Sarah McLachlan

You’re so much more than good enough

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Rock •   0

Listening to the songs below just remind me of the days that I longed to be in love. I couldn’t wait until these songs meant more to me and now, I am deathly afraid of it, so much so, that I have grown complacent and have no desire to talk to others. Throwing me into a room full of men and a butch lesbian and a ghetto 50 year old married woman was a cruel and unusual punishment, but it will ensure that I do not fall victim to whatever manipulator roles up into the local phone company. I have so many mixed feelings that I feel awful saying, but I fell in love with the young kids soon – and I an afraid that was the plan all along.

Anyone would be mad at how many Melissa Etheridge cruises I could have gone on if I wasn’t supporting so many people. Somehow there is always a leach and I feel like it is getting painfully obvious.

I feel like my brother is feeling guilty for his mental state and dependency on me so he is leaving to Seattle and I can only support him and hope he makes good decisions. I am going to make sure he gets a roommate place when he gets there and pay for the first month and I sure as hell hope he can take it from there because a room for rent up in Seattle is $700 and if I am paying for rent in Seattle, it is going to be real painful to pay my rent here too. Then there is my ex and the kids – they should be leaving by July 25th, because from what I understand there is someone waiting to move in there. That will be a relief and a stressed too. I will be worried about my minor and adult children as they are out of site, but that’s fine really. I need a damn break.

I have talked to the person that recorded this a few times online. She talked to me about my Melissa Etheridge videos from New Braunfels, but I have started to notice that she has thousands of videos. She is clearly no amateur. I want to ask her what she does but I am not that assertive. I couldn’t even bring myself to send it to her, I only mentioned it as casually as possible. The truth is, when I stumbled across it, I felt my pulse accelerate until I could feel my heart beat in my throat. Due to currently technology, my brain deiced to measure it, because math and history – well, 120 bpm is how this recording makes me feel even though the sound quality is tricky. It’s on a cruise ship, think about the limitations.

I shall now refer to Bishop as the great divide.. not really but tonight I will.

When I was younger and started to listen to what I would call Lesbian Music despite the fact that many were not lesbians at all, I meant wymen rock or something – I don’t know the correct term but I have seen it come up in Ani Difranco’s book, however the other term seems more derogatory to me – this isnt the WNBA here, these are international rock stars.

This is the first time I have listened to these songs in the last 6+ years… I am sorry that they mean so much to me. I guess this is what sorry – not sorry means.. I really can’t put into words how listening to these songs feels and I know that I shouldn’t – so there’s that.

What is San Francisco like this time of year? Are pitbulls welcome?

Hold on, hold on to yourself, for this is gonna hurt like hell

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Folk, Grammy Nominee, Rock •   Comments Off on Hold on, hold on to yourself, for this is gonna hurt like hell

She broke my fuckin’ heart today. on Pi Day.

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As I sit here wondering which song I should listen to first, thinking about how I should take a shower so that I can breathe normally and contemplating the desire for my brother’s company.  He hasn’t seen me yet and he doesn’t know.  It’s almost guaranteed that he will say something insensitive and just piss me off anyway, but the distraction of his constant talking will help me avoid my constant thinking.  He is right, we are good for each other.

Its my fault that I feel like this right now, she tried to give me one more peaceful day, because she just might know that practically freak out like the  guy that leaves the lights on..

The first time that I watched that video, I emailed her about it.  Why am I such a weirdo?  When I cry over her, it always feels a little more real.. well, I don’t cry over things that aren’t real.. The way that I breathe out slowly and my chest shakes a little.. it always reminds me of the way that I feel about her, maybe there is a sense of trying so hard to understand the positive.

My dog has started to whine for this cold taco that probably sucks ass at this point.  I feel like I ordered it over an hour an a half ago.  back in the past.. ast.. ast.. ast..

There I was, sitting at Torchy’s Taco’s.  They were particularly busy on this spring break night.  She replied to my casual text telling me there was something that she needed to tell me and asked if I wanted to go for a walk tomorrow.

Once we confirmed that one of my least tragic, worst fears were coming true, I tried to remain calm and not be bothered by such shocking news.  Since I have been crying for over an hour, slowly and quietly, I do not think that I am doing the best job at that.

My brother has since walked in the room and has started playing the bass behind me.  Like with everything, I will trust that this is for the best and then go forward the best that I can.  Does she know how much this is crushing me.  Is she moving back there with him?  This hurts worse than I thought it would.

When I was younger and devastated, I would listen to Sarah Mclachlan.

Her text felt something like this:

It’s just you and me on our island of hope

I don’t have to pretend, she doesn’t expect it from me

• by admin • In Folk, Music, Pop, Rock •   0

There are certain moments in our lives that make me see the progress. As long as I am moving forward, I am happy. We have had a history of… unconventional communication, to say the least. It had been about 2 weeks since we had gotten our hair cut together. I hadn’t really heard from her much, which is always hard on me. I am not sure how this song related at all, but it’s what is playing in my mind.

I feel like we get closer every day, even though I go weeks and sometimes months without even seeing her. Most of the talking is one sided but I truly believe that she likes my communication.. even though most would not agree with me.

Today I was reminded of how much I have grown up in the last 2 years.. I was at a local gas station.. read the condom wrapper next to me.. and I didn’t even puke.. exaggerated, maybe.. but yes, it happened. Then I contemplated sexuality and questioned my lack of desire.

It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word

• by admin • In Music, Pop •   Comments Off on It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word

Last night, I sent an email that stepped a little bit across those boundaries that I have been trying so hard to determine. I knew it, I even said it in my letter. I felt like I was going to regret it and even woke up the next morning feeling like I should regret it, but guess what, she replied.

I also woke up thinking about my ex, the previous one, I don’t really consider M my ex, because we never had a fair chance.. but anyway, T had some calendar thing last night, she’s basically a model and singer, and I woke up thinking about something that happened weekends ago involving seeing the guy that she left me for for the first time since it happened, over 6 years ago. I told her what happened and how well I handled it, and then I closed facebook and never waited to see her response. That’s tough. I’ll check it later after I am loaded with anxiety medicine and such.

When I heard “What It Takes” and it reminded me about how it used to remind me about T. It did make me think about M when I heard it yesterday but I know that I am just a confused mess. If T had not gotten married to someone that I trusted and respected, because I knew that she did.. I don’t know if I would have ever gotten over it all.

But what do I know, I was probably still a bit confused about T until I met M.. she was the only person that could ever put everything in the past through a different perspective. No one could imagine how immature I used to me. If I told anyone about some weird things that happened with a close guy friend recently, everyone’s jaw would drop.. I didn’t know what to do or how to handle it and I haven’t told a soul about it yet. I started to last night but I have to softly edit it because I couldn’t even speak the words. These two ladies are magical and I know and can not even thank them enough for all that they do for me. I take a little more effort than most, but once in a while, people realize that I am worth it.

The internet has convinced me that I have aspergers but I am almost too afraid to find out, and if I do, I know it is subtle, I have made so much progress in my life and I don’t think most people know the half of it. Now that I think about it, I don’t think that there is one person besides myself that knows most of it at all. Many people know about separate difficulties but each person knows about different thinks. I wouldn’t tell anyone about the domestic violence that I have lived with my whole life, but some people know. I know think my dad knows not to talk about it, or maybe I am the wrong one, feeling like I should keep it a secret. T and M.. both know, at least the present and somewhat present stuff. I try not to talk about when I was little, people get this look on their face and that’s not what I am going for.