J | or Maybe Too Soon

I have been doing a awful job at controlling my emotions today. Just now, I got in a fight with Jeremy, deleted his number and blocked him on facebook per his request. He has been asking me to come help him clean out his garage since I lost my job. I don’t think he understands that I am usually either sleeping, talking my brother off a ledge, taking care of kids, or applying for jobs. Today, will be the first day that I do something that I want to do and I am completely nervous, because I know that I should be completely mortified. As I wrote it, I didn’t think anyone would take time to care to look. I know that in my darkest moments, I begged for her attention, and its not something I am proud of.

So – Jeremy wanted me to come over to help him move things out of his garage. I am not his only friend, mind you. While I was up from taking the 4 year old to school, I texted him asking if 10 AM was good. I set an alarm and when it went off, he hadn’t replied so I went back to sleep. He sent a message that said how about 11:30 that I read at 11:30, I replied telling him I was going to take a shower and then come by. I called him because he didn’t reply. He had called our mutual friend looking for me, which is creepy too because she lives in Kyle and I rarely see her – but she told him that I had plans to go to lunch later so somehow that made him think I was calling him to blow him off. My plans weren’t for another hour and a half and he wanted me to help him move a few couches, so I can’t imagine how they are related in the least.

When I called him, he interrupted what I was saying and says in his diva tone, “Hana told me that you made other plans to go eat, Matt is here, don’t worry about it.” Since I had been trying to contact him about coming over to help all day, I was extremely offended, so I said, “No I don’t have lunch plans, I was calling to come over and help you but fuck it.” and hung up on him. Apparently he didn’t like that very much because he texted me and told me to lose his number because he didn’t deserve that treatment. Now – that is debatable. This is a guy that fights over my time more than any man has before. We fought a week or two ago because I hurt his feelings by not hanging out enough. I explained to him that he is the only person’s house I go to at all. The last thing I need is more controlling people in my life.

I read an interesting article today, unrelated to direct subjects, the reference and reaction of her ‘feminist husband’ is refreshing.

I Waited Until My Wedding Night To Lose My Virginity And I Wish I

I try to be as open with her as possible. Actually, I pretty much tell her everything that I can. Still trying to figure out what I think about him. Why I even think about him. I suppose it’s because I am constantly reminded of him in her moments of extended silence.

Today I wrote her a deep email. I told her about a recent, shocking dream, even though I couldn’t even get my description written out. I mentioned December 17th to her. Now I realize that remembering specific dates probably isn’t normal. It’s a feared date or whatever ya call it. Not a happy one. It is the day I realized what the internet could do. It won. I lost.

I also liked this article:

10 Ways Introverts Interact Differently With The World

I’d hang out with both of them, if that’s what it took. I would be as open-minded as possible hoping that he would be as sensitive as possible. I have no reason to think that he wouldn’t. I still hate his friends though.