As I reread my text to her, I wonder if she notices the changed that I have made for her. It nearly too me 30 years to consider someone else’s feelings and I hope that I do an okay job of it.
Long before I ever discovered why I wasn’t invited places, she was going fishing somewhere south west of here. I threw the biggest fit over text about that. She said something like that I shouldn’t make her feel like shit just because she wanted to go an do something.
Those words cut so deep and I have tried to conscientiously be positive in all of my messages to her after that. It’s not always easy and I am sure that I am not always perfect at it but I am pretty sure that it is the first time that someone was ever able to get through to me like that.
I have had a history of making mistakes with my words. People think I am harsh, but I think the doctors call it anxiety. My medicine has helped me a lot. When my emotions don’t get out of control, I don’t seem to either.
The thought of hurting her is more that I can ignore. I hope that she understands where I’m coming from when I cause trouble. She has always been amazing at calming me down when I start to panic about whatever it is that I am making a big deal of at the time.
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When I say that I am always completely honest, that is a lie…
I always keep her feelings in mind. It isn’t always the first thing I think about and sometimes I have to calm down and remind myself what’s really important before I stop acting so childish.
If I told her how I really felt….
I would be afraid that I was providing a bias opinion. I know that no one would would give a shit about that but her feelings and best interests are what seem to be most important to me.. Which is exactly why at this point I just want her to tell me that she’s fine but she’s too busy to talk to me. Why is that comforting? I have no clue but I get pretty scared of some irrational things.
Do I really believe all of the things I imagine? I sure as fuck hope not, but crazy shit does happen. I never thought I would end up in such a situation. Just thinking about it all is enough to make me want to cry right now. One can imagine what I was like when I actually did read that post.
Did I say that I read it over and over again? Just to make sure.. that’s what it said. It never changed, and stayed up for so long.
When I think about that – I wonder how she felt when she read my reply – it actually devastates me to think about it. Just recently I was thinking about this, in a, I know its not easy being her either, type way…
I went up to Austin to busy myself. Went to Central Market to meet Jenn for lunch. She wanted to know how things were going with us. The last she heard I was gushing about how great things were and how I thought things were going to be different this time. She had always seen something in us, ever since she met us at the party. It’s always nice to have people that encourage something that turned out to be so controversial.
While I was at Central Market, I stumbled into the isle that had all things that smell good. There may have been 2 or 4 isles. It got pretty over whelming. I knew exactly what I was looking for and had no idea all at the same time. Would you have found it endearing? This is something that I asked myself as I continued to search for the smell that I knew would bring me some peace. Why do I have to admit to being so weird? Why am I so open about all of this? No one would imagine how closed and scared that I tend to be. Okay, maybe someone would notice how scared I get. Back to my venture to determine, “What is that fragrance that I associate with her?” I never found it. After I developed a head ache from smelling every essential oil and natural bar of soap, I wondered off to the bathroom to go before I drove home. In my moment of weakness, I sent one of those shameless texts… Never expecting an answer, but thinking about how nice it would be if it was just that easy. Smells are powerful.. All that psychology and stuff. Since I have nothing left to lose but dignity (ha who am i kidding?) my bracelet still has that smell to it slightly. These are things that I am far too tough to think about ever, but I suppose you make me secure in my femininity, if it can even be called that.
After that I stopped at Goodwill on Lamar and bought this pretty cool camera thing for a bike. It has a fisheye lens on it and a strap. Once I got home, Lauren and her new girlfriend came over. Honestly, it reminded me of when we used to hang out with her and Rachel. Today no matter what I did to distract myself, I was left — with my mind somewhere else. I was determined to come back and write about something happy.
This post was an attempt of — something — but I am pretty sure I was all over the place with my tense and did a horrible job at expressing myself.
Today I spent a few moments in immature thinking land. While visiting I thought things like:
..Well I guess I didn’t buy the right car after all. (haha WTF is wrong with me)
..Damn Nine Inch Nails coming to concert and messing my whole life up. (Really?)
and the exceptional gem:
..I must have pissed the wrong guy off in high school. (Probably but I don’t think it lead to this)
There are equally absurd and I know that in my heart that she wouldn’t stop talking to me over a car. If it was about the Nine Inch Nails concert comments, then it was just the final straw, it wasn’t my first jealous outburst. As far as the guy part.. who knows, he may have been like “fuck that bitch,” I can’t say that I have ever been very popular with men. Especially in high school.. that was a really rough time for me and at least some of the people that live with her did not make that any better. In all reality, that would be just as crazy as the other two options but these are things that go through my head along with way too many other things.
Today I thought about the Saturday that she went to a party in San Antonio and how she said, “Oh I just assumed that you would go with me,” but I had to work. That was in person later followed by a text saying that her friends would’t let her stay home.. that day circled in my head for a while today.. I always came back to the same question, “What would have happened if I would have skipped work to go?”
I was just always waiting to go somewhere or do something with her but every time that I thought ‘this’ would be the time, something would change. It’s hard not to think that I was doing something wrong, but she was convincing the last night we were able to talk. She left me believing that it was never due to a lack of caring.. which means more than I can explain.
Updated: March 2018, Image, tags, embedded video link
This morning started with the worst physical pain, but eventually I pulled myself out of bed with enough time to get ready, buy drinks for work from the gas station and log into my computer on time. My manager asked me how I was feeling, she seemed concerned and I felt like everyone was talking to me like I was a delicate egg about to crack. I wondered what people noticed when I ran out yesterday before lunch. It’s not like my manager doesn’t know that I am sensitive. She has called me that before.. I always took offense to the word until I heard her refer to her dad as being a sensitive artist, ever since then, I have worn the adjective with pride. Sensitive is not what you want to be when someone kindly explains to you that things just can’t be.
It’s not hard to see that she did it for me. What’s hard to grasp is why it has to be that way. I’ve always been great at living in an alternate universe, denying reality, and I was pretty good at it. In the 15 years that I have know wholeheartedly that I was a lesbian, not once did I ever consider dating a woman that had a boyfriend. When I thought I was being really “Progressive” I would act like I was going to mess around with a girl that had a boyfriend, just trying to act tough, but I never actually went through with it, until it was accidental.
She had all my respect from day one, before I even knew her story, before I ever felt her love. I never wanted to pry or to get into her business. There’s been insecurity and jealousy issues in my past. Since I didn’t even feel I needed to ask her age or sexual orientation, you can imagine, “Are you in a relationship?” never came up. Today in the car on the way back to work from my lunch break, a George Strait song, “She’ll Leave You With A Smile,” came on the radio, listening to it had never felt the way it did today. For lyrics and the song click the respective links. There was only that one line at the end that really hurt reminding me of the reality.. but it was completely accurate.. it was all worth it. It hurts like hell, but I know she’s trying to make it simpler on all of us, even though I would prefer the more difficult past. Not all people are as masochistic. I would face the pain of being away from here every day if she’d let me. The disappointment would fade eventually when she would tell me that she couldn’t stay or blow me off.
My friends seem to appreciate her decision to cut me off. Something I don’t agree with at all, but once again, who am I to judge. This is all too familiar. I have already felt like this before. With some help I was strong enough to let her walk away, because things just couldn’t happen that way. Last night was the first time I took my new medicine. I really hope that it doesn’t make me feel so sick again. She said that it would take three weeks. There’s a part of me that feels like I am giving in and taking medicine that I don’t want to be taking. It almost seems shameful, but then again, I just did a lot of things… that – I wouldn’t normally do. The doctor was very convincing, they always are. From what I remember about last time, it helped when I really needed it. There’s a generic now so it’s affordable so.. we shall see. Looks like I join corporate america more and more every day.
There’s something endearing to be able to look back at a total mess and know that the person you love had the best of intentions. I’m appreciative of all of the time that I got to spend with her and I can only have faith that I will see her again. It’s very rare that I find anyone that I feel like this about.. and every time, they seem to have a man that feels the same way about them. It doesn’t seem to ever turn out in my favor. Not that this kind of thing happens all of the time, but when I fell in love in 2006, by 2008 she had left me to date some guy that looked like her ex boyfriend. Amazingly enough she was engaged to said ex boyfriend before I ever knew that she wasn’t dating girlfriend steal-er anymore.
When it’s time to talk about more tragic lesbian stories, I will have to talk about how I got to find out about such said engagement. The feeling that I experience that day in front of her unknowing sister felt pretty similar to the day that I read my new love’s craigslist post 6 months after meeting her, in which it explained he was in a relationship with a man for over 5 years. It was unfortunate that I had dated her and fell so quickly for her just the 6 months prior.. It’s a sickening feeling for a dedicated lesbian that can hardly imagine straight sex.. honestly. But she meant to much to me, I tried to get over that, though it appears that I drove her off because I just don’t know how to be friends with benefits.. I am more of a lover with feelings kind of lady. Who knew it could make life so difficult at times.
