As I take one day at a time, over and over again, I create mixed tapes in my head to her. I have been singing many of these songs to her long before I even knew who she was.
There was a point in time that I thought every song on this list was ridiculous, I couldn’t understand a few lines here or there. The lines that sound like exaggeration feel all too real now.
Here are the 90s pop songs playing on my radio. A few may drift from that decade and genre but they fit there to me.
This is just a darling way to bounce back from all of those emotions:
This might be the sound track to my life. I remember the moment and action that go with a few of these lines. When I just wanted her to know who I was – I started writing and never stopped.
Let me tell you about middle school dances… life was never pleasant for me but I don’t talk about that.
That’s god with a lowercase g, the concept.
We are going to continue down R&B lane for a moment so forgive me for that. I have been singing the next two songs a lot but I go got the John Michael Montgomery version as it is much easier for me to achieve. Well, I only sing it when I am alone, no one would want to hear all that.
All-4-One was one of my first CDs after Tragic Kingdom and Pieces of You, which I had received as Christmas gifts that year. My older cousin traded me a very scratched up All-4-One CD for who knows what, surely I got ripped off but that is where I first heard these two songs. That same year, a country artist covered them so I would hear the same songs in a country version on the radio with my grandparents – it was a confusing time and I didn’t understand why. (The reason was $$)
I realize that this 90s mix is quite cheesy but who could expect anything else. This is about the sentiment which is lightly scattered all over the place. Without further ado:
Oh how I loved this song as a teenager with no one to directed it to.
There are a few pop songs that I thought were so ridiculous that I couldn’t even listen to them. They fell into the Aqua – Barbie Girl category in my mind. When they grace my 90s station these days, I will admit, I listen to them and my thoughts drift – once again, the odd lyrics suddenly make a little sense. Brace yourself for bubblegum pop.
One more and I will climb out of this rabbit hole.
So I guess if I could say anything to her – it would be all of that. Another song that I have caught myself listening to when it comes on is one that I felt was the most over played song of my life:
I’ll wrap this up and get back to reality. For the next and final song in this series, it will be hard to believe that I had not heard it before a few years ago after she used ‘Round here’ in a very impactful text message. It seems as though it has been around for over 30 years so I may have just over looked it but when it comes on these days – I stop – I listen and I try my hardest to come up with a plan that will work.
Spent 2.5 decades cringing when such songs played only to deeply listen and sing along as if the energy that is expelled will aid her on her tortuous journey.
I am quite convinced that my dream from last month is coming true and I don’t even care if that is slightly crazy one bit.
In other timely information, I started this site 9 years ago.
I left work crying that day.
She had told me that we couldn’t talk anymore for the first time. My world seemed to crumble. When I was at work, I got a call from a sweet older lady with the same name as her. I was in sales at the time and my boss must have been observing that call actively. The next call came in and my boss started trying to chastise me for not making a sales offer to the sweet old lady. It was hard enough to repeatedly say her name. I am quite sure that my next caller was able to hear me starting to softly cry as I was doing everything I could to make it through my day and then my boss was coming down hard on me for not making a sales offer to a sweet old woman that was probably telling me some heart breaking story in which I refused to accost her with an over priced service she doesn’t need – well – after that following call, I had made it to my lunch break, I walked straight up to my boss and told her that I wouldn’t be back after lunch, that I was sick and that I would get a doctor’s note. I am quite sure that my next move was to my primary doctor to get back on anxiety medication, which is usually my go to when I can’t handle life.
At the time, I would have never believed that I would be where I am 9 years later, in many ways, all of which I consider positive. (Somewhat – that is optimistically speaking). Either way, I would have been thrilled to know that she would even remember my name. As of 9 years ago, I was blindsided and expecting the worst and not seeing what was actually going on – that would take many more years or repeating this pattern before I would realize that it was not something I was imaging and my writing here helped that a lot.
The youtube playlist continued, so I will continue with the most nostalgic of music. This was one of the first 2 CDs I owned:
• byShe Says • InUncategorized • Comments Off on I just shouldn’t think anymore tonight ’cause
Today makes 2 years from when – when.. when my world changed and I stopped trusting men completely. A former roommate’s trial is already over. He is spending 60 years in prison but it doesn’t make it any better and it doesn’t help my deep level of fear of people that I thought I once trusted.
It’s still hard to talk about. I see her sons often. One is still in high school, the other is in college and her daughter that saw it all happen and called the police is off in some other state with a father she barely knows – life is fucking hard and when I can’t calm down and I am ready to do whatever it takes there is a deep seeded reason that I can’t even fully talk about 2 years later.
I also ask myself why I looked at that bullet hole in the fence – that story is a really rough one for me.
Something happened last Sunday after I tried to go to this place again. It was quite devastating and it made last week the longest ever. Now I am panicked and afraid on a level that I can not even talk about because I can’t verbalize it nearly for superstitious reasons but I just can’t let certain works leave my being. I am so scared and questioning what the right things is – I am well aware of my limitations but that just keep me at a distance for her.
• byShe Says • InRock • Comments Off on This is my heart bleeding before you
Today, as I picked my patterns apart, I questioned why the holidays are so painful for me. Words echoed in my heart and it started to make sense. My childhood was what most would consider less than ideal. When my aunt was talking me though whatever situation I was dealing with – she would tell me that one day I would have my own family to celebrate Christmas with, I don’t know exactly what she would say but it would give me hope for the future.
Now that I am here, I am terrified that time will pass me by and all I want is my own family.
What would she think if she could see me right now.. she’d be impressed that I could scream every word to these terrible songs that I have listened to since I owned my first CD…
and I do know.. deep down inside, she would be rooting for me.
but I am still crumbling.
YouTube picked every one of these damn songs – which only proves that I was never cool – only, extremely excited.
I stopped it after that one because it freaked me out. I have seen The Social Network and the way my random poems have changed is really fucking weird. A post with those to come because I have been saving them just because its unbelievable. I guess you notice what is on your mind.
I hate when commercials ruin songs, hopefully soon we will forgot about those sad dogs on TV. Damn, I cleaned under my spacebar and now it is hitting weird. Let today mark the day that I broke something trying to clean. I advise against it.
Also – this music, makes me not hungry. Whatever that means.
video link updated June 2023
This song hurt in weird ways. When I reverse a song, it usually digs deep.
Headed back to that time period, quickly. Now a few from one of my first CDs.
Yesterday was one hell of a day. I didn’t even have the energy to write about it. My new primary doctor told me that the medicine that I take that is called buspiron is like xanex but without all the negative side effects. At the time she just moved my mid day dose to at night because I was having issues sleeping after losing my job. I went to her on Jan 9. I scheduled it the day after Maddison’s birthday when she brought that girl over to her house for her birthday. I was scared. This dumb as chick loves to threaten me subtly. She posts pictures on her instagram with a gun on her.
So instead of staying home freaking out, I went to talk to the doctor to get more Xanax. At that time, she said that before I take a Xanax try taking the Buspiron which can be taken up to 3 times a day but I am prescribed 2 already so that’s not much room for freak out. The only reason I am saying any of this is that I have been taking 3 for 2 days, but I forgot to take my medicine at all on Tuesday and Wednesday. I should have noticed on Wednesday when my spacer, that I put in my ear because I am a tool, came out and got stuck in my ear canal while I was at work. It came out and I didn’t die but it was a rough hour.
Somehow I noticed that I hadn’t been taking my medicine, which is usually when I start crying over little things but fast forward to Friday. I started taking calls at work which was fine. It was the “lead” that pissed me the fuck off. That’s the person in charge of the 8 of us. She seems to think I am stupid as fuck but my old counter part at work, Kelli, pointed out that she may be intimidated by me. That lead me to do a little research. I found her on LinkedIn and laughed at her work experience. I found out she graduated high school the same year I was born and has been working in I.T. help desks since 2008. which is the last year that I worked I.T.
I was a few calls in, with absolutely no training and she didn’t like the order I was doing things in. Her approach was awful, offended me and made me realize – she really doesn’t know how to do her job. She knows how to do my job just fine – but her skills transfer skills are lacking. I am a bit critical because this is something that I have been doing repeatedly in my former role since 2014, which is longer than she is even been at this job at all – so once again, I am going to need to put my pride and ego aside and remember my place.
I know that my pride and ego get me in a lot of trouble, which is weird for someone that struggles with self esteem so much. It’s easy to believe my case is different. I spend hours a week reminding myself to calm the fuck down and remember my place. Every time my mind drifts off to somewhere, even slightly romantic or intimate – which i do not mean sexual – and I know that it is completely in appropriate, I have to kick my own ass. It isn’t fun. Can you believe that YouTube would move to to Goo Goo Dolls from 3 Doors Down like that?
Today, I picked my music by playing the song that I woke to my brother playing on the guitar and singing, which was “If I could be like that.” The titled seemed like my theme song for the week. I feel like I am so much more, but I keep getting kicked to the bottom and told to start over again. In 2008, I lost my first long term job and first serious relationship that I deeply cared about.. we all know what that means. That’s when I stopped saying those words. It took forever to convince my self that I could do it again. I started at CLINK in 2010 and it was about 2012 before I enjoyed my job and felt comfortable again. It was mid 2013 before I met someone that I truly cared about.
There was a day that I accidentally told her that – That I finally felt like I had my life back. She must have known what was going to happen next, because she didn’t respond as I expected. She paused. We were walking down… her current street towards my current house – nearly 6 years ago. She looked at me, with this very sad look her eyes. I don’t think she said anything next – but I guess she knew what she had to do.. It seems like so long ago, but I know how my heart felt in that very moment.
I must be incredibly distracted today. On March 2nd, I let my ex borrow $900 because she is a con artist and knows just how to manipulate me. She was going to pay me back on the 7th and then the 8th and then yesterday when I got home from work, the minute I got home she asked if I could watch her kid. I said yes, bring the kid and my money over. Somehow that turned into her not talking to me and saying she was going to pay me back at all. Currently, she owes me about $1500 between that and her phone bill and car insurance. She has already got her own car insurance but she has not paid a dime for her phone bill which is more than $100 a month. She took her 4 year old and left for the night. The baby was sad and wanting to hug me. I wish I would have just watched the kid – she says I went psycho but I don’t even know when. Most people would get pissed if someone was refusing to pay them $900.
At the moment, 2 other friends both owe me $300 each… That is over $2000 that people owe me. I am about to send my brother after those motherfuckers. Anyway, people at work think that I am stupid. People that I help think I am stupid.. and I am sad and mad. The end.
Today, YouTube picked the music – But I guess I listen to these songs a lot.
Yesterday was so bad.. her best friend talked to me all night until I fell asleep – giving me little pieces of information to try to help me stay one step ahead.
It made me sad to know that I grew up to be that person. I grew up watching my dad be the woman on the floor.. My mom met her, she stayed at her house for a few weeks and I tried to figure out what I was going to do with her. My mom said – if you stay with this woman, you will live a miserable life. I should have realized, I was hearing this from an expert.
