Today is that day that we used to get so excited about, throw parties. skip work.. and here I am, on a Saturday, with a bad full, alone – because I am lame. I really can’t stand a lot of people, that’s why I meet someone that I could never get tired of being around, its a pretty big deal.. but then I usually have sex with them and make it weird somehow – and now I have no friends, because no one can handle dating me – and I don’t want to be around most people – at all. What a realization.

I think I am so hard on myself about that because, what if we never had dated, what if we had been just friends – then could we still hang out? Even though those are moments that I would never want to take back, if it meant that I could have someone like her in my life, I would. She knows that I had no idea at the time and I certainly didn’t know who. I had no idea there was anyone else at all; male, female or otherwise. And I know that there wasn’t at the time, which matters to me, but when we fast forward to the future that I could not have even imagined back then – here I am, reminding myself the same thing that I have been told for years.

Our thoughts compressed,
Which makes us blessed,
And makes for stormy weather

When my aunt found out I was gay, I was really young and she was heart broken. She said = I am not sad that you will never had children, because there are ways. I am sad that you will live a very difficult life and you have already had to deal with enough. At the time, I thought I was tough as nails. I had perfected some coping mechanisms that I would later be told were incredibly unhealthy – but it got me though. That took decades to undo, but I can cry plenty again.

My friend confessed she passed the test,
And we will never sever

When I met the lady that I try my best not to think about, I had done a pretty good job of distancing and disassociating. It had been about 5 years since I had felt anything real. After something really tragic happens, its nice once you can finally not feel anything. I guess that’s why people do hard drugs.. or anything for that matter but smoking does not make me forget things anymore. It lets me relax so that my mind wanders, right back to where it should not be, contemplating things that will probably never matter and no one understands. Why would I want to try to make sense out of something that will never have an answer? Mary Jane. That’s why. Funny right? But yes – it had been a few years. I had met women, I had been caught up in the attention, but it was nothing that I could not forget in a month of less. When I say it was the minute I saw her, I am not joking.. why would I – I am pretty much talking to myself here. I really didn’t know what to expect, the pictures she sent me were cute but I was not prepared for the feeling that I was about to have. I pretty much always have the same feeling but I am usually prepared for it now so when I walk into a wall of magic, I know what it is going to feel like.. unless – of course, I am being told to park closer, so I grudgingly comply only to glance up and find myself in the middle of a wall of magic and panic. We all know that I didn’t handle that well. I should have stayed in my original parking place and then we would have been walking up from the side as they went to their car and I would have seen first… though, when she smiles at me, my heart flutters.. I just wish I wasn’t such a damn nerd that acts like she has never seen a pretty lady before.

I was really embarrassed that day because I was with my ex and then I panicked and acted like a dumb ass..

Since I am playing Placebo here, I am going to throw in some Sleeping With Ghost and link back to the day that I bought the record and walked next door to get a sandwich.. I panicked that day too and over tipped him. My friend is as socially awkward as I am and saw so she over tipped him too. I later shared who he was and he brought us stuffed jalapenos that were too hot for us to eat but is was a sweet gesture because he is a sweet guy and even if he had poisoned him, sometimes I feel like I probably deserve it – but then it never stops me and they is what perplexes me. I am not that kind of person.

The craziest thing about that day is that I had drunk texted her the night before. I got really embarrassed by her reply. I ended up hanging out with Maddison for the first time that night. She laid it on thick and of course. Not much later she explained that it was nothing to be embarrassed about, she just didn’t remember what I was talking about.. but anyway it was just a big ball of fun – that is why I should not drink and text. I get all sad for no reason at all.

Just 19 and dream obscene with six months off for bad behavior