Jagged Little Pill

And I’ll be your cryin’ shoulder

• by She Says • In Alternative rock, Folk, Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop •   Comments Off on And I’ll be your cryin’ shoulder

As I take one day at a time, over and over again, I create mixed tapes in my head to her. I have been singing many of these songs to her long before I even knew who she was.

There was a point in time that I thought every song on this list was ridiculous, I couldn’t understand a few lines here or there. The lines that sound like exaggeration feel all too real now.

Here are the 90s pop songs playing on my radio. A few may drift from that decade and genre but they fit there to me.

This is just a darling way to bounce back from all of those emotions:

This might be the sound track to my life. I remember the moment and action that go with a few of these lines. When I just wanted her to know who I was – I started writing and never stopped.

Let me tell you about middle school dances… life was never pleasant for me but I don’t talk about that.

That’s god with a lowercase g, the concept.

We are going to continue down R&B lane for a moment so forgive me for that. I have been singing the next two songs a lot but I go got the John Michael Montgomery version as it is much easier for me to achieve. Well, I only sing it when I am alone, no one would want to hear all that.

All-4-One was one of my first CDs after Tragic Kingdom and Pieces of You, which I had received as Christmas gifts that year. My older cousin traded me a very scratched up All-4-One CD for who knows what, surely I got ripped off but that is where I first heard these two songs. That same year, a country artist covered them so I would hear the same songs in a country version on the radio with my grandparents – it was a confusing time and I didn’t understand why. (The reason was $$)

I realize that this 90s mix is quite cheesy but who could expect anything else. This is about the sentiment which is lightly scattered all over the place. Without further ado:

Oh how I loved this song as a teenager with no one to directed it to.

There are a few pop songs that I thought were so ridiculous that I couldn’t even listen to them. They fell into the Aqua – Barbie Girl category in my mind. When they grace my 90s station these days, I will admit, I listen to them and my thoughts drift – once again, the odd lyrics suddenly make a little sense. Brace yourself for bubblegum pop.

One more and I will climb out of this rabbit hole.

So I guess if I could say anything to her – it would be all of that. Another song that I have caught myself listening to when it comes on is one that I felt was the most over played song of my life:

I’ll wrap this up and get back to reality. For the next and final song in this series, it will be hard to believe that I had not heard it before a few years ago after she used ‘Round here’ in a very impactful text message. It seems as though it has been around for over 30 years so I may have just over looked it but when it comes on these days – I stop – I listen and I try my hardest to come up with a plan that will work.

I dress my face in stone

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Music, Rock •   0

Last week, I worked from home the whole week because someone’s wife had covid. Today, I was one of the lucky ones that got to go back into the office because I wasn’t actually present for whatever meeting they were all ‘exposed’ in. Luckily for me, I have only been working in the office for half of the day and only about 2 of those are hours with other employees. It limits my exposure to all but about 3 people. It also leaves me with very little human interaction, which I usually do not mind at all but after the last few weeks I have had, I just don’t even know what to do to distract myself anymore.

It’s a stark reminder of why I can’t handle being in love. I need someone to talk to but I do not want to talk to anyone but her. Last night I kind of opened up to a random friend that knows a little because I had to explain to her what I meant when I told her that I was in love with someone. This friend happens to be someone that used to like me when we worked together before. She was a teenager so my first reason was that but later I explained to her that despite her age, I was still not interested because of my emotional involvement – it was a common thing to explain to women that thought I was making it all up but I kept it short and sweet and when they realized I was insane – they just left me alone anyway. Well, since she has been hearing about this for several years by now – since it seems faker then longer i said it to people – she was sweet about it. Reminded me that it was probably just as hard in her too and that if she wasn’t reading my messages there was most likely a good reason and the good reason certainly wasn’t that she hated me. I don’t know why it helps when people help me destroy irrational fears, but it does. So I have spent the day trying to remind myself to act my damn age and remember what was important. I still cried way too much but I think I did better. I really have no idea, I actually want to kick my own ass.

I stopped taking all of my mental health medication during covid because it didn’t seem like I needed it anymore. I never had anxiety attacks when I didn’t leave my house. Eventually I quit going to the doctor all together because I got a call from my counselor person saying that she took another job so someone else would be contacting me for my next appointment but then I decided that if she could quit, so could I and since my emotional outbursts were down like we have wanted to do, it seemed successful and I thought I was done. I can’t even remember which came first but here I am, in a new house, completely alone and I haven’t taken any of my medicine in months and I don’t even remember my last psych appointment but he was terrible at phone appointments anyway. In person he could ramble on and on and teach me things about myself that I didn’t know but once it was over the phone, he just asked a few basic questions and took my non answers and refilled the prescription. No one even called me to make that next appointment, A lot of people that go there really need it more than I do, so I can’t imagine what it would have been like if I was worse off – but all that to say is that I guess I am worse off.

I smoke and I drink
And every time I blink
I have a tiny dream

But as bad as I am
I’m proud of the fact
That I’m worse than I seem

I guess I need to ask the lady if I am not as bad as I think…

Right now I feel pretty fucked up. After my friend reminded me that is probably just as hard on her that is on me – I have just wanted to protect her from me.

I am going to go take my medicine now – but I am going to continue to listen to songs that tear me to pieces.

But oh baby, maybe someday
Maybe somehow.

When my conservative aunt found out that I was a lesbian, she cried and the apologized. She said that she didn’t care that I was gay but that my life was already so hard, it just hurt her to know that it was only going to get harder.

At the time, I brushed it aside thinking that was just a nice thing to say – but the more social situations that I fail at, the more I think about her words and what she meant.

She wasn’t saying it because so many people hate gay people like I thought.

She was saying that she saw the sea of heart break coming my way.

I used to fight back.

I don’t even want to anymore. Now I just want to hang my head in shame and wonder why I ever thought love was possible. I am all over the place and all alone. Hungry and can’t it. Isn’t it Ironic… I don’t think.

Last thing, of all the songs at the concert that I knew would make me cry, this next one was not one that I had ever paid attention to before that night and well, its been haunting me since.

https://youtu.be/1veYTsVMsI0

And that is why I just want to cry and apologize for being such a damn lesbian all the time.

It’s a long way down

• by admin • In Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop •   Comments Off on It’s a long way down

Today – I have felt completely predictable. Upon my own behalf and from hers as well. Last night we ended up in a conversation where she told me that she didn’t work at her same job anymore due to the virus shit. That’s about all I feel comfortable calling it these days. I was in my kitchen when I read the message and I felt my heart sink. I don’t know why it scares me that she lives and works with him – it just makes me feel like I will never get to see her again and that is the realest fear in my heart.

I know that she loves and and I usually know that she wants me too. My insecurity game runs hard and when he is involved, I practically just admit defeat because I never want to cause her trouble and I never really understand but I do understand that it tears at my heart no matter how hard I try to control it.

My pills only do so much good. Busying myself only helps for so long. Sending her what I would consider to be intimate messages will just have to do. I will continue to pour out my heart and continue if my words are welcome. My master plan seems to be full of holes but all that matters is that she has what she wants and I can’t even say that I am sure of that.

You stated your case time and again

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Astrology, Folk, Grammy Nominee, Hard Rock, Music, Pop, Post-Grunge •   Comments Off on You stated your case time and again

Today, has been one of those days.  A co-worker was out, so I was left juggling nearly 30 all center agents that all think they are the center of the universe.  Really its probably only a quarter of them but it seems like a lot.  I have been pissing people off left and right.  After a long day of making my agents mad because they expect too much from me and getting yelled at and threaten by customers, I come home and have to deal with the two closest people telling me how much I don’t do for them.  I offered to watch my sisters children during pride weekend and somehow ruined it and misunderstood when my brother wanted  a ride to Subway so somehow I have ruined his night and he is going to starve.  I didn’t respond appropriately, not that I even know what that would be.  I cried some and then listened to the following songs.  It started with a song that made me think about her the other day while I was in the grocery store. It reminded me of my blind and most likely stupid faith.  The rest of the songs came on following it on YouTube. I would be lying if I said that it didn’t hurt when she said, “I don’t need you anymore and I don’t want you.”  I suppose that would shock most anyone.  Just give it time and I will find a way to fuck it up.  I am pretty sure, I have always wished that someone thought about me when they heard this song..

For fun I decided to look up my horoscope today, because why not. I can’t feel like everyone hates me without blaming the universe or something, can I.

Since I am no longer a teenager, I was not sure where one would get a horoscope, so I just googled it and selected the Chicago’s news paper, because seems to be a legitment source:

Relations with others might be strained or aloof today. People are not sure which action to take or which direction to go. You probably feel the same way. Therefore, be ginger about whatever you do. Go gently. Avoid important decisions and avoid spending money on anything other than food or gas.