M

I don’t have to pretend, she doesn’t expect it from me

• by admin • In Folk, Music, Pop, Rock •   0

There are certain moments in our lives that make me see the progress. As long as I am moving forward, I am happy. We have had a history of… unconventional communication, to say the least. It had been about 2 weeks since we had gotten our hair cut together. I hadn’t really heard from her much, which is always hard on me. I am not sure how this song related at all, but it’s what is playing in my mind.

I feel like we get closer every day, even though I go weeks and sometimes months without even seeing her. Most of the talking is one sided but I truly believe that she likes my communication.. even though most would not agree with me.

Today I was reminded of how much I have grown up in the last 2 years.. I was at a local gas station.. read the condom wrapper next to me.. and I didn’t even puke.. exaggerated, maybe.. but yes, it happened. Then I contemplated sexuality and questioned my lack of desire.

I Wish That I Had Charlie’s Girl

• by admin • In Music, Pop •   0

Today as I was driving home from work, I felt emotionally weak as I replaced Jesse’s name with Charlie in my head without intention.

I started feeling guilty and sad at the same time. Why do I have to love someone that is so taken.. and how will I ever know if she is happy or not.

The realization that I would rather live a life of solitude to ensure that the people that I love are truly happy, is not a foreign concept to me.

There is a lady that I would do anything for and I just want her to know that. No one would believe that I have no so much as kissed her since sometime in 2013 probably about mid October. The moments will last forever in my heart but I have since lost the date because the time frame no longer matters. There is no question, we have the most complex relationship that I have had with someone that is not related to me. That sounds weird as I type it, but it is not hard to tell I do not mean sexual relationship. I just wanted to broaden it to encompass every aspect of my life. There are so many reference points but its almost hard to keep them in order.

My thoughts have gotten so complicated on the matter. Things like the nine inch nails concert and the day she broke up with me play over and over in my head. Sometimes I can’t stop thinking about things that happened before I even met her, those are usually about him and so long ago. I’ve never thought so much or been so distracted by anyone. I honestly feel like she affects me in the most positive ways but I constantly worry that I negativity affect her life. The last thing I want to be is selfish but I also don’t want to be so passive that I see right past the truth.

And did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day?

• by admin • In Music, Pop •   0

Today is my grandmother’s 83rd birthday, so I took off of work. This whole situation with K helps me put things with M into perspective somehow. Yesterday, I decided that I am not really frustrated with the individuates involved but its more about the larger problem. Now I am battling social and feminist issues. I have always tried to keep my personal beliefs out of it, but it seems that you can not separate such things.

I’m just another soul for sale… oh, well

• by admin • In Music, Rock •   0

There was a time that I composed lengthy emails to M and I truly believed that they went unread. She has this sweet way of letting me know that is not the case. You would think that after the same thing happened time and time again, it would get easier. It doesn’t. It actually gets more frustrating every time that it happens. I cannot count the number of times that I have had to think, “I thought that we were over this” to myself.

On this Monday in history, I was lucky enough to combine the disaster that is my personal life with what was supposed to be a great day at work. When I am upset, there is no hiding it. I don’t mask my emotions well and every facial expression that I give will remind someone that I am not happy.

The gist of the situation was that just like with M, I met a new friend, I thought she was super cool and fun and faster than before – her jealous boyfriend put a stop to that. It’s the longest non story that could ever exist. The complexity of each situation makes it near impossible to explain why I take it so personally. My ethics — well — no one gives a shit that I am a good person, not to mention that I am far to shy to make the first move with anyone ever.

One of my friends that was trying to make me feel better about everything made me laugh by saying, “If any of these men knew just how innocent you were, none of them would even have a problem with any of it.”

I take it completely personally because I feel like once that they find out that I am a lesbian – it’s over. I had no idea that being a single lesbian was so difficult. Maybe it would be different if I had ever tried to “take someone’s girlfriend” or well done anything else wrong. I still can’t keep up with how I am supposed to know when some guys think its okay when their girlfriends mess around with other girls and others seem to have completely different ideas. I never understood that at all. The fact that I would have a near heart attack just imagining my lady with someone else keeps me from actually ever crossing that line. Life is so complicated and I am so lost. I would rather just never flirt with another girl again just to be able to have true, quality friends.

What hurts most is when you realize that your friends didn’t stand up for you to your boyfriend – I guess it’s just easier to let me take all of the blame since I am not there. It sure makes me look like a terrible person, but why would I care if I know the truth? This is still bullshit and I expected more out of each of them.

You said that you could let it go

• by admin • In Music, Pop •   0

Oh tonight is rough and this song has always gotten to me pretty well.

Despite everything falling to pieces around me as I tried to solve the puzzle.. she makes me feel incredibly special. The verse by Kimbra really affects me deeply because.. I wasn’t the best girlfriend with T. I had a lot of anxiety problems and freaked out often at things like her staying out late with guys. Maybe if she actually listened to me like M listens to him, I wouldn’t be single at this time.

It hurts because I blame myself for that. For most things really. Now I just want to calm the hell down so that I can hang out with my favorite people without making their boyfriends mad or sad or whatever boyfriends do. I don’t know much about those things.

Sexuality is a strange thing

• by admin • In Words •   0

I read an interesting article today, unrelated to direct subjects, the reference and reaction of her ‘feminist husband’ is refreshing.

I Waited Until My Wedding Night To Lose My Virginity And I Wish I 

I try to be as open with her as possible.  Actually, I pretty much tell her everything that I can.  Still trying to figure out what I think about him.  Why I even think about him.  I suppose it’s because I am constantly reminded of him in her moments of extended silence.

Today I wrote her a deep email.  I told her about a recent, shocking dream, even though I couldn’t even get my description written out.  I mentioned December 17th to her.  Now I realize that remembering specific dates probably isn’t normal.  It’s a feared date or whatever ya call it. Not a happy one.  It is the day I realized what the internet could do.  It won.  I lost.

I also liked this article:

10 Ways Introverts Interact Differently With The World

I’d hang out with both of them, if that’s what it took.  I would  be as open-minded as possible hoping that he would be as sensitive as possible.  I have no reason to think that he wouldn’t.  I still hate his friends though.

Names, Dates, and Times

• by admin • In Movies, Words •   0

I like coming across lists like this. Too often lists on the Internet are boring. It reminds us to be thankful for what we have.

20 Signs You’re Succeeding In Life Even If You Don’t Feel You Are

I know that I have come an extremely long way. I wonder is that psychic that I talked to over 15 years ago was right about me settling down in my 30s.

Day number one of 30 doesn’t feel too bad. Of course all the people that tell me that I look 18 help that a little. Living in a college town and aging is a difficult process. Would she want to know that I would totally settle down with her. Often, I want to tell her that she knows the single me. She sees the romantic me come out from time to time, but she has never really known the dedicated and charming side.. or so I feel. This has all been rough and I think about it all too much.

I have quotes from “The Lake House” spinning in my head. I finally watched the first half and it was everything that I had imagined. I wonder if she has seen the movie..

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to

• by admin • In Music, Pop Rock, TV, TV Show, Words •   1

Why do I even care if T told me happy birthday before she did… She surprised me last year and I’m still holding my breathe.. and fighting my urge for pizza… and failing. I wonder if I piss her off… or could she find it romantic too? I’ve never feel like this before.

I want to learn how to make videos like this:

I wouldn’t dare tell anyone else that I downloaded Premiere… and stared at it for a minute. It was almost as overwhelming. How did this happen?

It amazes me – how the mind works. How do is it that over 10 years after I graduated, I start thinking about how he was moved into my algebra I class half way through the year in 7th grade with a bunch of other guys. Our class was all female before that. That was the first time he interrupted my energy.. They sat in the back at this long table. Why do I think about these things?

Internal battles are something else. I try to stay away from lifehouse, since, you know, I don’t want to get beat up – but it’s pretty much how I feel today. The only thing that I want to do is spend time with her.