missing her

Giving away promises I know that I can’t keep

• by admin • In Music, Rock •   0

I’m feeling a bit down tonight. The more that I think, the worse that I get… I guess that’s where having a live-in friend is a good distraction.. She’s on her way back for all parties in interest. Right now I am filling my lungs with smoke and my ears with that music. I made it about 15 minutes into their Japan tour and realized that this music is not helping. It’s just reminding me that I have a terrible concept of music or people think I listen to bad music anyway. I like lyrics and well, I haven’t heard and that I understand yet, so it’s time to go back to the standard Ani Difranco, but that won’t help either.

I am about to start and I always tell my self that’s the reason I am missing her so much, somehow it happens every time. Maybe that’s just part of being a woman.. that is in love with another woman, and the rest of the story is irrelevant.

This is where most anyone else would stop me and say, “No, Jen.. the rest of the story is very relevant.” I suppose this is where I get irrational.. I’m like, “No we are just friends.” and that self control that I think I have flies right out the window. It’s not that I don’t have full psychical self control but that emotional self control is non existent.

Every other word circling in my head right now has been said time and time again. How did I end up feeling like this, in this situation.. and I am so certain that I am in the right..

Last night, in my dreams, we had a real conversation.. it wasn’t in the direction that I was expecting, or wanting. I convince myself that it is just my fears manifesting.. Over thinking tends to lead to such things. Sometimes I just want to stare into her eyes.. I feel like we could have a whole conversation without any words. I’m pretty sure that it would end up with her smiling and kissing me.. or maybe I am just slipping off into a day dream again. Actually, I’m certain that I have drifted that direction.

The truth be told – soon enough she will text me and want to hang out. It will be like nothing ever happened.. and I will be completely okay with that. Because my life is pretty fantastic anytime that she is around. My life is so confusing.

This is exactly why I gave up feelings so long ago. Now if I could only remember what it was like to not care about any damn thing right about now. It’s weird how that works.

we negotiate with chaos

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Music •   Comments Off on we negotiate with chaos

How does she do this to me? It was sort of funny when I said something about her to a co-worker today and in referring to her I said, “Well, the lady that I wish was my girlfriend…” She laughed and said, “You better not let your girlfriend hear you say that.” I laughed back and said.. yeah same person.. I don’t know why. I am sure a nerd… always dreaming.

I think I was actually just making an excuse for why I haven’t shaved in so long when she saw me scratch my leg… if she only knew, it was really because I am lazy as fuck…

Now for a completely unrelated – amazing song..

This is you according to me

• by admin • In Folk, Music •   Comments Off on This is you according to me

She’s on vacation and I haven’t heard from her in a few days. This morning while I was listening to my play list, this song came on right after Adele “Rumor has it” and it made me feel a little better since that song always makes me a little frustrated. Our birthdays are coming up. I can’t wait to see her. My imagination runs wild and she’s always part of that. Once in a while she says things that take me by surprise.. and I love it. Maybe her imagination runs wild about me too.

I know the pieces fit ’cause I watched them fall away.

• by admin • In Progressive Metal, Rock •   0

Any time that a tool some comes on, my mind drifts away to somewhere else.

Last night as I was playing the lateralus album while my friend Joy was hanging out. I wouldn’t even notice my complete distraction. She would catch me staring off into space following the lyrics in my head which always leads me to think about something else. When she would ask what was wrong, i would say nothing and pretend it was nothing. She knew better and made me change the music.

 

and I also seem to be a bit into this one but it’s not my favorite

think i’m going for a walk now i feel a little unsteady

• by admin • In Folk, Folk Rock •   0

Today I had to go on another walk.  I didn’t stop at the park like I normally do, because there were some kids playing there.  I have listened to all of my Ani Difranco songs up until about the Ls at this point.  This song hasn’t come up yet, but at 3 am this seems to make me feel better about something.  I wish she wouldn’t blow me off the way that she does.


But I do look forward to seeing her again.