Maybe the world is yours?

It finally happened, somehow active shooter emergencies have made their way into my nightmares and to make it even worse, my grandma was involved. As far as I can remember – no one was hurt.

For some reason, there were several women from my family with me and we were sitting in bleachers that resembled a hockey stadium. We were pretty high up in the stadium and there was a barrier in front of us that was high enough to duck behind.

There was some sort of car theft involved and then someone came up to where we were and started shooting a semi automatic rifle into the stands. When we realized what was going on we got my grandma down and I braced myself on top of her, I clenched my teeth and held my breath and with every sound of the gun I expected to be hit.

I don’t remember the ending but as I ducked down there, I wondered when someone would come save us. Why didn’t anyone else have a gun? We were outside and could see where the car had been stolen from. In my dream, I knew the owner of the truck – maybe it was blue, but at this point, I can not recall.

Shooting

To dream that someone is shooting you with a gun suggests that you are experiencing some confrontation in your waking life. You may be feeling victimized in some situation. If you dream that someone is shooting you in the back, then it means that you are involved with some questionable people who may be harmful to your well-being. It also implies that you are too trusting of others.

Stolen

To dream that something of yours have been stolen indicates that you are experiencing an identity crisis or are suffering from some sort of loss in your life. Alternatively, the dream means that someone has stolen your success or has taken credit for something you did. Perhaps you feel that you have been treated unfairly.

Grandmother

To see your grandmother in your dream represents nurturance, protection, and unconditional love. Consider the qualities and characteristics that exist in your own grandmother. She may also be the archetypal symbol of the wise old woman.

My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore

My favorite album of all times has been Pretty Hate Machine by Nine Inch Nails for as long as I can remember. Today I looked up the release date and – well there is no and but it was released October 20, 1989. I have heard all of the songs way too many times and feel quite connected to most of them. The Fragile is also on my list. There’s so much that I could say about life and fear but I just don’t know how to put it into words right now.

Five years ago, today, I saw Nine Inch Nails with Sound Garden – both for the first time. I don’t really remember what was going on at that time but I knew that she was going to be there with C and I was terrified of seeing them. Maybe I was still worried about my heart breaking into millions of pieces. I know it was before I decided that as long as she is in my life, I am happy with the rest. I am not the most open minded lesbian in the world, but I give it my best. Texas has made its way into my inner core at times. In the weeks leading up to the show, I convinced myself that it would be near impossible to accidentally run into one person in the mix of all of those people. In the end, I was only really worried about one of them. I made it through the whole show, made it outside of the venue and much to my dismay, some woman that came with my friend decides that we need a shuttle back to our car. If I know me, I am sure that I threw some sort of fit about having to stand in line to wait to right a bus or something back to our car that was in the closest lot possible. The trolley finally stopped and I made it clear that there was no way in hell that I was getting on that small thing with a bunch of sweaty people and told them I was going to walk – wouldn’t you know that it was at that very moment that I would turn around to be face to face with the one person I was not going to see at the show. Thankfully, he had no idea that he hated me yet and that wouldn’t be the first time that I would see the woman that I fell in love with so many years ago in public with her boyfriend and have to turn and walk away like I didn’t. It’s not a pain that I can describe to many. No one should mix shame with guilt after a shot of excitement. I used to think that I would have reacted differently in such a situation. Society taught me that I should be angry and want to fight, but somewhere along my journey, I realized that the last thing I wanted to do was cause her pain and if I were to react in any other way – I am sure that it would, so I just do my best not to react – but now I look like an insensitive asshole.

The day before I somehow ended up hanging out with and then suddenly in a relationship with Madd – I got drunk and sent her a text. My drunk ass asked if she remembered when I had said something, just a line from this song, clearly struggling with my emotions and showing the world that I am a light weight when it comes to drinking. She simply replied with no and that was enough to leave me mortified. It wasn’t much later that she explained that she just didn’t remember – I don’t know how I can embarrass myself so much in front of one woman that I feel so connected to. I am sure that it’s some defense mechanism, I am the worst with those. I am scared of the world and trust fully with my heart and trust no one with my brain. It leads to complex days for all parties involved.

I am not sure how the next day is probably the day that I ended up in the sandwich shop over-tipping and showing that none of us were tough enough to eat jalapeno poppers. What if they were poisoned? It’s all coming together now. This is what I mean, I am so sick of my competitive, jealous nature. It runs everything in my life and I think that just by recognizing that its present, I can fight it, but it still seems to be a struggle. Sometimes I just need to be able to turn my imagination off and stop thinking for once. Today, I decided I might need a harder job. I have found the down side to doing a cushy job that pays moderately well – too much time to think. I never had time to think about anything but work at my last job.

Broken, bruised, forgotten sore

Today when I accidently googled 512, I came across this song.

I felt like I needed a little Lamb of God on my site.  I couldn’t tell you what the hell they are saying but I am sure it’s good.

When I was younger, I used to go to every Kittie show possible.  I must have seen them 10 to 20 times.  I ran a website called KittieIzGod.com based off the name of their first demo tape.  It was called Sex Iz Hell.  I realize that doesn’t really translate but I was like 15 years old.

There used to be a good Sweeny Todd version of Somewhat Damaged on YouTube but I couldn’t find it today. This will have to do.

I’ve been wallowing in my own confused and insecure delusions

As I walked into my favorite Stripes, I saw there men crowded around this awesome old black Mustang.  They were paying as I was using the ATM so I complimented them on the car. Turns out, it was the cashier’s car.. he is a nice guy, we all bonded over cars for a few minutes and it was a great moment and then I proceeded on with my day and came across this mix.

I was leaving the neighborhood as Santeria came on, and I played it way too loud and I passed her street..

And then Terrible Lie came on so I had to take a detour through the old neighborhood where we used to walk. That was be blasting 90s music from the minivan next to the elementary school today.

Then 99.5 thought that I needed a little Staind in my life after that.

Purely for camedic value, they through in Dirty Deeds..

I reached by destination by the time that Forty Six and two was ending. It felt powerful but no one would understand.

Nobody’s Perfect.. Trust Me I’ve Heard It

Tonight, I feel like I made an ass out of myself in front of the lady.. and by in front of — I mean that I sent her a text message that I questioned later – or 10.  Drinking is bad m ‘kay.  When you are sitting in a bar and something makes your think.. I should text the lady that I can’t get off my mind.. this text about an email that I sent her almost 2 years ago.. Don’t.  You might spend the next forever and a half wondering what she is thinking.

Maybe I’m all messed up
Maybe I’m all messed up
Maybe I’m all messed up in you

I Grow Fonder Everyday Day,
Loose Myself in Time
Just Thinking of Your Name

When everything else disappeared

tumblr_ntsrq0N28Y1sspc3ao2_400

The thing about keeping great records, digital ones at that, is that it is easy to cross reference them when needed.  Today marks 2 years since a difficult day in my life.  That day happens to be the day that I started this site, as a way to deal with the situation.  It looks like it was the next day or so that I was at work, ended up talking to someone that made me a little sad on the phone.. then my boss jumped down my throat and made me cry on a call.. That will be 2 years ago Monday.  In my opinion, I handled it very well.  That call was one call before my lunch, I remember it quite well.  The call after that is the one that I actually started to cry during, barely, but everything had just been building up.  I logged out when it was time to go to lunch, I walked right up to my boss and told her that I was going to the doctor and that I would be back the next day.

In the past, I had been on anxiety medicine, and at some time around when my middle niece was born, about 3 and a half years ago, I had stopped taking it.  With everything that had transpired and how much I was reacting to everything around me, I knew that it was something that I needed in my life.  In retrospect, this site serves as a record of my progress in the last 2 years.  Since then, I have been promoted at work.  I on my 8th training class and somehow I have gained the trust and understanding of the woman that I have fallen in love with.  I feel that way anyway.  It’s a huge deal to me because I tend to keep everyone in my life at a safe distance, but something tells me that she is different.. and I enjoy every minute of it.

When I was coming home from my friend’s house tonight, I drove by her old house for the first time since she had left.  I just kind of turned when I really didn’t have to.  My heart felt a little lighter when I saw his car in the drive way.  I’m uncertain why I can’t bring myself to just ask her a few things.  My imagination had been playing with combinations and statistical realities.. Most people that know me, know that I would wait 2 more years for her without thinking twice.. and hate it – I’m not sure why.  Those act like I am selling myself short and that no one should wait for anyone.. Then the other reactions that I get are more sincere in my eyes, I can’t tell you how much I like it when someone reacts the opposite and confirms that it’s incredibly romantic.  There’s a handful of close friends that know just how I feel.  They see my face when I talk to her.  My attempt to smile as she leaves.  It’s nice when someone actually understands you.  It seems to be so rare lately.

While stumbling around the YouTube.. I found this gem: