I feel like I have an overwhelming fear of death, not for myself but for everyone that is close to me.  He explained to me that what I was describing was a fear of loss, not death.  I can relate to that.  He thinks I have some signs of PTSD and when I did research the EMDR very briefly, I believe it can be related to recovering from trauma.  I really don’t think that I have any trauma to recover from, but it seems like there is n army out there that disagrees with that.

Between my rough childhood due to my mother, bullying in school because I was gay and then the constant verbal abuse from customers.. the doctor really wanted me to consider looking into another career because, he pointed out that… it doesn’t help matters any.  We talked about money and how important it is for me to feel financially secure and how I’d rather risk my sanity, to ensure that I have money.. anyway, that’s how that went and I picked a therapist based on being downtown and I am quite sure that he is gay, but I guess I am only assuming based on his photo and voice over his voicemail.

When I left work to go on my lunch break, Naked Eyes were filling my head.

Then Adele took that nostalgia and trying to empower me.. but I don’t really think that worked.

There’s always so much that I want to say and an underlying fear that I am trying to respect your wishes, but what if you need me to step up instead…

Five years ago, I was in the dark.  I didn’t understand what was going on.  I blamed myself.

It was around that time that you bought your bike at Walmart.  My sister has never had such a heartfelt conversation with me.

My niece say you and C at the store and wanted to run up to your in excitement.  My sister saw yall and knew that yall were more than just friends and stopped her.  She sat me down and tried to explain it to me.  I told her that she was wrong and confused..

We were in the small bedroom when I mentioned that my neice saw you at Walmart, because I was always so excited and told you everything, you froze for less than a second.. that happened a lot, but I never realized why… until much later.

The same thing happened when we were walking down the road a few times on different topics…

Little did I know.