Incubus

The world’s a roller coaster

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Grammy Nominee, Music, Rock •   Comments Off on The world’s a roller coaster

Last night, I decided to complain about the supposed delivery time for my pizza to her. I had been smoking for hours with my 21 year old neighbor – basically I am a terrible influence. Then I proceeded to relentlessly flirt with that woman that I love, if anyone could ever perceive it as such.

I made an off handed remark about Stoner Pie and she asked if that is really what I had ordered – which it was. I was trying to introduce the neighbor to french fries on a pizza and then I mentioned that I also liked the jalapeno popper pizza – even though actual jalapeno poppers are usually too spicy for me. In this book that is my life, I was alluding to that time I went to the sandwich shop, dude was there and took my order. He is always pleasant with me because he is or at least was a but clueless – but there I was freaking the fuck out on the inside completely conflicted by my core values – but I knew what I had to do and I was fake as fuck, for her sake.

I had still felt bad and completely guilty, though that has been fading the more than she opens up to me, though I don’t know a thing about what goes on with them, which is fine with me because I couldn’t handle it anyway and she probably knows it. Basically, I over tipped him because I am awkward as fuck and I don’t know what the etiquette is when confronting enemies at the counter. So – I threw my money at him. What better way to say fuck you then handing someone a ten just because you can. I really have no idea what I tipped him but I am an asshole that always felt a but superior walking up in there, usually dressed for work, ordering food from him – but that really just makes me a jerk and it was really just over compensating for the inferiority that I actually felt because I knew damn well that he had what I wanted and there was nothing that I was going to do about it. At this point in time, she had just left the state but I didn’t seem to think I had a chance for what ever reason because 4 years ago today – I made a huge mistake by hanging out with Maddison, which is still negativly affecting my life – but I have her kids and especially the little one that still does not understand – and I just can’t abandon her and it is the most complicated.

Thankfully my love still talks to me and I like to believe that she understands because she too might have ended up in a situation that she just doesn’t know how to get of out – but that is my wild lesbian opinion and I try to remind myself of that. I used to be so extreme that I stopped trusting my own opinion. I am not stupid, just opinionated. As I was all the other extremists in any direction, I see the need for waiver. There is no need to be extreme in any direction, which is why I have been trying to step back since the day I realized it. It was somewhere around a fishing trip she had. Probably a day that pushed her away – as it should, but at the time – I was afraid to be close to anyone – so maybe it was subconscious on my side as well.

My lunch break is ending and I am rambling so I will connect the dots before leaving. When I saw the date, I realized that it had been 4 years to the date since he had given my friends and I free jalapeno poppers – because after I over tipped, she over tipped and then I had to explain myself to her. Here is the entries from that time period. I just surprise myself when that kind of thing happens – I am slightly amazed with myself when I fact check and I am correct about an event. Then I go and tell her and remind myself how insane I sound – and somehow she trusts me and talks to me anyway. That is a level of support I have never known. I am fortunate to know such a little human.

Wish You Were Here

• by admin • In Rock •   0

Something, things are just too real to write about – so I just haven’t. Friday was my mother’s father’s birthday and she had plenty to say. Something has made me start recording my phone calls – mainly to protect myself – and by doing so, I captured a very heart-felt conversation from my mother that made me cry. I don’t know what to think about her leaving me as a baby but I can say that I feel like I am over it. She had horrible things to say about her parents, but then again, they did abandon her and her children. I am sure she has a lot of regrets about life but I didn’t really know what to say.

Then I have been fighting with Maddison constantly. I have been in a fit of rage all weekend. Just typing that makes me thing – yeah.. you should probably take your medicine and calm down… but I just won’t. When I feel like this, I feel like my medicine is a punishment and or an admittance to weakness or an issue. I know that no one likes me when I am mad.. so I keep to myself and it just gets worse.

Something about listening to my recorded concerts makes me feel better. Don’t get me wrong, I feel like a tool when I am one of hundreds recording a concert – but I do put my phone away and ask friends to record once in a while – but it is hard to trust them to do a good job.. but unlike those other tools… I do a lot with my recordings. They help my practice my video editing, which I vowed to improve upon stumbling upon that one YouTube video so long ago.. and I have. I don’t use Final Cut but I think Filmora gets the job done. I would learn premier because I know it is a standard but I never have a computer that powerful so I settle..

I panic so much when too much of my money is out and being borrowed. I have been a mess and very vocal about it with maddison. She hates me right now and I could care less. For some reason I don’t even want to talk about anything directly – mainly because I don’t want to think about it. I hope that she moves soon.

She has spent hundreds on piercings and tattoos and still asks me for money. I try to say no but there is always some long drawn out sob story and she knows just how to get to me.

Today, I put my concert playlist on shuffle, and this song came up and since it couldn’t be more true… I used it. I went to the next video and it was a good one too.

But I did it anyway

• by admin • In Music, Rock •   0

I love letting my mind wander and escaping reality for a moment.  Today, I couldn’t help but revisit old conversations and feelings that I have never forgotten.

Really, I know better – I should calm the hell down – but there’s just something about clichés.  It’s not like she doesn’t know that I have been hoping to hear from her for a while.  It’s too bad that she has to find out my world is crashing down around me – one pillar at a time.

My brother has been the most difficult to deal with.  In the depths of my thoughts, I realized that her friend may have mentioned my brother’s posts to her – if she knew that she cared and would want to know.  It’s been intense – more than I could imagine dealing with.  My dad doesn’t know what to do.  My aunt has tried to talk to him.  I just try to be available to talk to him but he doesn’t even think that I care anymore.  He was staying with my dad after he came back right before hurricane Harvey.  He has stayed with me in Kyle but he fought with Maddison and the first night that we met Sarah, her new chick, she came to our house to work on our cars.  My brother mad some sexist comment about her and Maddison has probably been into her since day one because she kicked him out that night, we went to a hotel.  I wouldn’t let him go alone.  I am sure that was the beginning of the end.  Well – the start really was but who knows.  It was all terrible and for some reason, i thought it would be a good idea.

Well when he left Kyle, he went to my dad’s house but they started to fight.  We moved here in April when I left Jeremy’s and he has been here since.  He has his good days and his bad days.  His dog drank beer as he was going through this shit with a girl that has him completely fucked up.  He tells me in detail about how she took advantage of him while he was sleeping, which he didn’t even really care about and then he just told me recently that she said, “Why are you here?” to him after that like she wasn’t expecting it to be him.  I would see where all that could be terrible and then she told all of Port A that he took advantage of her – so that’s the short of it, but now he sits in his room – which doesn’t have any widows – does some drugs and gets extremely depressed about it and lately he has taken to facebook in trying to scare everyone that he knows it seems.

Dealing with Maddison’s drama is difficult just because she is completely manipulative and finds ways to make me care anytime that I don’t.

Getting laid off came as a complete shock – I don’t think that anyone saw it coming.  The good thing is that I have plenty of money and if I get this job coming up in March, then I will be able to save plenty of it or use it for something important – like sweeping a lady off her feet or whatever happen in tragic comedy fairy tales.  When people my age talk about fantasies – I don’t think they usually want to be prince charming.. but I kinda think I do.   Maybe I watched too much Disney but right now, I feel like I have reacted incorrectly to all of me instincts and when I say that I regret decisions that I have made, I don’t only mean that I regret dating someone when I was not actually into them, I mean – I regret backing off every time that I did because I thought that it was the right thing to do.  There are many days, I don’t think it was the right thing to do.

Don’t judge the music selection in this out pouring of my heart – it was courtesy of 99.5 while I was in the car.