lost

Opportunity Cost.

• by admin • In Folk, Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Heartland rock, Music •   0

I have been an emotional mess lately but I think that I have also held it all together pretty well.  It’s almost a shame that there is a pill for that.. well, at least a combination of pills, but I feel like it would be possible to do it without pills but I don’t know how to get the motivation and disciple that it takes so instead, I take pills, which take a level of disciple itself.  It will be 4 years since I started this site next month.  First, she told me that we couldn’t talk or see each other again and then a combination of a few calls and my supervisor at the time’s abrasive coaching method, lead me to walk out, schedule an appointment with my doctor and tell her that I needed to get back on my medicine.  Since then she has added to it and on most days, I am just fine – but other days, even if I can stop the mental side of the anxiety, I still feel the physical affects and it lasts for days.

Today, I am struggling at work.  There is someone that I really want to talk to and just walk with, but I can’t and that’s even more frusterating. Yesterday, I ended up getting stuck in Spring Break traffic on the way back from picking up a kid 300 miles away and nearly lost it.  Some may claim I did lose it but I feel like that is all relative and the only witnesses are not the most credible for different reasons.  The non verbal one has plenty of limitations but the other two, can’t share an unbiased opinion not to mention, one is eight years old.  My free time has expired, so this will continue at a later date.

What is the point?

• by admin • In Words •   0

Somehow, I feel, that I am really getting the raw end of the deal here.  As we approach my girlfriend’s seven-year-old son’s birthday in less than 48 hours, I am perplexed with what to do about dealing with each kid crapping themselves daily.  The 2-and-a-half-year-old is one thing but the seven-year-old is a bigger problem.  With little to no disciple, they keep me running continuously if I am home.  I have about 14 call center agents that do that same to me at work and in the end, I am more than done with this exhausting schedule.

Friday, the two-year old’s father is scheduled to fly in at midnight so that he can take her back to WA state to visit.  It is beyond me as to why he chooses to fly in on the seven-year old’s birthday nor can I understand what makes him think that he should stay for 5 entire days when I couldn’t even stay him being in my gfs house for more than a day and now that I have moved in, I am stuck.  Months ago, I made it clear to my brother that he always had a place to stay with me and he has finally accepted that he needed to some stay at my house, which is now someone else’s house that I stay n and primarily pay for but that’s neither here nor there.  When Friday arrives, my brother is expected to give up his bed to the ex-boyfriend that decided to crash the party.

I can only hope that my brother is understanding and does not take it personally.  I had no idea that his bed was spoke to when I offered it to him.  While I was folding clothes, I realized what my biggest problem with him is.  My girlfriend loves to control me by my emotions if she likes to admit it or not.  It’s hard not to fall in love with young children that you take care of so often.  I feel like it’s even harder when their future is uncertain and you are currently providing for them.

Months ago, after a fight, she made it very clear that if I were to leave her, I would never see her kids again.  She is quick to say that I am their mother or try to include me in the family, but the minute you exclude me from their future because of our relationship status, is the minute I no longer feel safe to love them or even respected.

My time had been interrupted but I feel like its completely unfair that I love then, support them, take care of them and their biological fathers are guaranteed to be part of their lives but I am not because I did not create them.  This is the type of double standard that is going to ultimately drive me away.

Terrible feelings after bad decisions

• by admin • In Words •   0

Fighting back tears is the last way that I planned to spend my night. My life had been going so well, how can things come to a crashing halt so quickly. What aspects should I have amended, where did I go wrong? Words circled my head turning my brain into a tornado. The least helpful ideas came to me throughout the day.

My friend called me as I got off of work today. She had ran out of gas while going up a steep hill by our neighborhood. Like any good friend would, I went and got her gas to help out. As I poured the remaining gas into my tank, since she insisted she didn’t need that much, something clicked… For at least a month, I had this picture of some random guy that I had hardly known years ago in my head, as I poured the gas I realized how I knew him. This may be some of the most random combinations of sentences, but it all seemed for relevant.

The last year has seemed like a movie where I was looking in. I don’t know if it is even worth speeding through the first two months but we will for comedic reasons. People need to laugh, after all.

Actually it holds no relevance to my life at all right now, one thing lead to another and I ended up talking to this woman, who I was so scared to ask any questions of. I had an immediate attraction. My friends could see the smile in my eyes when I would mention her name. They laughed at me when they would ask me simple questions that I couldn’t answer. “How old is she?”, “Is she bi or a lesbian?” I just laughed it off when they thought that it was crazy that I had no intentions of asking her any of this. From day one, I knew that I wanted to be around her. She made me laugh, smile, have butterflies in my stomach, and I could care less how old she was or what she said her sexual orientation was..

One friend came out and asked her how old she was, I felt like it was just one more number that people judged people by and I wanted to have no part in that. From the very beginning I had no intentions of judging her at all. This was the first time in longer than I could remember that I wasn’t looking for something wrong with someone. The things that I can find wrong with someone can go on forever, but it’s funny that I can’t think of a one right now. It’s been a too long since I have taken anyone seriously in my life.

Tonight she told me that we can’t see each other anymore. This destroyed my heart more than I expected. The music that I choose to listen to does not help one bit. After she broke the bad news, I did the one thing that I am fairly sure I should not have done. When she told me that we had to turn around and go separate ways, right then, I yelled out that I thought I loved her, and turned and walked away. I never looked back but I had to stop a time or two and I may have even sat down for a minute. I hoped that she had waked away and didn’t look back either. I wouldn’t want her to see me feeling so weak. The inside of my ribs hurt at this point. I keep waiting for her to show up at my house. What fantasy world do I live in?

Edit: Image added 3/2018