Piece of my heart

I want to dive into your ocean

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It was mid week when a basic email, probably spam, sent a shock to my system. A few months had past since I had really felt my last surge of jealousy. At the time, I was standing in my kitchen cooking and flirting. I don’t know what was exactly said but that’s where I was when I found out that her job had closed down and she was back working with him. I felt a boulder of defeat fall on me that day. I knew there was no change that I would get to see her in any near future now.

Well around Wednesday, I was sleepily clicking through my inbox when today’s date popped out at me. Just when I least expected it, a flood of emotions starting with jealousy, envy, confusion and the slight anger and concern that follows that combination. I have no frickin’ cue what I am so worried about. It’s not like they don’t spend every waking moment together already but it was just a reminder that he gets to spend every birthday with her when I don’t even ever get to see her. It’s just disheartening to me.

I tried to keep my emotions under control, even though she has been quite distant, I just hope that she is doing okay and what makes her heart happy – that seems to be the end result of my minor panic episodes. It just feels so hopeless at times. I never came out and said it to her but I know that she is more than aware of my desires to be around her and most likely for my lack of desire for him to be around – but I try to keep that one under wraps but no one is fooled. In the last few days, I have found myself thankful that so many places are closed today and hoping there are no romantic plans – though – she has been pretty quiet so I can guess that they are busy.

I get this unreasonable concern that he is over there having the time of his life with the lady that I love like some tragic romantic comedy. The likely hood of that is probably quite slim and if that is the case, I will be painfully aware soon enough. Despite my ridiculous fears, I trust her way more than I ever expected to trust anyone. I would like to believe that they haven’t been in that type of relationship for a while but what do I know. Sadly, I know that staying home doesn’t make me any less lonely. That I don’t like being around most of the people that I spend time with to distract myself. The quarantine has already been hard enough. I just struggle with my immaturity in hoping they aren’t having too good of a time. Damn I am an asshole.. Damn, I just want to watch a movie or nap with her once.

It’s true, I am jealous of him a lot – but I try so fucking hard not to be.

I’ll rock you till the daylight comes

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Last night, I had the sweetest dream that is still giving me slightest chills when I think about it.

I seem to wake up with really strong emotions and only remember seconds of my dreams. This morning, I woke remembering her straddling my back and touching me softly. She squeezed my shoulders and then leaned in and softly kissed up the middle of my back near my shoulder blades as she ran her hands down my shoulders. The rush of endorphins seem to be what always wakes me up. I actually believe its more of a repeat of something that has happened before based on other dreams like that. She is the most sensual.. most delicate.. I am typically not into anyone touching me but I’d like to think that I was never like that with her.

It’s all a little funny when I think about it – though I try to stay out of those compartments in the brain. If I would have known the half of it, I would have reacted completely different and ruined everything – so in the end, I am delightfully happy that everything went the way it did and I became ridiculously attached to a woman that I can’t get enough of – I can’t imagine that was really her goal but I hope she enjoys it as much as I do.

I am left wanting her to teach me what I need to know – 7 years ago, I was not in the position to be everything I needed to be. Yesterday, I was driving, and thinking, because I can’t help that. I was scanning the radio stations and stopping at whatever caught my attention. I listened to several classic country songs that — okay one brought a tear to my eye so I will post it below the lesbian music of the post. Anyway, it left me thinking about The Field of Dreams. A movie that I insisted on watching a million times. I had about 3 I was stuck on. Now I have read that anxious children will do this. The world knew that I had everything against me – but I think that I am doing just fine and I believe that I have someone that loves me, despite her limitations and its more important than anything else in this superficial world to me. So – I convinced myself that I need to drag myself out of whatever depression that I have fallen into and redirect my energy.

Also, I drove to San Antonio and back twice yesterday because I left water boiling on my stove and remembered while I was at my grandma’s house. I called my dad and it was a whole ordeal but everything was fine. I learned that I need to stick with steal pots. Last time I left an aluminum pot on the stove too long, it melted. Nothing bad happened but I had hours of driving and thinking –

When left me telling myself, “Build it and She Will Come” which isn’t as easy as just building a baseball stadium like in the movie.. okay I guess that is not easy but – I need to continue to make the needed changes in my life so that I am not embarrassed if she randomly shows up. I need to live life as if I am ready and quit moping around all the damn time because I think I can tell the future based on a couple random things that could mean anything.

Anyway, I loved the moments of thinking about her lips gracing my back – the hair on my legs stand up if I even think about it. I am glad no one is counting how long it has been since someone has touched me. Most would think it was pathetic, I prefer to consider it wholesome. I am kind of grossed out when people try to get me to distract myself with someone else. I simply say, “but I am in love with….” and they follow it up with soo.. and try to convince me – but I have no desire what so ever and I often question what is wrong with people, but I suppose I should wonder – what is wrong with me? I don’t care – I don’t mind it at all – and maybe that is why my dad never dated again. Maybe when you are raised without so much sexual influence, you don’t feel the same as other people.

https://youtu.be/Z4IiRR__DWg

This song followed on YouTube.. so I kept it.

Then I learned a new song from YouTube

Country song that made me emotional because I’m a wuss.

One day. I heard a line in this song that stole my attention. so I listen to it once in a while.

What do they know about this love anyway

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Last night I had two very strange dreams but I think an interesting fact to add is that right before I fell asleep, I accidentally video called here and I was beside myself. I went to bed early just because I was embarrassed.

The dream that I remember from that night was probably related. It took place across the street from my childhood home that I lived in until about 2nd grade. We had walked across the road to the neighbors house and they had some sort of gym / obstacle course set up for the public. As I approached, I realized that C was in line a few people ahead of me and suddenly I was concerned that I was topless and I didn’t want him to see me. So I went home to put a shirt on. I seem to have a lot of dreams where I am completely comfortable being topless and then something happens and suddenly I am not confident anymore. Before I got nervous, I saw that he was there with 2 women – and as I started to get nervous, I realized that neither were here. I started to get defensive for her and then realized she probably didn’t care or at least didn’t want to care so I did not take it upon myself to tell her. In my dream, I guess I wanted to protect her and did not want him seeing me. Possibly common themes in my life. Once I got back after putting a shirt on, he was no where to be seen.

The is the only dream that I had at night. I was watching the kid and she was asleep next to me. She wakes up earlier than I do so when she does, she wants to watch ‘shows’ on my phone. I had given her my phone and put something on and fallen back to sleep. It may have been my guilty conscience yelling at me but the next dream that I had involved a bus. I had been driving the bus with her in it down the highway and we stopped at my house on the way to the destination. She is 5 years old which will be relevant in a minute. In my dream, I came inside and told her I was going to take a nap and then next thing I know is that she is missing and so is the bus. Somehow I am able to call this 5 year old and I have found out that she has made it back to the highway with this bus. I keep telling her to pull over and she keeps telling me that she doesn’t know how. For some reason I have no car so now I am stuck calling her mom begging her to come get me so we can go find the kid who is out driving this bus. Basically, I could not get her to cooperate or take anything seriously and I was freaking the fuck out. I am going to throw some words down here too look at later then head to bed.

I have someone to meet in dream land and I would hate to be late. Since my eyes are growing heavy – I know that she must be waiting to hold me close.

Gymnasium

To dream that you are in a gymnasium indicates that you need to apply what you learned and incorporate it into your daily life. Alternatively, the gym may be telling you that you need to get more exercise.

Obstacle Courses

To dream that you are going through an obstacle course symbolizes the hardships and difficulties that you are experiencing in your waking life. It represents the things that you must overcome in order to reach your goals. The elements in the obstacle course is analogous to the barriers and problems in your life.

Nudity indicates fear of exposure:

Becoming mortified at the realization that you are naked in a public place may reflect your fear of being exposed and feelings of shame. You may be hiding something and are afraid that others can see right through you. Hence, you dream of yourself naked!

Nudity indicates insecurity:

Your naked dream may also point to insecurity issues. You feel that all eyes are always on you – laughing at you, judging you or criticizing you. Being naked magnifies the notion that everyone is pointing at you and laughing. Most of the time, it’s all on your head.

Bus

Dreaming that you are driving a bus means that you are a group leader and a trend setter. If you are driving a stolen bus in your dream, then it means that you are taking drastic measures to get control of your destiny. You are refusing to go along with the system.

Bus Driver

To dream that you are a bus driver suggests that you are moving forward quickly. You need to show more patience and less force. In particular, if you are a school bus driver, then it signifies that through knowledge and learning you will advance rapidly in life. Your dream may be connected with a new learning situation.