What would she think if she could see me right now.. she’d be impressed that I could scream every word to these terrible songs that I have listened to since I owned my first CD…
and I do know.. deep down inside, she would be rooting for me.
but I am still crumbling.
YouTube picked every one of these damn songs – which only proves that I was never cool – only, extremely excited.
I stopped it after that one because it freaked me out. I have seen The Social Network and the way my random poems have changed is really fucking weird. A post with those to come because I have been saving them just because its unbelievable. I guess you notice what is on your mind.
Someday, YouTube will tell me how many times I have listened to these song – it if was a tape, I would have worn it out by now. At this point I am just clicking on my favorite suggestion to the rights for the next song. It is possible to sit here and do nothing else but listen to the toughest music that I could think to listen to. I check my phone more often than I should and tell myself that she is probably a sleep.
Well, you see her when you fall asleep But never to touch and never to keep ‘Cause you loved her too much, and you dived too deep
Passenger
I feel like I am only about two steps from Tailor Swift and I have already seen Sarah McLachlan grace the suggested list as if someone is picking the songs for me. It would be nice if these algorithms would just stop – I have seen The Social Network and its working.
Tonight is the first time I have heard this song in a different light.
I am supposed to work about 12 hours straight tomorrow but I can’t seem to force myself to go to bed.
And suddenly.. after the next song, I want to go to bed, I just hope she visits me in my dreams. I try not to ask much.
I wonder if she knows how much I fear July 27th after I spent to many hears missing her. I was walking on the inside of the square nearing her bakery at the time. I paused in my tracks – suddenly wondered if anyone could see me – felt like I was in a horrible movie and was in disbelief a that. She used words that scared me for her so I just backed of quickly but I just don’t think that I should do that anymore – but what can I even do?
I had just had a used transmission put into my Mazda 5 because my driver’s side drive axle went out. I had to have both front axles replace. That was about 100 miles ago. Less than 20 miles ago, I had one of my struts replaced that I skipped before due to a budget. I am disappointed in The Silver Bullet and miss The Deathsled. I was turning a corner after a stop sign. I was going up hill and took the turn sharper than normal. I really have no idea what happened because it seemed like I hit something big out of no where – and once I got out, I pretty much confirmed that theory. There was a rock retaining wall and it seems that one of the large rocks was somewhat in the road. I should not have turned so sharply but I did not expect that to stop me in my tracks. If you must know – I hit a lot of curbs.
During a recent conversation with my father, I came to realize that I do much better with rear wheel drive cars. For the longest time, I drove a Dodge Stealth and I loved the shit out of that car, until I could no longer keep up with it’s maintenance – not that I ever could but around 2014 or so, my 1991 sports car started to deteriorate fast.
In 2017, when I moved and was in a terrible place, I sold it for $500 – a decision I have regretted since. Today, my sister’s boyfriend sent me this picture of a car he saw that looked just like it – and little did he know, I am quite sure that it is my car. I can tell by the way the clear coat is peeling and I was the one that put those rims on the car. They are police interceptor steal rims. It excites me to just see the pictures and almost makes me want to cry. I have been the most sensitive lately and feeling ever so lonely – but I remind myself that I am much stronger that many people that are much more lonely through out this pandemic and nearly feel guilty for even being sad. I have been battling my ego and thoughts for a few weeks now.
Today has been the longest day in a long time. For some reason, I thought that it would be a little easier after she left, but it wasn’t. When I say that it would be easier, I mean, as I waited, for 2 weeks, for the day that she would leave – I wanted to see her change her mind and stay. It was a count down of when she would be gone and it was terrifying. I thought that maybe that fear would be gone once I knew that she was on her way to start the next chapter of her life, but I missed her terribly all day. She’s probably not even talk way there yet. Around noon, she stopped by to give me a picture that she made for me and then she left.
As I typed those words about the picture, I was looking at it and saw there was this charm and seemed to open and once I opened it, there was a note inside. It made me cry.. the sweetest tears. I am quite sure that I will marry that lady once day. This is the first time in my life that I ever thought that I would even consider marriage. She won’t ever know, but I already went to my company’s website and looked at local listings. I found a few nice once, it seems like there is a huge job market in her area for my work.
I am going to continue my day my going to tell my sister all about everything. She has been a huge supporter through out everything. That reminds me, in less than a week, this website will have been 2 years old. It was started after she told me that we couldn’t talk anymore.
I have been trying so hard – to love her the right way. It isn’t ever easy loving someone that you can’t be with, but it gets even harder when you have to face the reasons why you can’t.
Yesterday I spent a few moments complaining to my best friend from high school, that I was certain her boyfriend is Charlie and I explained how I came to that conclusion. I think her response was something along the lines of, “Jen.. what did you think paying attention would get you?” So I listened and I remembered, I typed some words in youtube and I watched every video that I found on that channel. Well only most of them, and then followed that up by an explanation to her via email. I am so nerdy sometimes.
I just said, “Amy.. I am sure she is dating Charlie… and I am pretty certain that he is the one that won’t even let her be part of my life…” If anyone knows that I have difficulty making real connections with people, its her. She’s been my best friend since about 1997.. around the same time that I met Charlie. I am pretty sure that he was in my computer lit class.. the last year that I had a crush on a boy. It was 7th grade.
When you grow up in the middle of no where going to a conservative ass school… you get to know the people you grow up with. If the guys you live with dont know who I am, its only because they are so full of them selves and stuck up, they have forgotten or something.
She asked, “Does he know that it is you that he is saying that she can’t talk to?” Like I know.. but she was just as shocked. I don’t know why I feel so entitled to be in contact with my friends that mean the most to me… but people just don’t tell me who I can and can’t talk to. A strong woman taught me that years ago.
PS, I didn’t run over the hairy faced guy riding his bike up the street last night around 11 as I was headed to the gas station. I felt like someone should have been proud. It was dark and I honestly didn’t see his face but in my mind — he could have been the offending party.
And for the record.. I would never hurt anyone, not even someone that would purposely hurt me, but at 11 at night I will make jokes to myself in my head about it.
Tomorrow makes one year since you called me your girlfriend as I was taking you home. I will never forget that night.
Today my song didn’t come to when I was driving back to work but when I was coming home from the hospital after visiting my friend, Ronnie… She had to have some random surgery, pretty scary stuff, but when I left.. I was still reminded her by that damn radio.
Last night, around midnight, I got a call from Ronnie. She had already told me that she had to leave work early because she was sick and that she had to get surgery today. When she called me back later, she asked me if I would come stay up there with her.
It was the first time that I had ever slept at a hospital before. As I was driving up there, I was convinced that there was no way that they would let me even go back there to see her. I’ve seen ‘If These Walls Could Talk 2″ and I have felt.. very much in a patriarchy world lately, but much to my surprise, no one batted an eye and everyone was really nice. The chair made into a bed and they gave me a blanket a pillow. She is just a friend that has become important to me.
When you sleep at a hospital, you don’t. When I am woken up every hour for whatever they are doing, it takes me that long to get back to sleep. Around 5 am I decided to get up and go home. She was getting blood work done and I don’t need to see.. blood. My sister dropped off my niece and I slept until I had to put her on the bus at 6:45. My bed has never felt so inviting. It couldn’t have hurt that I had to wash all of my sheets and blankets on account of my dog becoming tragically ill during this lovely week. So after the kid was on the bus, of course I had to sleep just a little longer.
The dream seemed so real so I couldn’t even imagine how it started. When I have a dream that all of my teeth are falling out, it always happens the same way. It’s always a jagged, bloody mess. I can’t say that there is ever any physical pain but always a feeling of panic and embarrassment. This morning in my dream I was wearing some kid of retainer and my teeth were all just so loose. Something happened differently this time. From past dreams, I never remember trying to do something about it, just putting my broken teeth in my pocket or something. Today in my dream, I had called my grandmother to ask her if I could borrow money to go to the dentist. It seems so strange like, what the heck is the dentist going to do but.. it’s what happened. I don’t remember how she responded at all but I remember specifically telling her that I only had $200. From what I know about dentistry, I wasn’t going to get much for that $200.
My alarm had been set, but somehow I had turned it off, maybe just to lay down for one more minute. Something suddenly woke me and work had started 15 minutes ago. More concerned that I had all of my teeth, I went and brushed my teeth and rushed off to work. My hair may have looked like… well awesome. and I was in the clothes that I slept in at the hospital, but I went to work.. and I had all my teeth.
That moment that I realize the song I referenced has nothing to do with my post at all, but was part of my day and I am pretty sure that is completely related. We all know that I have no clue what I am talking about at this point anyway.
Updated: March 2018 – Link to video, image and tags
