Just when I think that I have my emotions under control, they consume me, keep me up all hours of the night and remind me of who I really am. Pills and busying myself only lasts so long. Em is at her fathers house, laying under a roof that he won’t sleep under anymore… I am sure that her thoughts are racing right now. It makes me completely guilty to be emotional in anyway at this point.
The first time that I heard this, I listened in amazement and then watched a falling star. I made a wish as I saw it falling towards her house. I have forgotten what my exact wish was but I always try to be specific so that something weird wouldn’t happen.. I can imagine that my wish may have been something like, “I wish that she will do what makes her truly happy, no matter who she ends up with, I just want to know that she loves me.” I look back at that night, often. I wonder what I wished and how much of it has come true since then. She was in San Francisco at the time to see a band.
When she landed, she sent me a text to let me know that she arrived safely. The next text said something like, we should live her someday… Since I have been in love with her for about as long as I can remember at this point, my heart melted all over the place and I never forgot that moment in time.
Today, I was reminded that everything in life is going alright… as I watched my love walk away. It was impossible to even think about the fact that I wouldn’t see her tomorrow.. or anytime soon.. I couldn’t take a moment to realize that would be the last hug she gave me for quite some time. I feel like I stayed strong until after she left, even when I looked over and saw her friend driving. The only way to get through that was to block all of that out and remind myself that she was going to see her family and spend time with all the people that she has been missing. I reminded myself not to be selfish and as soon as she left, I started to cry, slow, soft tears.. in front of my dad and brother. They knew that I was going outside to tell her goodbye and neither one said a thing. It’s not the first time that my brother has seen me cry over her, mainly recently because she was leaving, but I don’t think that my father has ever seen me cry over any woman – so that happened. She is currently riding across country on her next adventure in life and I am sitting here, writing about it and wishing that she could hold me.
Will you search through the lonely earth for me,
Climb through the briar and bramble.
I’ll be your treasure.
They sang all the wrong words.
I’m waiting for you
Today, I drove out to my sister’s house to see her kids. The drive out there is about an hour so it gave me so much time to think. Before this week, there was so much doubt in my mind. Too many people had laughed at me, called me crazy amongst other things for believing in myself and my feelings.. After a while, I started to doubt myself.
Once I was on my way home, thinking about how everything worked out, I wondered.. what the hell did I wish on those falling stars.. you always have to be careful with those. That’s mainly a joke but I do wish on shooting stars and I try to word my wishes perfectly. Now, I really know better than to believe in things like that but I can’t help but entertain myself.
There was this time, when I heard ‘Rush Hour’ by Ani Difranco for the first time. The star fell right out of the sky, straight down, in the direction of her house. I watched in amazement because I was getting all emotional at the time over the song and I paused the music to make a wish. This was so long ago, she was in CA or something seeing a concert in San Fransisco I think, but my wish was for her to be truly happy and for her to love me and all that stuff too.. I really couldn’t say exactly but I know that is how most of my wishes start out and go. There was something about my long drive that made me think about that night and that this is probably just part of what she needs to be truly happy and that is the main thing that I care about. As I got near my house, I looked at this guard rail near my street and remembered that I was specifically there when I saw that star. I have no idea how I remember these things. She means the world to me and I would do anything for her.
When I took a shower, I heard two lines in two different songs that I had never heard before. That will be the last line in each of the Ani songs that I post. The Adele song separated them. All just as insightful.
The last lines seemed to hit so hard tonight.
This song has some of my favorite lines in it, one being at the 2 minute mark. Music gets me though me day.
If my life were a movie, this is where the sensitive ones would have started to cry softly to themselves.. It made me want to anyway. My friend, Torie, had wanted me to come over for a while. I was at another friend’s house but I left to walk to her house. I believe in perfect timing.. and well… not so perfect timing too.
As I walked up the major street that I live on, or I suppose I should say we.. I had my phone playing my MP3s on shuffle and just second after “Rush Hour” by Ani Difranco started to play, Just as the words “Did not tell him there were certain things he did not need to know” echoed through my ears. I was staring at the stars… because this song.. puts me in some kind of place… Just then this star fell straight down, right in front of me.
This lady that has stolen my heart lives within walking distance. If I would have kept walking down this street, I would end up at her house.. essentially.. I stopped dead in my tracks. I felt like the star fell forever. It burnt out much later than I expected. I stopped to text and tell her about it. It’s been days since I have talked to her. She’s on vacation. I try not to wonder with whom. My lunch break is almost over and this song is going to make me.. feel something. **Big Gulp**
Have I mentioned that I never thought that I could love again…
I’m pretty sure that I was wrong.
Why do these words echo? Why do I hear so much and then sweep it under the carpet?