• byadmin • InEmo rap, Pop Rock, Punk, Rock • Comments Off on I can’t grow a mustache and I ain’t got no season pass
There was a time in my life that I was embarrassed by how much I loved Bowling for Soup, but now I embrace my nerdiness. I think it helps that I may be the least socially awkward at work, which never happens – but I can’t keep up with these people that have dedicated their life to being nerds – at least I have tried to resist.
The I catch myself going and doing some shit like this:
Here I was working on my video editing. I couldn’t help but think about the night at Showdown that I know I bucked up when some guy was flirting with her in front of me. We have a very unusual relationship and as the years passed, I realized why we never went in public – but I could care less at this point.. I wonder if Candace noticed, I can only imagine it lead to the comment about that we should date. Anyway – back to my story, as she flooded my mind, I decided to send her a message with only a heart. I didn’t think that she would see it until tomorrow, but she saw it pretty quickly. That’s really all the attention that I needed to warm my heart – and I have no idea what she even thinks – but I am just happy that she notices me.
Last night, I was reminded that if I had a theme song, it would probably be this:
I am posting this dream a day later, so I hope that I have not forgotten much of it. The dream was the first dream in a series that I have had and been able to remember so well.
It’s hard to pin point exactly how it started, but I was over by a close friend’s house on my bike and somehow I ended up inside. I heard someone coming and knew that I wasn’t supposed to be there, so I hid in this room that seemed more like a pantry stacked full of random items. My friend’s partner came in the room and found me. I felt like I was hiding like a scared mouse. I was confused as to why I was in their house, but he seemed less than surprised.
I stood near the door way talking to him. The topic of conversation escapes me but it was a calm and casual conversation. She sat behind me shaking her head ‘no’ as if she didn’t want me to say something, but there was nothing controversial being said. I came to and left from the house a few times. The house was debilitates and the best way that I can describe it is it was like a rundown drug house. The front room was made out of a school bus that was falling apart and had been painted white. There seemed to be way too many people living there and I found out that she was sleeping on a pull out couch with several other people, so I urged her to leave with me. She never seemed willing to leave.
The area seemed like a war zone, I had to stay alert as I rode my bike over to her house each time. Once I was passing her house as I heard the car approaching, it sputtered and broke down right out side the house and I was attempting to help him fix it.
In one of the times that I was coming or going, I starting talking to this girl, she introduced herself with the same name as my friend. I didn’t think much of it but later I told my friend and she gave me a concerned look and told me that this girl’s name was Ophelia and she has no idea why she would lie and tell me otherwise. She suggested that I stay away from her because she was bad news.
Throughout the dream, I was trying to convince my friend that she should leave with me and that she deserved better than this. She continuously refused, but I could see in her eyes that she wanted to go.
At some point in my dream, I had had my bike right there with me and the next thing I knew, it was missing. I searched for it frantically for a moment and then suddenly gave up and just walked off.
After I told someone about my dream and started to think about it more, more details came back to me. I looked up a few things and I was surprised as to what I found.
The name Ophelia is a Greek baby name. In Greek the meaning of the name Ophelia is: Help.
Bicycle
To dream that you are riding a bicycle signifies your desires to attain a balance in your life. You need to balance work and pleasure in order to succeed in your current undertakings. If you have difficulties riding the bicycle, then it suggests that you are experiencing anxieties about making it on your own. If you are riding a push bike, then it means that you want to move forward at your own pace and by your own power.
Shack
To see a shack in your dream represents your undeveloped self. You need to expand your Self. Alternatively, the dream may also be a pun on “shacking up”.
Car
To dream that your car won’t start indicates that you are feeling powerless in some situation.
Hiding
To dream that you are hiding suggests that you are keeping some secret or withholding some information. You may not be facing up to a situation or dealing with some issue. However, you may be getting ready to reveal something and confess before somebody finds out. In particular, to dream that you are hiding from some authority figure (police, parent, teacher…), implies feelings of guilt.
War
To dream of a war signifies disorder and chaos in your waking life You are experiencing some internal conflict or emotional struggle which is tearing you up inside. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are either being overly aggressive or that you are not being assertive enough. Perhaps you need to be prepared to put up a fight in some area of your life.
Its been a long two weeks and shes on her way back to be with her family. It was a bittersweet change of events. I’m already planning my trip out to see her.
We spent time together before she left and she said all of the things that I have been waiting to hear. It was relieving to know the truth. There were so many times that I was afraid that I was completely alone and obnoxious…
As I sit here wondering which song I should listen to first, thinking about how I should take a shower so that I can breathe normally and contemplating the desire for my brother’s company. He hasn’t seen me yet and he doesn’t know. It’s almost guaranteed that he will say something insensitive and just piss me off anyway, but the distraction of his constant talking will help me avoid my constant thinking. He is right, we are good for each other.
Its my fault that I feel like this right now, she tried to give me one more peaceful day, because she just might know that practically freak out like the guy that leaves the lights on..
The first time that I watched that video, I emailed her about it. Why am I such a weirdo? When I cry over her, it always feels a little more real.. well, I don’t cry over things that aren’t real.. The way that I breathe out slowly and my chest shakes a little.. it always reminds me of the way that I feel about her, maybe there is a sense of trying so hard to understand the positive.
My dog has started to whine for this cold taco that probably sucks ass at this point. I feel like I ordered it over an hour an a half ago. back in the past.. ast.. ast.. ast..
There I was, sitting at Torchy’s Taco’s. They were particularly busy on this spring break night. She replied to my casual text telling me there was something that she needed to tell me and asked if I wanted to go for a walk tomorrow.
Once we confirmed that one of my least tragic, worst fears were coming true, I tried to remain calm and not be bothered by such shocking news. Since I have been crying for over an hour, slowly and quietly, I do not think that I am doing the best job at that.
My brother has since walked in the room and has started playing the bass behind me. Like with everything, I will trust that this is for the best and then go forward the best that I can. Does she know how much this is crushing me. Is she moving back there with him? This hurts worse than I thought it would.
When I was younger and devastated, I would listen to Sarah Mclachlan.
It’s been a while since I have written. I tried to make some changes after I turned 31 and moving on was going to be one of them. That didn’t go as planned, but I did start dressing nicer at work, which flowed over into my daily life, because I am not one to change my outfit multiple times a day.
Since I last wrote, I started talking to a friend’s friend – and the entire time, I was more concerned with what M was going that what she was. She could obviously tell, asking if i was going on a date when I would see her.. I don’t know what it was that I did, but I made it suspicious and nothing was even going on. She has been on my mind a lot lately. I have had vivid dreams about her for the last 2 nights.
The first dream was us messaging each other online – which was supposed to be gmail in my mind, but it clearly wasn’t. It was more of a cheap version of instant messaging like you see on older movies complete with the Mac noise for message received.
In that dream, I asked something like “Does he trust me yet?” and she replied with, “There is no he.” Typing dialogue has always seemed difficult for me, so I will apologize now for blatantly ignoring grammar rules in this paragraph. I know how it is supposed to be but in my blog, it’s like this. I then made a half ass joke about respecting any pro nouns that a human wishes to use.. and she laughed, said she needed that and followed it by ‘That’s not what I meant.’
As I read her last words, my nervousness about her, that I was sure had faded – came right back – full force. I was nervous, shy and didn’t know what to say all of a sudden. She does that to me. I have been working for years to convince myself that she is just my friend and will never be anything else.. the sheer opportunity in my dream left me speechless.
That is actually a dream that I had last Friday night, because I was thinking about it as I was drunk and riding in my friend’s car home from a party Saturday night. I decided to keep it to myself, because – well, besides the fact that I deem it inappropriate.. I share way too much information with her and that is one more thing that I need to work on in this 31st year of life..
The dream that I had last night, leaves me thinking that I thought about that dream way too much over the weekend:
The dream last night was less detailed or I can not recall it as well as I can the other one. The part that stands out most of my facial expression and reaction. I really don’t think that there was more to the dream than this..
I guess I should start with saying that I haven’t talked to M much this month and last night she messaged me asking me how I was feeling. I have been sick. Simple things like a message or email from her leaves my head in the clouds for hours at least.. so that happened..
and then I had a dream at some point last night.
She seemed to be meeting me somewhere and said, ‘I’m still not really supposed to see you.’ I looked at her concerningly and said, ‘Okay.’ I have no idea what the next few words were but somehow she said, ‘Yeah, my new boyfriend’s name is Lawrence and he’s just not big on the idea.’ You can only image how much my heart sunk. It was so fast that it hit the floor and shattered and I know that it was all over my face. That is all that I can remember.. really – all I know is that she had a new boyfriend named Lawrence – the rest of it, I haven’t a clue. It was enough to bring my world to a crashing halt, thus reminding me that just because I can ignore my feelings if I want to, it doesn’t make them any less meaningful or extreme, they come right back the minute that I stop actively trying to ignore them.
A few nights ago, I had a dream that I haven’t told anyone about. It was almost like if I just didn’t talk about it. It would just go away. Somehow that approach to things never works as well as it sounds. There is a song that hear on the radio and each time I do.. i think about the dream. This is where I must add some explanation.
From what I can remember, my dream started like a pretty standard night for me. I was pulling up to my mailbox to check the mail on the way home. This night was unlike most, because it was much colder than normal. I was wearing a heavy leather jacket and I could feel the cold on my face as I leaned over my passenger side seat, which for me is more like climbing, and reached for the mail. As I stuck my hand towards the back of the mail box to reach something that had been pushed all the way back of my mail box, I glanced up to see someone looking at me as he walked by. My immediate reaction was to ask if he needed a ride, as it was someone I recognized.. and I did. It was not something that I gave a second thought or even had a chance to consider what the next few minutes could be like. He hesitantly accepted the offer.
I pulled up a little in front of my mail boxes and he got in my car and pointed in the direction that he was going. I nodded and turned the radio back up slightly. It felt like forever and I was burning up in my jacket. The drive felt pretty real as I acted as if I was following his directions.. but I knew exactly where he lived. I never said a word, tried my hardest to keep a straight face as I drove. Most of the time I used the cold and the exaggeration of how cold it was to mask my facial expressions. I wasn’t sure what he would see, but I knew that it would be something.
This was fresh on my mind today as I drove to the store to get dinner. The Sublime song came on again and I just drifted off into thinking about that dream, my thoughts and how I felt. My heart races, I was so nervous, and of what. There were moments when I thought that this is how people get murdered.. Then I realized that he probably had no clue at all. What surprised me the most – is that the emotions that I was trying so hard to hide were shame and guilt. What would have I said if I would have said something? As I pulled up to the store, I thought about a lot of things.
When I went inside… I could have sworn that I saw her. There in line – checking out. My heart stopped and I froze. I was never quite sure but I walked away… What would I say to her?
I have felt like crying for weeks. This isn’t helping any. In a few weeks I will be turning 31 and I have never felt older. My youngest brother would be turning 26 this year. He hasn’t even been gone but a few months and everything has started to fall apart. I often wonder what he would think if he could see us right now.. He would say.. ‘Damn, they really did care about me.’ It all has made me sick.
and for the song that wouldn’t stay out of my dreams and keeps taking me back to them…
In watching both videos, I am quite sure that I did not mention how the dream ended. I pulled up to her house, parked where I normally would and glanced at him as he thanked me. I was just trying my best at this point at hiding my feelings of despair, defeat and some things that I’m just not used to. I drove away, trying not to cry, as I had many times before.
