For whatever reason, I hear this song nearly daily and think about her every time. I think back to the conversation when she told me that she may regret some decisions that she had made. I always read too far into anything that she said. I wanted to think that she regretted choosing C over me when faced when the situation so long ago – though I am sure that she didn’t think that I was a possibility.. seeing that she lived with him and I had no idea.. It’s weird to think about a lot of things like that.
My brother met her once, she came over and we hung out in my room. He had already had preconceived notions about her and it all changed when he met her. He would say things like, “She is just not into you… you’re just going to have to find a way to get over her.” and from time to time, before he knew her at all, just thought she was a stuck up bitch taking advantage of the fact that I was completely head over heels for her.. typical reaction from a brother, but when he met her… he said he really liked her ans she could see why I was always.. caught up in her. I guess he just saw our connection, which is not normal for a brother that could careless about what I do in that manner.
I always wondered what it would have been like to be able to meet her father. What would it have been like in an alternate universe?
And to express my ever changing mood, I will throw in one more random song that I feel like listening to:
This song was popular as my heart originally broke. I wouldn’t changing meeting her if I had the chance. I might change the way that I reacted.
A few nights ago, I had a dream that I haven’t told anyone about. It was almost like if I just didn’t talk about it. It would just go away. Somehow that approach to things never works as well as it sounds. There is a song that hear on the radio and each time I do.. i think about the dream. This is where I must add some explanation.
From what I can remember, my dream started like a pretty standard night for me. I was pulling up to my mailbox to check the mail on the way home. This night was unlike most, because it was much colder than normal. I was wearing a heavy leather jacket and I could feel the cold on my face as I leaned over my passenger side seat, which for me is more like climbing, and reached for the mail. As I stuck my hand towards the back of the mail box to reach something that had been pushed all the way back of my mail box, I glanced up to see someone looking at me as he walked by. My immediate reaction was to ask if he needed a ride, as it was someone I recognized.. and I did. It was not something that I gave a second thought or even had a chance to consider what the next few minutes could be like. He hesitantly accepted the offer.
I pulled up a little in front of my mail boxes and he got in my car and pointed in the direction that he was going. I nodded and turned the radio back up slightly. It felt like forever and I was burning up in my jacket. The drive felt pretty real as I acted as if I was following his directions.. but I knew exactly where he lived. I never said a word, tried my hardest to keep a straight face as I drove. Most of the time I used the cold and the exaggeration of how cold it was to mask my facial expressions. I wasn’t sure what he would see, but I knew that it would be something.
This was fresh on my mind today as I drove to the store to get dinner. The Sublime song came on again and I just drifted off into thinking about that dream, my thoughts and how I felt. My heart races, I was so nervous, and of what. There were moments when I thought that this is how people get murdered.. Then I realized that he probably had no clue at all. What surprised me the most – is that the emotions that I was trying so hard to hide were shame and guilt. What would have I said if I would have said something? As I pulled up to the store, I thought about a lot of things.
When I went inside… I could have sworn that I saw her. There in line – checking out. My heart stopped and I froze. I was never quite sure but I walked away… What would I say to her?
I have felt like crying for weeks. This isn’t helping any. In a few weeks I will be turning 31 and I have never felt older. My youngest brother would be turning 26 this year. He hasn’t even been gone but a few months and everything has started to fall apart. I often wonder what he would think if he could see us right now.. He would say.. ‘Damn, they really did care about me.’ It all has made me sick.
and for the song that wouldn’t stay out of my dreams and keeps taking me back to them…
In watching both videos, I am quite sure that I did not mention how the dream ended. I pulled up to her house, parked where I normally would and glanced at him as he thanked me. I was just trying my best at this point at hiding my feelings of despair, defeat and some things that I’m just not used to. I drove away, trying not to cry, as I had many times before.
Today my song didn’t come to when I was driving back to work but when I was coming home from the hospital after visiting my friend, Ronnie… She had to have some random surgery, pretty scary stuff, but when I left.. I was still reminded her by that damn radio.
Last night, around midnight, I got a call from Ronnie. She had already told me that she had to leave work early because she was sick and that she had to get surgery today. When she called me back later, she asked me if I would come stay up there with her.
It was the first time that I had ever slept at a hospital before. As I was driving up there, I was convinced that there was no way that they would let me even go back there to see her. I’ve seen ‘If These Walls Could Talk 2″ and I have felt.. very much in a patriarchy world lately, but much to my surprise, no one batted an eye and everyone was really nice. The chair made into a bed and they gave me a blanket a pillow. She is just a friend that has become important to me.
When you sleep at a hospital, you don’t. When I am woken up every hour for whatever they are doing, it takes me that long to get back to sleep. Around 5 am I decided to get up and go home. She was getting blood work done and I don’t need to see.. blood. My sister dropped off my niece and I slept until I had to put her on the bus at 6:45. My bed has never felt so inviting. It couldn’t have hurt that I had to wash all of my sheets and blankets on account of my dog becoming tragically ill during this lovely week. So after the kid was on the bus, of course I had to sleep just a little longer.
The dream seemed so real so I couldn’t even imagine how it started. When I have a dream that all of my teeth are falling out, it always happens the same way. It’s always a jagged, bloody mess. I can’t say that there is ever any physical pain but always a feeling of panic and embarrassment. This morning in my dream I was wearing some kid of retainer and my teeth were all just so loose. Something happened differently this time. From past dreams, I never remember trying to do something about it, just putting my broken teeth in my pocket or something. Today in my dream, I had called my grandmother to ask her if I could borrow money to go to the dentist. It seems so strange like, what the heck is the dentist going to do but.. it’s what happened. I don’t remember how she responded at all but I remember specifically telling her that I only had $200. From what I know about dentistry, I wasn’t going to get much for that $200.
My alarm had been set, but somehow I had turned it off, maybe just to lay down for one more minute. Something suddenly woke me and work had started 15 minutes ago. More concerned that I had all of my teeth, I went and brushed my teeth and rushed off to work. My hair may have looked like… well awesome. and I was in the clothes that I slept in at the hospital, but I went to work.. and I had all my teeth.
That moment that I realize the song I referenced has nothing to do with my post at all, but was part of my day and I am pretty sure that is completely related. We all know that I have no clue what I am talking about at this point anyway.
Updated: March 2018 – Link to video, image and tags
Tonight an album that I used to listen to a lot crossed my mind. It was called Restoration by Doria Roberts. It doesn’t seem like I can find most of my favorite songs from that cd but ‘Nothing Sold, Nothing Bought‘ (Listen to) was the song that I thought about when I looked at the clock and say that it was 3 am, but it was a completely different song that I was actually thinking of. I ended up listening to ‘Thinking of You‘ (YouTube) which was.. not something I was specifically looking for but suiting.
Doria Roberts is most famous for her song ‘Perfect‘ and is one of my all time favorites.
The song that lead me to thinking about all of the above songs was actually called ‘Dying Man’s Wish‘ (YouTube) and I was completely wrong about the lyrics that made me think of it all from the start. The line is “It’s 5 AM and I’m drinking coffee with my girlfriend.” It was only 3 AM so… I should have been thinking about Matchbox 20 all along.
I have no idea why that song is titled that. I feel like I am going to be awake for a while.
The work day did not go well. Every song on the radio was suddenly speaking to me. I made it all the way to my second call before my caller shared her first name with my heart breaker. I hadn’t cried yet. It was just before lunch when my manager decided to monitor my phone calls and nit pick me at the wrong time. The calls come in back to back so when she wants to give me feedback she just walks over and starts talking to me over my caller, as if I can hear what they are both saying. It’s like, “Don’t let anything distract you from your caller, unless it’s me.” But anyway, she pointed out that I ‘didn’t even attempt’ to sell them tv service or cell phone service. That’s where I would stop and argue if I thought it would get me anywhere.. Oh I attempted, I am sure that it was there in the back of my mind somewhere, but there was no appropriate moment in conversation to fit it in without sounding like a complete tool.
So after she tells me about how I can’t do my job right and reminds me to be consistent, I can’t do much to keep me from just busting into tears. Over the last 5 months, work has become increasingly more stressful. They disbanded the department that I was working in and decided that we were all going to sales. I am no sales person. I can’t even sell myself to the woman that I love. Three more calls come in before lunch, my voice quivered and if anyone was paying attention they would have known how hard I was fighting back the tears.
Over the last 8 years I have learned to stay pretty professional under pressure, call centers will teach you that. It was more than I could take today, so I said I was sick and just left. There’s a good chance that my manager was listening to my next calls too. Who knows what she thought.
Yesterday after I came home from talking to her, I went to a friend’s house because I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t say a word. One of the two women present liked to poke fun at the whole thing. It wasn’t something I was ready to face or talk about. It must have been apparent that something was wrong. My friend asked if anything had happened with my grandma or if i had lost my job. That made me feel like I wasn’t looking so good and, well, I already know that I don’t have a poker face. They made me tell them and I simply muttered out that she didn’t want to talk to me anymore. They seemed to understand where she was coming from and respect her for having the courage to walk away from me. There’s no way to fully understand but I am trying so hard to.
When I was driving home and Selena Gomez’s song caught my attention, I was even more disappointed than when I liked the Wrecking Ball video. My super cool chick would have been so disappointed in my sell out self. Too bad she’s not around to show me good music anymore.
