Then maybe you would understand why I feel this way about our love

It’s really no secret that I love 90s rock alternative. Today a song that I have always loved came on the radio right before I arrived at work. It played perfectly up until the point when I had to turn off my car and the song was just ending. I like when that happens. On the subject of secrets, it was months after she told me not to talk about our relationship to others that I realized just why it was a bad idea to share concerns and worries with your friends instead of the lady that causes the feelings..

All of my friends judge me and well.. her, terribly — because they just don’t understand. How could they? I hardly understand, but I continue to believe that I have a firm grip on what’s important.

As my friend gives me a run down of the drama that has ensued in her life lately, it really gave me a perspective as to how she might feel about the situation that we have ended up in.

It’s easy to feel like the victim when you feel like everything is going wrong and you just can’t understand why, but it’s much harder to step back and realize how your words and actions affect others.  She has seen the fear in my eyes, but she has also seen the love.

Where did that point and purpose scurry off too?  It is about that time where it has become lost again.  There has been a few sayings that have given me hope and motivation lately.  Last night I heard one in reference to my friend that is having some issues with her own romantical life… I know that is not a word, but it should be..

Someone told her, “If you are in love with two people at once, you should probably choose the second one.. because something was wrong with the first one to allow this to happen in the first place.”  Now I don’t think those quotes should be on there, because the world knows that I can’t remember exactly what was said, but I heard what I needed to hear.

The other quote was in reference to enlightenment.  I couldn’t even get close with that one because it was days ago but the gist was that one becomes enlightened when they can stop worrying about everything and start letting things take its course.. or thats what I got out of it anyway.  Now it could just be the pills talking, but I have been feeling a lot better about things the more than she tells me, even if its hard to swallow at first.  ..Everything happens for a reason.

In exciting news, I have plans to meet with my favorite lady today after work to get drinks at the coffee shop and go see her rockin new car today. Normally I would be more excited about the car.. but that’s not the case – that’s how you know it’s real.

and as for this lovely song.. She has never told me that she loved me before, except in my dreams.. hilarious but that’s a literal statement, however, if my opinion counts for anything, she’s told me that she loves me in so many more ways.. including a silent, wonderful look..

You know my heart’s a stereo that only plays for you

Today when I was on my way to work, one of my favorite cheesy songs came on. I emailed her the first day that I heard the song on the radio and told her that it made me think of her. From what I know it’s been out for a while but I heard it for the first time about a year ago.

No matter how I feel about our situation, when I hear this song, I get so excited and smile and remember why I think she’s so perfect for me… I’m gay like that.

One of my favorite lines is “And all I ask is that you don’t get mad at me, when you have to purchase mad D batteries”

It would be so hard to put my feelings into words about this song but that line reminds me of … well, how much trouble I can be.. I hear “Dating men is so much simpler”  Since when was simple better.  I’ll keep my D batteries, thanks.

Just want to start this over

I am left with this energy about me, every time that I see her… or ever talk to her. It’s a nice change when I fel like its hard to get excited about much sometimes.

cant help it

When I saw the image above, I thought about her and had to save it. My desktop is full of images that make me think about her; not that I need any reminder, but people say it’s cute.. or something like that. I guess I am sensitive after all.  I think I have been doing well at keeping a balance and control of those emotions that get so carried away so easily.

I had not seen her in months, she started to talk to me again, maybe she could see my progress from a distance.  It’s nice to feel trusted.  The words she uses reminds me that its not me that she doesn’t trust.. or something like that.  Life never gets less complicated.

Updated video link June 2023

I know the pieces fit ’cause I watched them fall away.

Any time that a tool some comes on, my mind drifts away to somewhere else.

Last night as I was playing the lateralus album while my friend Joy was hanging out. I wouldn’t even notice my complete distraction. She would catch me staring off into space following the lyrics in my head which always leads me to think about something else. When she would ask what was wrong, i would say nothing and pretend it was nothing. She knew better and made me change the music.

 

and I also seem to be a bit into this one but it’s not my favorite

think i’m going for a walk now i feel a little unsteady

Today I had to go on another walk.  I didn’t stop at the park like I normally do, because there were some kids playing there.  I have listened to all of my Ani Difranco songs up until about the Ls at this point.  This song hasn’t come up yet, but at 3 am this seems to make me feel better about something.  I wish she wouldn’t blow me off the way that she does.


But I do look forward to seeing her again.