• byadmin • InPop, Rock • Comments Off on If you knew what I’m left imagining
When I say that I am always completely honest, that is a lie…
I always keep her feelings in mind. It isn’t always the first thing I think about and sometimes I have to calm down and remind myself what’s really important before I stop acting so childish.
If I told her how I really felt….
I would be afraid that I was providing a bias opinion. I know that no one would would give a shit about that but her feelings and best interests are what seem to be most important to me.. Which is exactly why at this point I just want her to tell me that she’s fine but she’s too busy to talk to me. Why is that comforting? I have no clue but I get pretty scared of some irrational things.
Do I really believe all of the things I imagine? I sure as fuck hope not, but crazy shit does happen. I never thought I would end up in such a situation. Just thinking about it all is enough to make me want to cry right now. One can imagine what I was like when I actually did read that post.
Did I say that I read it over and over again? Just to make sure.. that’s what it said. It never changed, and stayed up for so long.
When I think about that – I wonder how she felt when she read my reply – it actually devastates me to think about it. Just recently I was thinking about this, in a, I know its not easy being her either, type way…
I have been trying so hard – to love her the right way. It isn’t ever easy loving someone that you can’t be with, but it gets even harder when you have to face the reasons why you can’t.
Yesterday I spent a few moments complaining to my best friend from high school, that I was certain her boyfriend is Charlie and I explained how I came to that conclusion. I think her response was something along the lines of, “Jen.. what did you think paying attention would get you?” So I listened and I remembered, I typed some words in youtube and I watched every video that I found on that channel. Well only most of them, and then followed that up by an explanation to her via email. I am so nerdy sometimes.
I just said, “Amy.. I am sure she is dating Charlie… and I am pretty certain that he is the one that won’t even let her be part of my life…” If anyone knows that I have difficulty making real connections with people, its her. She’s been my best friend since about 1997.. around the same time that I met Charlie. I am pretty sure that he was in my computer lit class.. the last year that I had a crush on a boy. It was 7th grade.
When you grow up in the middle of no where going to a conservative ass school… you get to know the people you grow up with. If the guys you live with dont know who I am, its only because they are so full of them selves and stuck up, they have forgotten or something.
She asked, “Does he know that it is you that he is saying that she can’t talk to?” Like I know.. but she was just as shocked. I don’t know why I feel so entitled to be in contact with my friends that mean the most to me… but people just don’t tell me who I can and can’t talk to. A strong woman taught me that years ago.
PS, I didn’t run over the hairy faced guy riding his bike up the street last night around 11 as I was headed to the gas station. I felt like someone should have been proud. It was dark and I honestly didn’t see his face but in my mind — he could have been the offending party.
And for the record.. I would never hurt anyone, not even someone that would purposely hurt me, but at 11 at night I will make jokes to myself in my head about it.
Tomorrow makes one year since you called me your girlfriend as I was taking you home. I will never forget that night.
This morning started with the worst physical pain, but eventually I pulled myself out of bed with enough time to get ready, buy drinks for work from the gas station and log into my computer on time. My manager asked me how I was feeling, she seemed concerned and I felt like everyone was talking to me like I was a delicate egg about to crack. I wondered what people noticed when I ran out yesterday before lunch. It’s not like my manager doesn’t know that I am sensitive. She has called me that before.. I always took offense to the word until I heard her refer to her dad as being a sensitive artist, ever since then, I have worn the adjective with pride. Sensitive is not what you want to be when someone kindly explains to you that things just can’t be.
It’s not hard to see that she did it for me. What’s hard to grasp is why it has to be that way. I’ve always been great at living in an alternate universe, denying reality, and I was pretty good at it. In the 15 years that I have know wholeheartedly that I was a lesbian, not once did I ever consider dating a woman that had a boyfriend. When I thought I was being really “Progressive” I would act like I was going to mess around with a girl that had a boyfriend, just trying to act tough, but I never actually went through with it, until it was accidental.
She had all my respect from day one, before I even knew her story, before I ever felt her love. I never wanted to pry or to get into her business. There’s been insecurity and jealousy issues in my past. Since I didn’t even feel I needed to ask her age or sexual orientation, you can imagine, “Are you in a relationship?” never came up. Today in the car on the way back to work from my lunch break, a George Strait song, “She’ll Leave You With A Smile,” came on the radio, listening to it had never felt the way it did today. For lyrics and the song click the respective links. There was only that one line at the end that really hurt reminding me of the reality.. but it was completely accurate.. it was all worth it. It hurts like hell, but I know she’s trying to make it simpler on all of us, even though I would prefer the more difficult past. Not all people are as masochistic. I would face the pain of being away from here every day if she’d let me. The disappointment would fade eventually when she would tell me that she couldn’t stay or blow me off.
My friends seem to appreciate her decision to cut me off. Something I don’t agree with at all, but once again, who am I to judge. This is all too familiar. I have already felt like this before. With some help I was strong enough to let her walk away, because things just couldn’t happen that way. Last night was the first time I took my new medicine. I really hope that it doesn’t make me feel so sick again. She said that it would take three weeks. There’s a part of me that feels like I am giving in and taking medicine that I don’t want to be taking. It almost seems shameful, but then again, I just did a lot of things… that – I wouldn’t normally do. The doctor was very convincing, they always are. From what I remember about last time, it helped when I really needed it. There’s a generic now so it’s affordable so.. we shall see. Looks like I join corporate america more and more every day.
There’s something endearing to be able to look back at a total mess and know that the person you love had the best of intentions. I’m appreciative of all of the time that I got to spend with her and I can only have faith that I will see her again. It’s very rare that I find anyone that I feel like this about.. and every time, they seem to have a man that feels the same way about them. It doesn’t seem to ever turn out in my favor. Not that this kind of thing happens all of the time, but when I fell in love in 2006, by 2008 she had left me to date some guy that looked like her ex boyfriend. Amazingly enough she was engaged to said ex boyfriend before I ever knew that she wasn’t dating girlfriend steal-er anymore.
When it’s time to talk about more tragic lesbian stories, I will have to talk about how I got to find out about such said engagement. The feeling that I experience that day in front of her unknowing sister felt pretty similar to the day that I read my new love’s craigslist post 6 months after meeting her, in which it explained he was in a relationship with a man for over 5 years. It was unfortunate that I had dated her and fell so quickly for her just the 6 months prior.. It’s a sickening feeling for a dedicated lesbian that can hardly imagine straight sex.. honestly. But she meant to much to me, I tried to get over that, though it appears that I drove her off because I just don’t know how to be friends with benefits.. I am more of a lover with feelings kind of lady. Who knew it could make life so difficult at times.
