melissa etheridge

Wait by the light of the moon

• by admin • In Folk Rock •   0

It would be great if I wasn’t the most awkward person ever.

I have only been awake for a few hours and today has been quite interesting.   For self preservation reasons, I turned my ringer and all volume off so that I could enjoy my last few days of not having a job.  Around 2 pm she comes calling my name at my window.. she’s not who I wanted to come to my window.  It was the neighbor / ex saying she has been trying to call me.  She asked if I wanted to go to lunch with her.

As I was in the restroom, the 4 year old came banging on my front door.  My brother started yelling because he thinks she takes complete advantage of me and he’s tired of it.  I didn’t have a shirt on and I was on the toilet, so I yelled to Harley to let her in.   I don’t think that she delivered the message that she came to deliver due to all of that excitement.

Moments before this – her mom was chasing the cat that had gotten out and fell.  Apparently she couldn’t get up on her own.  She gets a bit dramatic but what do I know.  I called to complain about her sending her kid to my house and she was screaming in pain so I ran over there.  I questioned if it was to get attention because she knows where I went yesterday and she has acted a bit jealous but why would I care.  I am clear that she is just my friend but she teases and – well, knows me.

I helped her get up and calm down and then we went to go get food after her oldest got off of the bus.  He wanted to go to Olive Garden, so I have to have an economics lesson with him. He started to throw a fit so I threatened to never go to Olive Garden again.  Damn I am such a mean non parent. I offered up Chuy’s and then Maddie suggested Blaze Pizza.  Since the 8 year old was throwing a fit, I asked the 4 year old where she wanted to go.  We ended up going to Blaze.   I parked across from the steps and she claimed I was trying to kill her because the walk was an extra 100 ft, so she pointed out an empty spot in front.

I don’t know how the world does these things happen to me, but it was pretty much like when my friend’s friend wanted to wait for the shuttle bus at the NIN concert and made me wait there forever just to turn around at the wrong time.

I couldn’t tell you what I was thinking about or what we we were talking about, but I can tell you that I looked up – saw her smiling at me and panicked.. just a little.  Of course, I felt the need to yell out, “Omg That’s M and her boyfriend…” you know, because that is the mature, adult thing to do.  Then I proceeded to try to get the kid out and act like I didn’t know them, though that felt rude as hell, I thought it was the correct thing to do.  The kid had conveniently taken her shoes off and I couldn’t function to save my life.  Trying to get those toddler shoes on seemed to take forever.  Then I realized I was standing in their way, but it was way too late to fix that.  I could only hope that she was giggling to herself and slightly amused.

Then of course, I get lost in my own thoughts.  We walk inside and Maddie is asking me a million questions like, “do you want to split a pizza.  What do you want on your pizza?”  The kids think the railing is a monkey bar and that drives me fucking nuts.  I’m over here like, ‘oh shit, she saw me with my ex – I hope she doesn’t think anything crazy..’ like anyone would ever care what I do, but I like to think so.  I through our a few answers.   She laughed at me and said I was dumb.. but I knew that and totally agreed at that moment.  The worst part was feeling like I shouldn’t say hi to my favorite person in the world.  No one taught me how to react in that situation.

We ate lunch.  She kept talking about it and asking me questions and making snide remarks that I just ignored.

I feel like it went something like: So that’s M.  Exchanged comments about thinking she was on my FB as I explained she didn’t have one as far as I knew.  Maybe she had seen it in the past but I never gave her the satisfaction of confirming that.  She asked why I was so hung up with her.  I said I didn’t know, maybe I was supposed to say I am not.  I followed that by saying she is just a really good friend and I enjoy spending time with her because she isn’t like most people I know.  She just looked at me weird.

She’s like my mom in the way that she will use anything that she has ever heard against you in the right moment.  She was acting nice in this conversation, but I knew she was using it to insult me.  By the way she was talking, I could tell that she.. I don’t even know, thought there was a lot more going on that there is.  I guess she doesn’t believe that I can actually just have close friends.  Or maybe she knows that I can’t help but smile when I think about her…

I am quite framiliar with feeling embarrassed when it comes to her, but why did I have to drive up that very second.  I am glad that we saw each other yesterday and that she smiled at me – because I am just so weird.  I don’t act this way around anyone else.

You make me stare, when I should not

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Music •   0

I’ve developed a habit of staying up all night and sleeping all day, as if I was on summer vacation.  The ex has developed a habit of calling me, waking me up and asking me for something ridiculous.  Today – I said no.

Since I was woken up and asked a question, I was a bit confused.  I thought she was telling me that her son (8) was home alone and wanted to go play, but I had to be aware to check on him and she was asking if I would. I said no, I’m sleeping and went back to sleep.  This was at 1:15 PM.  There’s something that makes me feel really bad to saying no to something I am physically capable of doing, soon enough, I couldn’t sleep anymore and got up by 2.  I texted her and told her that he could go play outside because I was awake.  Little did I know, she was either home or bringing him home to stay alone (with me next door) and somehow through the next exchange of messages that came out. After minutes of being awake – I knew that I didn’t want to be here anymore. There is a lot going on with my brother and it’s intense.  Everyone else is silent or asleep here and I owe LMC a little money, so I ask the ex when she will be back because I want to go to Lisa’s.  She says they are going to Austin and it will be a few hours and not to leave him alone for more than an hour at a time.   This is where it starts to feel like I am watching her kid for her and she treats me like complete shit, so I was not willing to do that.  She already called me at 9 something this morning asking me to go sit with her kids while she went to go get sodas.  When I got there her 4 year old asked me to make her food, if that tells you anything about how much I do for the kids.  Why couldn’t her mom had made her food?

I asked her to get me a soda while she was out, because I thought it would make me feel better about doing things for her.

When I went back to bed, I had a hard time falling asleep right away.  I laid there and thought about this one time that M and I met at Jo’s.  That day was the first time I saw her after she got back from out of state.  She had left right before I met Maddison.  When she returned, I felt like I had so much explaining to do.  I knew that I didn’t owe anyone an explanation.. but I really did.  I had been completely in love with her for 3 years, she leaves, returns and I had a girlfriend.. that I hated, but I am not sure if that point came across.  I think I was able to at least express that much to her.  I needed her to know that I wasn’t attracted to my girlfriend, had no interest in her and had a very inactive sex life – which took effort, but I blamed my medicine and distanced myself.  When I saw her, I got so nervous/excited, I have no idea what I said that day. I can tell you what table we sat at.  I can tell you that my back was to the wall and hers was to the counter.  We normally didn’t sit over in that little area, but today we did.  I feel like she could see through my eyes to what I was trying to express and I feel like she understood more than anyone would and accepted that I did what I did for whatever reason I did it, and I don;t think she was worried at all.  I wondered if she still knew that she was everything that I had ever wanted.. but could never ask.

I have always tried to respect her situation – and I don’t know why – but I can’t refer to it as anything other than that.  I’ve never wanted to make anything worse for her.  There has been things that she has said that have sunk deep into my heart.  I have beat myself up for not being more assertive and asking more questions.  When I think about an example of what I am talking about, the first thing that comes to mind is – I don’t even know when we were having this conversation – but she said that her parents would not have even noticed if she had been kidnapped.  We had been talking about when she left home.  It always made me feel uneasy to think about. She looked down and her tone changed in a way that told me this was significant, but I felt like she didn’t want me to ask, so I never did.  It’s strange to me that I can be so shy with her yet so incredibly open.  In the end, I always feel very protective of her and the rest just gets complicated in my head.  Watching  my brother breakdown has made me question my sanity a time of two, but luckily. I have her in my life and she is always there just in time.

This song popped up and I have not heard it before.  I am going to leave this here.

I wanted to talk about something very specific and forgot it when my dad showed up.  I need to reread this and see if it comes back to me.  For now, I suppose this is all.

To hell with the consequence

• by admin • In Folk, Folk Rock, Heartland rock •   Comments Off on To hell with the consequence

The night before the concert, I was leaving my friend’s house when I glanced over and saw how empty it looked down the road. The porch light was not on. There were no cars in the drive way. Of course, I took the long way home to see why it looked so different in that direction.  I haven’t had a chance to go back but as I passed, I felt relief that her bedroom light was on until I noticed that it looked nearly completely empty inside.  I had the classic fear of being pulled out of your school and moved across the country, suddenly, I felt like i had lost a best friend.

With 700 miles of driving, I had plenty of time to reflect and think.. I am left hoping she is happy and enjoying life.

Opportunity Cost.

• by admin • In Folk, Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Heartland rock, Music •   0

I have been an emotional mess lately but I think that I have also held it all together pretty well.  It’s almost a shame that there is a pill for that.. well, at least a combination of pills, but I feel like it would be possible to do it without pills but I don’t know how to get the motivation and disciple that it takes so instead, I take pills, which take a level of disciple itself.  It will be 4 years since I started this site next month.  First, she told me that we couldn’t talk or see each other again and then a combination of a few calls and my supervisor at the time’s abrasive coaching method, lead me to walk out, schedule an appointment with my doctor and tell her that I needed to get back on my medicine.  Since then she has added to it and on most days, I am just fine – but other days, even if I can stop the mental side of the anxiety, I still feel the physical affects and it lasts for days.

Today, I am struggling at work.  There is someone that I really want to talk to and just walk with, but I can’t and that’s even more frusterating. Yesterday, I ended up getting stuck in Spring Break traffic on the way back from picking up a kid 300 miles away and nearly lost it.  Some may claim I did lose it but I feel like that is all relative and the only witnesses are not the most credible for different reasons.  The non verbal one has plenty of limitations but the other two, can’t share an unbiased opinion not to mention, one is eight years old.  My free time has expired, so this will continue at a later date.

I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

• by admin • In Music •   0

Sometimes, I am just way too open with my lady friend.

Thing song always makes me think about the day that she was leaving.. I wanted to make her change her mind..

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This happens to be one of my favorite songs.. today, it’s making me think about her — for no particular reason at all.

As I drove home from work today, the song that I recently mentioned, Charlie Puth – One Call Away played on the radio.  It’s interesting because I had just heard it for the first time that day from YouTube.  Leave it to the radio conspiracy.

Got to be true to myself

• by admin • In Music, Pop, Rock •   0

It’s been a while since I have posted anything. Tonight on the drive up to Austin, I heard this song and it took me back to the day that it has always reminded me about:

I wondered more than ever, what the words even meant. As I thought more and more about that day that she left me standing by my car as she left.. Then I thought.. “yeah and then I went all Melissa Etheridge on her.” It’s not something that I am specifically proud of, but I won’t deny it all the same. I started flipping through the radio stations when I ended up on one playing this song. I didn’t even have to change the station more than a few times.

The reason that I was in Austin, was for a concert. I saw Dashboard Confessional and 3rd Eye Blind. It was a good show. There was something missing and I was pretty sure that it was her.

Then on the way home, this song came on and I sang it until I lost my voice..

Tell me why it took thinking about her when I heard this song to make me realize that I may be a bit emotional today. I know that she is and I want to — make her smile.

It’s about that time.. when my dog wants me to come to bed.