Last night I threw an emotional fit, alone – because the Alanis Morisette concert that I have been waiting for since December.

I signed up to get a pre-sale ticket and those went so fast, I thought that I would be able to get a ticket with seats after pre-sale was over but those also went so fast that I ended up buying lawn tickets for $120 each – when the pre-sale lawn tickets that I thought I was too good for sold for $43 each. I was so pissed at myself – and NOW – I won’t even get to go. I didn’t really have the $240 to spare at the time but I did it because I thought that I would finally get to go to a concert with her. Hell, at the time, I thought that we would be living together by now and practically married – but I guess that is what happens when you life in a fantasy world and forget to ground yourself with reality.

Ultimately, I know not to depend on anyone but myself and to never get too excited over anything. When I get good news, I try my hardest not to tell anyone for fear that it will disappear before it ever happens. I grew up knowing that marriage wasn’t for people like me. I knew that my father would never be able to afford a wedding before I even understood that I was gay and once I realized I was not only poor but gay too – I knew there was no chance at ever having a normal, happy life – but it hasn’t kept me from dreaming about it.

In 1999 when I realized that I was only interested in women, there was no hope of legalized gay marriage and I thought that legal marijuana was just something people talked about – like feminism. The concept was great but the world would never stand for any of that. At the time, I didn’t even smoke but my dad did and I knew that it was enough to cause worry for my family. I knew that it made me have to lie to people that I loved if the topic ever came up. It was controversial before my sexuality ever existed.