I can’t imagine why I would post such a song on my lunch break, but I guess songs like that get to me every time.
love
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead
There is so much that I could say about this, but I still decide it is best to stay as quite as possible. I know how I feel and its hard to ignore all the ideas that cross my mind. After an unexplained chain of events, each of our last names are on my mailbox. It’s something that will make me smile to myself each day that I check the mail, until I realize it is just a piece of paper in a mailbox. I’ve had the best, most confusing feelings. My desire to do right and my passion for her seem to conflict quite often.
Just want to start this over
I am left with this energy about me, every time that I see her… or ever talk to her. It’s a nice change when I fel like its hard to get excited about much sometimes.
When I saw the image above, I thought about her and had to save it. My desktop is full of images that make me think about her; not that I need any reminder, but people say it’s cute.. or something like that. I guess I am sensitive after all. I think I have been doing well at keeping a balance and control of those emotions that get so carried away so easily.
I had not seen her in months, she started to talk to me again, maybe she could see my progress from a distance. It’s nice to feel trusted. The words she uses reminds me that its not me that she doesn’t trust.. or something like that. Life never gets less complicated.
You held your breathe and the door for me
Today I got the biggest surprise, and loved every minute of it. Even if I did keep talking and say everything that came to mind without filter, whatever, that’s me. Tonight I am listening to a lot happier music than normally. Ani Difranco isn’t specifically sad but it discusses political issues, even subtily that are just too real and tend to get me down.
Tonight I listen to this song and think about her. I feel like a pompous ass when I hear a song and it reminds me of someone, because I could see them saying those words to me.. I feel like it should usually be the opposite.. but I am pretty fond of myself, even if I fake otherwise well…
too many words to share, i hope tomorrow is the Sunday that I have been waiting for
Before I go to bed and dream about… whatever it is that I can’t get off my mind… here are some ‘inspirational’ memes that I have saved over the last month or three. I feel like I can see some spelling errors already, but they make me laugh or smile.
think i’m going for a walk now i feel a little unsteady
Today I had to go on another walk. I didn’t stop at the park like I normally do, because there were some kids playing there. I have listened to all of my Ani Difranco songs up until about the Ls at this point. This song hasn’t come up yet, but at 3 am this seems to make me feel better about something. I wish she wouldn’t blow me off the way that she does.
But I do look forward to seeing her again.
You Pretend It Doesn’t Bother You
Today was the first time I noticed the word Omaha in one of my favorite songs. It reminded me that she never told me her mom’s name.
Terrible feelings after bad decisions
Fighting back tears is the last way that I planned to spend my night. My life had been going so well, how can things come to a crashing halt so quickly. What aspects should I have amended, where did I go wrong? Words circled my head turning my brain into a tornado. The least helpful ideas came to me throughout the day.
My friend called me as I got off of work today. She had ran out of gas while going up a steep hill by our neighborhood. Like any good friend would, I went and got her gas to help out. As I poured the remaining gas into my tank, since she insisted she didn’t need that much, something clicked… For at least a month, I had this picture of some random guy that I had hardly known years ago in my head, as I poured the gas I realized how I knew him. This may be some of the most random combinations of sentences, but it all seemed for relevant.
The last year has seemed like a movie where I was looking in. I don’t know if it is even worth speeding through the first two months but we will for comedic reasons. People need to laugh, after all.
Actually it holds no relevance to my life at all right now, one thing lead to another and I ended up talking to this woman, who I was so scared to ask any questions of. I had an immediate attraction. My friends could see the smile in my eyes when I would mention her name. They laughed at me when they would ask me simple questions that I couldn’t answer. “How old is she?”, “Is she bi or a lesbian?” I just laughed it off when they thought that it was crazy that I had no intentions of asking her any of this. From day one, I knew that I wanted to be around her. She made me laugh, smile, have butterflies in my stomach, and I could care less how old she was or what she said her sexual orientation was..
One friend came out and asked her how old she was, I felt like it was just one more number that people judged people by and I wanted to have no part in that. From the very beginning I had no intentions of judging her at all. This was the first time in longer than I could remember that I wasn’t looking for something wrong with someone. The things that I can find wrong with someone can go on forever, but it’s funny that I can’t think of a one right now. It’s been a too long since I have taken anyone seriously in my life.
Tonight she told me that we can’t see each other anymore. This destroyed my heart more than I expected. The music that I choose to listen to does not help one bit. After she broke the bad news, I did the one thing that I am fairly sure I should not have done. When she told me that we had to turn around and go separate ways, right then, I yelled out that I thought I loved her, and turned and walked away. I never looked back but I had to stop a time or two and I may have even sat down for a minute. I hoped that she had waked away and didn’t look back either. I wouldn’t want her to see me feeling so weak. The inside of my ribs hurt at this point. I keep waiting for her to show up at my house. What fantasy world do I live in?
Edit: Image added 3/2018