Monica

I try to walk away and I stumble

• by She Says • In Alternative rock, Music, Pop, Top 40 •   Comments Off on I try to walk away and I stumble

When I was on my way home from work today, as I exited the highway, one of my favorite songs came on and I got way too excited. I sang along, felt all the emotions. Thought about the recent article that I had read about Alanis. She was only 14 when she was dating ‘Uncle Joey’ and he was 30; that pisses me the hell off. She must have been pretty young when she wrote this song.

The next song that came on continued to make sparks in my heart. I continued to sing along. As the words carved out the stories in my bones; I questioned, “Is music the reason that I am the way that I am?” It can’t be only the music, but I have been listening to these songs for more than 25 years… Did I become them? Either way, its not hard to see why it’s so easy for me to reject society when I listen close enough.

This is how Canada will eventually take over the United States…

If that were even remotely true; this country would be a much softer and safer place.

I can’t think of the first time that I heard Jagged Little Pill but I have cherished it ever since.

“Hey Leonardo” on the other hand, I remember exactly when that was playing on the radio. It must have come out during the summer. I had lost my grandfather the summer before and our worlds were still turned upside down. I feel like grandma still had the day care but it must have just been for a few family members at that point. She didn’t continue on with the full day care without grandpa.

I took driver’s ed that summer and I was so scared to get my license but I knew that I needed it. At that point, I felt like I needed to get a job to help my dad. I don’t remember paying for anything other than my insurance but I am sure that I helped out somehow or at least paid for my own things that I needed.

There were a few other songs that played often on the radio that summer. Nine Days – Story of a Girl is also a big one on my walking to drivers ed play list. That walk was so sad to me. I stayed the summers at my grandparents house and this summer was the first one without grandpa. The first one without our safety net and the person that did everything for us. He would have driven me to driver’s ed and taught me to drive, but he wasn’t there and I was terrified. I didn’t talk much that next school year to the point it was noticeable. I still remember the boy that exclaimed “Holy Shit, you talk!” when I said something. We were all standing around a hacky sack circle at the time. His name was JR. I have no idea what I said but I remember his reaction. I don’t think that I had even realized my selective muteness up until then but at the time, our house was very quiet and sad. We barely spoke to each other, and I lived in a single wide trailer with 2 other people so that was nearly difficult. My grandfather’s death was a complete shock and totally unexpected so it sent shockwaves through my entire family. My aunt went back to school and became a counselor. Somewhere down the line my brother lost complete faith in everyone and everything and I just kind of stared into space and had a lot of very intense dreams.

We are going to pause for a song break while I collect myself:

It’s been over 26 years now and it’s still difficult to talk about. That is why I decided to shift my writing on this site. I started it 14 years ago when I came home from work after crying on a phone call.

Shifting gears and subjects for a moment

She had told me that we couldn’t talk anymore, the first time. I am sure that I argued, I don’t go look back at that email, if it was one. I think that it was. It was just before my lunch break and my boss was micromanaging me about sells offers on a phone call because my former position had recently been decommissioned. This was before I was training or managing. It was a little old lady on the phone and you can guess her name which I am sure that I had to say a few times on the call. As I was trying to hold it together, there comes my boss asking me why I didn’t try to make a sale to her. She was listening to my call and she heard damn well that she was struggling financially and some other sad stuff and then she came at me with that, I started to cry right there in front of her and everyone else. I logged out, said, “I’m going home. I’m sick. I’ll go to the doctor” and just walked out. She was probably caught off guard by my response and didn’t say shit to me but I did go straight to the doctor, told them that I was having anxiety issues and needed to get medicine again and I think that they put me on zoloft this time but I don’t really remember. I have taken a few things. Lexapro was the first and buspiron was thrown in there at some point but then I basically tried to control my emotions that way. I can’t say that it ever worked well but it was likely muted a lot. I continued to take whatever I was given (when I could remember to) up until somewhere during covid.

I was always getting this medicine from my PCP but after an incident in January of 2018, I started seeing a psychiatrist or something, I can’t attest to the actual title. It was at an MHMR place in town. That made the world of difference. He actually talked to me, and I met with a case worker afterward each appointment. She was my favorite; I had actually met her before starting to go there but we just didn’t talk about it because I would have had to move to someone else. She was great and helped me develop coping mechanisms. The doctor would talk to me about a lot of things, always wanting to go back to high school and younger. Didn’t even really care about the current issues, symptoms, wanted to know why – which had never been discussed with a PCP before. He ultimately explained to me that I didn’t have clinical depression; that I had situational depression. He said that anyone in my position would struggle with the things I was having issues with. He encouraged me to continue working on my coping mechanisms. He explained to me that clinical depression is when people are depressed or anxious over nothing or perceived threats that don’t even exists. Just having those conversations with him gave me a direction and hope. He suggested that I stop taking the medicine because it was really just a crutch and masking the pain, not fixing anything and then he talked about the reasons why I shouldn’t take them which were about in line with what my aunt and many other intelligent people had said.

With that said; I am the absolute worst at interrupting her when she is about to say something incredibly important. It leaves me frustrated with myself for decades to come but once – when she found out that I took some kind of medicine like that, she started to tell me how it wasn’t a good idea but like I always do, I interrupted her and confirmed that I knew the dangers or agreed, something like that. It may have been.. a while ago. Maybe it’s buried in these ‘pages’ somewhere.

But the main thing I need to say about that is – that I never forgot. I can only hope that she can understand better than I can, why I think that I can read her mind and then accidently talk over her. Somehow, I get so excited thinking that I know what she’s going to say, I don’t even let her say it – and I really hate that. I really want to know what she was going to say – not the feeling that I could just tell. that’s… rude as hell of me. she’s so sweet, she’s never even said anything. But I can tell you, I have really missed out on words that I would have cherished so deeply.

Especially the night at the pool parking lot. Sometimes, I want to ask her to tell me more about what she was going to say that night, but at this point, I can’t even ask such a thing. But I always tell myself, ‘She was there, she knows what happened.’ My coping mechanisms may be weird but they get me by and I try my hardest not to cause any trouble for anyone in the process.

When people want to understand why I am the way that I am, I hope that they understand that it’s the 90s music and I wish it upon all. Here’s one more for Blessid Union of Souls. This was before I got into rock music, as you may notice.

Here is a possible walking driver’s ed from grandma’s house play list.

The story will be continued. This is because I am terrible about talking about myself but have plenty to say. I feel like the long off topic information about the medication is wildly important to the timeline of this site. 12 years later, I feel much better and know why I could not give up.

This song has some stigma after the ASPCA commercials, but you know that I love it.

My world crumbles when you are not near

The songs above were all from the top 40 that year. Last Kiss was redone by Pearl Jam that year but I can no longer handle listening to that one, especially with the way that he drives.

Have you ever tried to find the words but they don’t come out right?

• by She Says • In Pop, R&B, Soul music •   Comments Off on Have you ever tried to find the words but they don’t come out right?

Today has been really difficult to hold it together. Last Tuesday was an emotional roller coaster and I still don’t know what’s going on, but I have a good idea.

The flame extinguisher is at it again and its far more serious than I can express here.

Then this song came on the radio when I was coming home from Jeremy’s house. I enjoyed it too much and then laughed at the thought – in 1998, this is certainly what I was listening to and I have some very nice archived tapes to prove it.

Around 1998, I was in middle school – enjoying cable TV in my own bedroom. Within a few years, I would be tying up the home telephone line for hours downloading these songs on Napster. That may have come a few years later.

When I lost all hope, you showed me love

• by She Says • In Music, Pop •   Comments Off on When I lost all hope, you showed me love

Today, I was driving to work and having a mock conversation in my head – quite sure that is an autistic thing but I try not to think about it. I have made plans to hang out with her friend in Sunday before she moves in with her boyfriend. She made a comment to me that her other lesbian friend will be there. So as I drifted off into though on the high way this morning – I though about how I should tell her that I am not a lesbian anymore – I was a lot of trouble when I was a lesbian but now I am demi sexual – still not into penis havers but not into women either, only one woman. It’s practically next to asexual in my book these days. Well as I was day dreaming about how I want to tell people I am demi sexual, this song came on. It keeps playing on the 90s station and bringing me back to middle school but today ‘it was right on time’ and made me smile so big. By lunch I found myself in a panic messaging her to check on her. By the time I was on the way to my grandma’s house to visit her – the lady of my dreams was restoring my faith in humanity and though I do not think its her job to do so, she is the only person that really can.

When I was in middle school, I was big into MTV and because of that, R&B. I would have said I was into rap and R&B because that is what the station was called but turns out – I still can’t stand rap.

A few days ago, Brandi and Monica came on the same station. I chuckle at myself to think about the song – but I just shake my head and I am happy that I am not that person anymore. I wonder what my future girlfriend would think if she knew that I have held on to our relationship 3x longer than any relationship that I have ever actually be in. She might realize I am just as pathetic as my mild obsession with sarah mclachlan and being able to cry. I don’t know why but its nice to be able to cry and be in touch with your emotions. I spent at least the first half of my life thinking it was a weakness only to find out how truly tough it was to actually feel everything without trying to mask or bury it.

Also, I must say, she really knows how to touch my heart. Its all too often that she says something that I never knew she read. I slight embarrassment comes over me and then I feel brave all over again because she never ever has made me feel crazy and I can promise that she has seen it all. I set off many years ago to show her who I really was. I wrote her every day for years even with no reply – wondering what she thought but knowing – I just wanted her to know me – on a level that no one else did. ..now here we are and I feel that I have been more open with her than anyone in my life.

Today I talked to my grandma about Roe vs Wade being over turned. I told her that I always believe there will be a hero that follows closely being any tragedy like this and will fix it before it has the chance to affect too many people. I presented this theory with positivity but my hope was fading fast. My grandmother is 90 years old. She has seen a lot being born in the early 30s. I was a bit surprised at how well educated she was on the subject and though I come from quite the conservative – straight out of the 50s family, she was very aware of all of the dangers. Was quick to assure me that she did not agree with the decision and she was terrified for all of the babies that would be born into awful situations. We spoke about what my experience was with the foster system and how bad it was for my younger siblings that we less than fortunate to have a family behind them. There is no question that nurture and nature both play an enormous part in psychology – I know 4 examples that paint a very interesting picture. I am the oldest so I have seen it all. If my father was someone else or did not have the support of his family, I have no idea where I would have ended up. My parents were both 22 when I was born, my mother was about a month shy of her 22nd birthday. I really don’t know how I survived abortion but somehow I did and so did my 3 siblings. The problem was that my mother wasn’t mentally stable but my father was not aware yet but he would become painfully aware within a few years. When it was clear that she was not fit, my father stepped up and took over. He didn’t intentionally keep us from her but she would come in and out of our lives depending on her living situation or lack there of.

She cheated on my father with someone she worked with from what I know. I have been against cheating my whole life and not that quiet about it. That just throws in a new dynamic that I am not even sure how to tie in but I can start by saying that I honestly do not feel like I have done anything wrong. It may be an early sign of some severe mental illness (in my mind it must be bad) or it may come down to that ethical question, I cant place the term I am searching for – I have never been the best at philosophy if that’s the correct subject. It centers around the idea of the greater good. Maybe its because I do not believe it is a real relationship, more so, I mean, consensual. I have asked her such offensive questions accidently when all I really was trying to ask was “…Why are you there?” I don’t know how to politely ask – ‘how did that dumb ass ever capture your attention’ but it seems THAT is where I feel I have crossed the line.

There is this picture of him in my middle school yearbook, he was such an awkward ugly boy – like bad. She is being loud and obnoxious with the theater teacher in the photo – that’s all I can really remember, maybe its at lunch, I really have no idea but when I think about how I was probably about twice his size back then – and I was right there. It’s really taught me that I should beat some random dudes ass if I can just in case he deserves it in the future.

Also, new revelation. The day I found out that she was living with HIM (I don’t remember what else was going on or know any other detail, I am quite great and staying oblivious). Well anyway, the minute I read that Planet K app, I went to facebook and messaged my friend. I was in a bit of a panic so I mixed up her and her best friend’s bfs names. I asked her what he was like to date and she said ‘a normal hs boyfriend, nothing special.’ and I asked, ‘nothing alarming?’ and she agreed – from what I remember – I don’t look back. Super embarrassing to me. Well, I took that as a relief and reminded me that he was mediocre at best and his parents were only from Spring Branch, no Bulverde. That’s one of the moments I realized how much this situation brought back high school trauma that I had not even recognized yet. I’m well aware that his parents have more money than either of mine. She’s probably quite aware of how unstable my mother is, I don’t really try to hide it anymore but I have come accustomed to not talking about it based on people’s reactions. In the end, I do not think that she really cares about that but like any intelligent human, I can only imagine that what you know feels more secure than what you don’t know. The biggest problem with my anxiety at this point is the fact that I see my friend’s children all the time. My friend that was murdered by her husband of 13 years because she was leaving him for real this time. He shot her in her neck and she died right in front of her 19 year old daughter. He ran out the back door and they caught him right then and there because she watched her mother die. I really avoid taking this there but the anniversary is – in a few weeks. I lived with them – her and her husband. Well they stayed in a spare room when I lived in a house with way too many people. I gave him shit for his shit attitude.

Oh my revelation was – that asking that girl I went to high school with how he was in HS left so many gaps and I just took it as he was safe just probably disappointing but I didn’t think about what alcohol and drugs could add to anyone’s personality and then I thought about her super normal looking family and realized she probably wouldn’t know misogamy if she saw it. There I was like: Fuck.

Would I have stepped in long ago if I didn’t really think she was confused as to who she wanted – I don’t believe that she has feelings for him at all anymore but maybe that is just my lesbian coming out. It’s actually my complete trust. I typically do not believe people can handle fragile objects like myself but she seems to take the greatest care to the point that I can even calm myself down.