love

When everything else disappeared

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Folk Rock, Glam Metal, Grammy Nominee, Hard Rock, Indie Rock, Industrial rock, Music, New Wave, Rock •   0
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The thing about keeping great records, digital ones at that, is that it is easy to cross reference them when needed.  Today marks 2 years since a difficult day in my life.  That day happens to be the day that I started this site, as a way to deal with the situation.  It looks like it was the next day or so that I was at work, ended up talking to someone that made me a little sad on the phone.. then my boss jumped down my throat and made me cry on a call.. That will be 2 years ago Monday.  In my opinion, I handled it very well.  That call was one call before my lunch, I remember it quite well.  The call after that is the one that I actually started to cry during, barely, but everything had just been building up.  I logged out when it was time to go to lunch, I walked right up to my boss and told her that I was going to the doctor and that I would be back the next day.

In the past, I had been on anxiety medicine, and at some time around when my middle niece was born, about 3 and a half years ago, I had stopped taking it.  With everything that had transpired and how much I was reacting to everything around me, I knew that it was something that I needed in my life.  In retrospect, this site serves as a record of my progress in the last 2 years.  Since then, I have been promoted at work.  I on my 8th training class and somehow I have gained the trust and understanding of the woman that I have fallen in love with.  I feel that way anyway.  It’s a huge deal to me because I tend to keep everyone in my life at a safe distance, but something tells me that she is different.. and I enjoy every minute of it.

When I was coming home from my friend’s house tonight, I drove by her old house for the first time since she had left.  I just kind of turned when I really didn’t have to.  My heart felt a little lighter when I saw his car in the drive way.  I’m uncertain why I can’t bring myself to just ask her a few things.  My imagination had been playing with combinations and statistical realities.. Most people that know me, know that I would wait 2 more years for her without thinking twice.. and hate it – I’m not sure why.  Those act like I am selling myself short and that no one should wait for anyone.. Then the other reactions that I get are more sincere in my eyes, I can’t tell you how much I like it when someone reacts the opposite and confirms that it’s incredibly romantic.  There’s a handful of close friends that know just how I feel.  They see my face when I talk to her.  My attempt to smile as she leaves.  It’s nice when someone actually understands you.  It seems to be so rare lately.

While stumbling around the YouTube.. I found this gem:

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low

• by admin • In Folk, Folk Rock, Indie Folk, Music •   0

400_WithFriendsWeAreNeverAlone_1024x1024Today has been the longest day in a long time.  For some reason, I thought that it would be a little easier after she left, but it wasn’t.  When I say that it would be easier, I mean, as I waited, for 2 weeks, for the day that she would leave – I wanted to see her change her mind and stay.  It was a count down of when she would be gone and it was terrifying.  I thought that maybe that fear would be gone once I knew that she was on her way to start the next chapter of her life, but I missed her terribly all day.  She’s probably not even talk way there yet.  Around noon, she stopped by to give me a picture that she made for me and then she left.

As I typed those words about the picture, I was looking at it and saw there was this charm and seemed to open and once I opened it, there was a note inside.  It made me cry.. the sweetest tears.  I am quite sure that I will marry that lady once day.  This is the first time in my life that I ever thought that I would even consider marriage.   She won’t ever know, but I already went to my company’s website and looked at local listings.  I found a few nice once, it seems like there is a huge job market in her area for my work.

I am going to continue my day my going to tell my sister all about everything.   She has been a huge supporter through out everything.  That reminds me, in less than a week, this website will have been 2 years old.  It was started after she told me that we couldn’t talk anymore.

Names, Dates, and Times

• by admin • In Movies, Words •   0

I like coming across lists like this. Too often lists on the Internet are boring. It reminds us to be thankful for what we have.

20 Signs You’re Succeeding In Life Even If You Don’t Feel You Are

I know that I have come an extremely long way. I wonder is that psychic that I talked to over 15 years ago was right about me settling down in my 30s.

Day number one of 30 doesn’t feel too bad. Of course all the people that tell me that I look 18 help that a little. Living in a college town and aging is a difficult process. Would she want to know that I would totally settle down with her. Often, I want to tell her that she knows the single me. She sees the romantic me come out from time to time, but she has never really known the dedicated and charming side.. or so I feel. This has all been rough and I think about it all too much.

I have quotes from “The Lake House” spinning in my head. I finally watched the first half and it was everything that I had imagined. I wonder if she has seen the movie..

I’ve been careless with a delicate man

• by admin • In Alternative, Alternative rock, Music, Rock •   0

Tonight, while I was watching the new American Horror Story with friends, the words in “Criminal” seemed to speak to me. I don’t blame her for a thing that has happened and once in a while when I am thinking about the way things turned out – I can’t help but ask myself – was it terrible timing or perfect timing?

If things happened in a different order, theres a good chance that I would have ran screaming in the other direction… let’s be honest.

She’s everything that I have ever wanted in a friend and partner but I have so many preconceived notions that I have created to ‘keep me safe’ I would have been over whelmed long ago. I’ll have to admit that she has a way of handling me..

And since this song also seems appropriate, it will be added. Today was so long and the hardest part at this point was wonder what I did and trying to keep myself from pestering her.

On that note, I realized that – deep in my heart, I am so confident that she loves me and that she feels all these things for me. A few things have been said here and there so that I know that things are not completely one sided, but I can’t help but be shocked at my audacity sometimes. It’s like part of me is terrified that I have done something to upset her which constantly argues with the part of me that just wants me to calm down and ‘let her do her own thing.’ That is the side that knows she does not want to hurt me like this, but it just comes with the situation. That is the same side that sees her pushing me away in hopes of protecting me from the pain. I’m not convinced that it works, but I will keep believing in brightening her life the way she enlightens mine.

he didn’t understand me and I don’t know why I didn’t go

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Music •   Comments Off on he didn’t understand me and I don’t know why I didn’t go

If my life were a movie, this is where the sensitive ones would have started to cry softly to themselves.. It made me want to anyway. My friend, Torie, had wanted me to come over for a while. I was at another friend’s house but I left to walk to her house. I believe in perfect timing.. and well… not so perfect timing too.

As I walked up the major street that I live on, or I suppose I should say we.. I had my phone playing my MP3s on shuffle and just second after “Rush Hour” by Ani Difranco started to play, Just as the words “Did not tell him there were certain things he did not need to know” echoed through my ears. I was staring at the stars… because this song.. puts me in some kind of place… Just then this star fell straight down, right in front of me.

This lady that has stolen my heart lives within walking distance. If I would have kept walking down this street, I would end up at her house.. essentially.. I stopped dead in my tracks. I felt like the star fell forever. It burnt out much later than I expected. I stopped to text and tell her about it. It’s been days since I have talked to her. She’s on vacation. I try not to wonder with whom. My lunch break is almost over and this song is going to make me.. feel something. **Big Gulp**

Have I mentioned that I never thought that I could love again…

I’m pretty sure that I was wrong.

I know I’ve felt like this before, but now I’m feeling it even more

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Music, Rock •   0

I had a song to write about but I forgot what it was now.  The other day I was driving in the car with her and I kept coming across the Passenger song, “Let Her Go.”  and I had to keep changing it because I couldn’t listen to it next to her.  When I check my Shazam I am reminded it was Dreams by The Cranberries….

 

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Most people don’t know this about me.. but I didn’t believe that I would ever let myself love someone again, and I’m pretty sure that I do….