There are so many moments in time that I remember the exact conversation and remember just where I was – which direction I was facing and how it felt in that moment. A lot of times that moment felt like a punch in the stomach – probably because my stomach is incredibly affected by what I have learned is probably the release of brain chemicals – but I couldn’t tell you that in the moment. I either panic or melt. I prefer melt.
The earliest memory that I can remember at the moment was one that came back to cycle in my mind forever to come and it would feel different every time. I was with my grandma at Blanco State Park and we were camping relatively close to the public bathrooms. We were walking down the hill back to our camp site on the right side of the road when she said: “You know, if you keep dressing like that – eventually people are going to think you are interested in women. Are you?” I was so young that I honestly wasn’t lying to her when I got offended and said no, disgustedly – I would have responded the same way if she had asked if I was interested in boys – I am going to guess I was about 8 or 10 at the time. They had been struggling with ‘redirecting me’ lovingly but I don’t know that it is possible. My family has always adored me, I don’t think that they ever intended on being terrifying or offensive but in a way – they didn’t know better or thought it was the right thing.
Fast-forward to the day that my brother got bit by a copperhead at the state park in Edna, Texas. I can’t recall the name of the state park at the moment but we ate Thanksgiving there all of the time. It was the day before Thanksgiving in 2003 and my brother had already been driven to the hospital by my uncle (the one that I currently work with) and I had been tasked with collecting the snake to bring to the hospital – so my aunt and I were following behind with a dead snake in a bag. I used a shovel.
So the next conversation that is imprinted in my memory is when my aunt starts talking to me about being gay- at this point there was no denying it. I was in college, my first semester and everyone knew I was gay through I had not really brought a girl home yet – like to Christmas but that would come and they would do well. The conversation that we had that day in her car as we raced to the hospital to rescue my brother was her telling me that my life had just already been so hard and I was finally to the point that I was nearly out of my dad’s house. Everyone encouraged me to move out at that point because everyone was afraid of what would happen when he realized that his daughter was a lesbian – but nothing happened, thankfully. I acknowledged her concern and told her that I would be okay. She said that she just wanted me to be able to grow up and have the happy family that I have never gotten to have yet. She knows all too well what my siblings and I went through – and even at an extremely young age, I knew how to protect people from the trust – so I never even told them everything, I didn’t want to scare my grandma. The rest of my siblings have forgotten everything because they were so young, so my father and I are the only ones left suffering the burden of my childhood. No one hurt me, no one ever hurt me. I had a lot of people protecting me, but I watched my mom destroy my father over and over again and that alone has caused some damage.
I remember the moment that I almost fought my mom in my dad’s kitchen years before the above situation happened. My grandfather had just passed. I think I have talked about that before so I won’t relive the moment I almost got in my first fight and I feel like it would have been real. My dad knew it too and begged me to walk away – and I did.
When my brother was in the Edna hospital, I was standing with my grandma looking out the hospital window at my aunt, uncle and all the paramedics and probably entire hospital staff talking about what they were going to do. I must add that my brother had no insurance or even money to speak of. He had ran away from home to port aransas and he was still a minor. He wasn’t legally emancipated, he just left – so he had no legal guardian present, until they realized that I was 19, suddenly, I was his legal guardian. Back to the point about looking out that window, my grandma said, “Can you please go get George?” She was asking me to go get my grandpa, who had passed 3 years prior. My brother was on a hospital bed so doped up on morphine that he couldn’t speak to me and now my grandma wanted me to go get my late grandpa, I was about to lose it but instead I walked outside to the group huddled out there and just said, “Hey, Grandma just asked me to come out here and get Grandpa and this is becoming too much for me, can someone go do something?” That night was intense and not even part of this post but I will come back to that story some day.
Many years later, I met the woman that inspired this blog. It’s easy to say that I fell hard and quickly without even really realizing it. That’s when these moments stuck in my memory started to make me melt instead of panic. All of the previous moments were not that great but I will never forget them. The first moment that stands out in my mind was when she got to San Francisco, she called me and told me that her plane had landed. She told me that it was beautiful there and that we would live there one day. That was an immediate heart melt and that wasn’t normal for me. I reminded myself that maybe she meant something else, but I could careless – I heard what I wanted to and I was keeping it that way. I had already known that I had fallen in love with but I don’t know if I was ready to admit it to myself. It would be years before I would tell her – though I am sure I tried. I was in my old bedroom. I was standing on something at the foot of my bed looking out my window towards my backyard.
There are actually plenty of other things I remember quite clearly before that but there is something very specific about how these moments make me feel that differentiates them from others. There was a time that I read that Colorado had passed Same-Sex Marriage laws so I texted her and to my surprise she replied. I grew up believing that I would never get married because it just didn’t happen and of course, I planned to do what I want, but I had seen “If These Walls Could Talk II” and I knew that there were legal issues and everything else. I told my friends, I tried to educate people but at some point, I felt defeated and gave up.
Just a month before my youngest brother passed away. The supreme court passed the federal law allowing same-sex marriage. At the time I was a bit skeptical and I still am but since I was a bit caught up trying to help my dad figure out what to do to help my brother through his drug addiction – I hardly noticed. I was happy but just didn’t think it would last. After my brother died, everything seemed less permanent. I could feel myself detaching again. I had spent at least 5 years with little to no feelings but all you get with that is a wasted life. Thankfully, I had found my passion or desire… well I don’t have the appropriate word but there was a flame in my soul that would not burn out and I really needed that about then.
We went to get our hair cut a few days later. It was something that we had actually planned and I believe that she asked me if I still wanted to go. At that point, I needed all of the distractions that I could get. Everywhere I looked, everyone was falling apart and no one knew what to do about it. Secretly, everyone blamed themselves. He was just here days prior. He lived out of state so that was abnormal but he came down here to get off Heroin and we all failed him. He was nice to me. We bonded over African soap and I made him some that I was never able to give him. He fought with my mom and went back early. My mom’s mother died while he was on his way back up. I know that didn’t help matters any. My mom lost her mother and her son in the same week and she was less than stable to start with. My dad was hanging on with a string trying to balance everything. I was watching everyone that I thought had things under control show me that no one really did at all.
But there she was, holding my hand, smiling at me and we went to Mink to get our haircut. She had hers cut link tank girl. I sat on that bench watching her pink locks fall to the ground; trying my best not to admire her too much because I just felt like – I was the only one that felt that way.
That was over four years ago and doesn’t have much to do with my next vague story but last night while I was at Madd’s house doing laundry, we started messaging a lot. I had missed her a lot but was trying to give her space so I was super excited. I was telling her about the smocked dressed that I would wear because I loved my grandma but it was really hard for me because I really wanted into dresses at all from an early age. I had been walking up the stairs to go grab something when I saw she messaged me, so I opened it to read it because at the time I thought that I could read and walk at the same time but I may have read the message and tripped a little as I went to go reread the message at least 3 times before I believed that it said what it did. After my heart melted and I took my last step onto even ground – my next through was – well… I guess she does check that email address. And at the moment of being mortified that lasted less than a second, I continued to wonder how she could ever put up with me. I am afraid to go back and look at my sent messages because I know how bad I am. I used to do it and knew it was the worst mistake. She must really love me and I really love her. No one understands so I keep it to myself but I think it’s important to know that my life is full of love and excitement its just muted by fear and well I think that’s it, fear of the unknown.
