Today when I accidently googled 512, I came across this song.
I felt like I needed a little Lamb of God on my site. I couldn’t tell you what the hell they are saying but I am sure it’s good.
When I was younger, I used to go to every Kittie show possible. I must have seen them 10 to 20 times. I ran a website called KittieIzGod.com based off the name of their first demo tape. It was called Sex Iz Hell. I realize that doesn’t really translate but I was like 15 years old.
There used to be a good Sweeny Todd version of Somewhat Damaged on YouTube but I couldn’t find it today. This will have to do.
doday, 101 X reminded me that Johnny Cash could put Trent Reznor in his place any day. This is only a compliment, I love Nine Inch Nails and I have a lot of respect for it all, when I was in high school, I didn’t understand and I was offended that a country singer would attempt a Nine Inch Nails song. A decade later, I hear it on the radio and it says something new that I have never heard before. I never thought that I would be the liar.
I must just be emotional today because the next song was Oasis’s Champagne Supernova which is another song that I have hear thousands of times, but it also seemed to send a message. Every day I feel like I learn something new about emotions. I wonder if I will ever understand.
Back in high school, I wasn’t really aware that Johnny Cash was a bad ass. I grew up in the country and despised much of the culture. It didn’t help that society had perpetuated that.
The thing about keeping great records, digital ones at that, is that it is easy to cross reference them when needed. Today marks 2 years since a difficult day in my life. That day happens to be the day that I started this site, as a way to deal with the situation. It looks like it was the next day or so that I was at work, ended up talking to someone that made me a little sad on the phone.. then my boss jumped down my throat and made me cry on a call.. That will be 2 years ago Monday. In my opinion, I handled it very well. That call was one call before my lunch, I remember it quite well. The call after that is the one that I actually started to cry during, barely, but everything had just been building up. I logged out when it was time to go to lunch, I walked right up to my boss and told her that I was going to the doctor and that I would be back the next day.
In the past, I had been on anxiety medicine, and at some time around when my middle niece was born, about 3 and a half years ago, I had stopped taking it. With everything that had transpired and how much I was reacting to everything around me, I knew that it was something that I needed in my life. In retrospect, this site serves as a record of my progress in the last 2 years. Since then, I have been promoted at work. I on my 8th training class and somehow I have gained the trust and understanding of the woman that I have fallen in love with. I feel that way anyway. It’s a huge deal to me because I tend to keep everyone in my life at a safe distance, but something tells me that she is different.. and I enjoy every minute of it.
When I was coming home from my friend’s house tonight, I drove by her old house for the first time since she had left. I just kind of turned when I really didn’t have to. My heart felt a little lighter when I saw his car in the drive way. I’m uncertain why I can’t bring myself to just ask her a few things. My imagination had been playing with combinations and statistical realities.. Most people that know me, know that I would wait 2 more years for her without thinking twice.. and hate it – I’m not sure why. Those act like I am selling myself short and that no one should wait for anyone.. Then the other reactions that I get are more sincere in my eyes, I can’t tell you how much I like it when someone reacts the opposite and confirms that it’s incredibly romantic. There’s a handful of close friends that know just how I feel. They see my face when I talk to her. My attempt to smile as she leaves. It’s nice when someone actually understands you. It seems to be so rare lately.
While stumbling around the YouTube.. I found this gem:
Today when I was driving to get my hair cut, this song came on the radio. The first verse cut deep. It was one of those situations where I heard these words from someone else.. to that other someone else. It kinda made me mad to be honest. I never say anything, because – I only want her to be happy..
But if she thinks that I didn’t notice the change in where she wears her rings, I have to say, that I pay more attention than that..
The last part of the song, after it slows down, always makes me of think of something else, related, coincidentally.. like when I say most mean things out of passion.. It’s a bit rough to find yourself in some situations. The last line – feels like a dagger.. if anyone likes to know about things like that.
I notice other things, but have more patience than most people.
As I couldn’t shake the first verse and then the last few words, I wondered where the song changes.. What’s up with the genders and why does it fit perfectly to me? It probably shouldn’t work out that way…
The Lyrics that I had to go back and read to prove to myself that I wasn’t hearing things.. Rumor Has It
As I drove to the hair salon, for the first time – these lyrics had be staring into space…
She, she ain’t real, She ain’t gonna be able to love you like I will, She is a stranger, You and I have history, Or don’t you remember? Sure, she’s got it all, But, baby, is that really what you want?
Bless your soul, you’ve got your head in the clouds, You made a fool out of you, And, boy, she’s bringing you down, She made your heart melt, But you’re cold to the core, Now rumour has it she ain’t got your love anymore
I was a bit caught off guard on how person I took the words. Then as I pulled into my parking spot and started to turn off the car, it ended with:
But rumour has it he’s the one I’m leaving you for.
It must have been the trans that I was in, but I was stuck with a… “Hey wait a minute….. type feeling.” I may never understand what that song just did, but it seemed to really get my attention.
I went up to Austin to busy myself. Went to Central Market to meet Jenn for lunch. She wanted to know how things were going with us. The last she heard I was gushing about how great things were and how I thought things were going to be different this time. She had always seen something in us, ever since she met us at the party. It’s always nice to have people that encourage something that turned out to be so controversial.
While I was at Central Market, I stumbled into the isle that had all things that smell good. There may have been 2 or 4 isles. It got pretty over whelming. I knew exactly what I was looking for and had no idea all at the same time. Would you have found it endearing? This is something that I asked myself as I continued to search for the smell that I knew would bring me some peace. Why do I have to admit to being so weird? Why am I so open about all of this? No one would imagine how closed and scared that I tend to be. Okay, maybe someone would notice how scared I get. Back to my venture to determine, “What is that fragrance that I associate with her?” I never found it. After I developed a head ache from smelling every essential oil and natural bar of soap, I wondered off to the bathroom to go before I drove home. In my moment of weakness, I sent one of those shameless texts… Never expecting an answer, but thinking about how nice it would be if it was just that easy. Smells are powerful.. All that psychology and stuff. Since I have nothing left to lose but dignity (ha who am i kidding?) my bracelet still has that smell to it slightly. These are things that I am far too tough to think about ever, but I suppose you make me secure in my femininity, if it can even be called that.
After that I stopped at Goodwill on Lamar and bought this pretty cool camera thing for a bike. It has a fisheye lens on it and a strap. Once I got home, Lauren and her new girlfriend came over. Honestly, it reminded me of when we used to hang out with her and Rachel. Today no matter what I did to distract myself, I was left — with my mind somewhere else. I was determined to come back and write about something happy.
This post was an attempt of — something — but I am pretty sure I was all over the place with my tense and did a horrible job at expressing myself.
Today I spent a few moments in immature thinking land. While visiting I thought things like:
..Well I guess I didn’t buy the right car after all. (haha WTF is wrong with me)
..Damn Nine Inch Nails coming to concert and messing my whole life up. (Really?)
and the exceptional gem:
..I must have pissed the wrong guy off in high school. (Probably but I don’t think it lead to this)
There are equally absurd and I know that in my heart that she wouldn’t stop talking to me over a car. If it was about the Nine Inch Nails concert comments, then it was just the final straw, it wasn’t my first jealous outburst. As far as the guy part.. who knows, he may have been like “fuck that bitch,” I can’t say that I have ever been very popular with men. Especially in high school.. that was a really rough time for me and at least some of the people that live with her did not make that any better. In all reality, that would be just as crazy as the other two options but these are things that go through my head along with way too many other things.
Today I thought about the Saturday that she went to a party in San Antonio and how she said, “Oh I just assumed that you would go with me,” but I had to work. That was in person later followed by a text saying that her friends would’t let her stay home.. that day circled in my head for a while today.. I always came back to the same question, “What would have happened if I would have skipped work to go?”
I was just always waiting to go somewhere or do something with her but every time that I thought ‘this’ would be the time, something would change. It’s hard not to think that I was doing something wrong, but she was convincing the last night we were able to talk. She left me believing that it was never due to a lack of caring.. which means more than I can explain.
Updated: March 2018, Image, tags, embedded video link
As I walked back to my bedroom from the kitchen, the pumpkin caught my eye. We bought pumpkins to carve back in October when we were having a good moment. She had to go out of state and there they sat waiting to be carved. The one I bought was bigger, something happened to it and it started to rot around Christmas. I haven’t really gone near it in a while, but there’s a pumpkin sitting in there. Interestingly enough, now that I write about it, I am reminded of a pumpkin that I had in Kyle under similar circumstances. It would probably even appear in the background of photos I had taken at the time. There are too many similarities between the two ladies who have caught my attention, right now to the way they disappeared so gracefully from my life after making it such a wonderful place.
Fighting back tears is the last way that I planned to spend my night. My life had been going so well, how can things come to a crashing halt so quickly. What aspects should I have amended, where did I go wrong? Words circled my head turning my brain into a tornado. The least helpful ideas came to me throughout the day.
My friend called me as I got off of work today. She had ran out of gas while going up a steep hill by our neighborhood. Like any good friend would, I went and got her gas to help out. As I poured the remaining gas into my tank, since she insisted she didn’t need that much, something clicked… For at least a month, I had this picture of some random guy that I had hardly known years ago in my head, as I poured the gas I realized how I knew him. This may be some of the most random combinations of sentences, but it all seemed for relevant.
The last year has seemed like a movie where I was looking in. I don’t know if it is even worth speeding through the first two months but we will for comedic reasons. People need to laugh, after all.
Actually it holds no relevance to my life at all right now, one thing lead to another and I ended up talking to this woman, who I was so scared to ask any questions of. I had an immediate attraction. My friends could see the smile in my eyes when I would mention her name. They laughed at me when they would ask me simple questions that I couldn’t answer. “How old is she?”, “Is she bi or a lesbian?” I just laughed it off when they thought that it was crazy that I had no intentions of asking her any of this. From day one, I knew that I wanted to be around her. She made me laugh, smile, have butterflies in my stomach, and I could care less how old she was or what she said her sexual orientation was..
One friend came out and asked her how old she was, I felt like it was just one more number that people judged people by and I wanted to have no part in that. From the very beginning I had no intentions of judging her at all. This was the first time in longer than I could remember that I wasn’t looking for something wrong with someone. The things that I can find wrong with someone can go on forever, but it’s funny that I can’t think of a one right now. It’s been a too long since I have taken anyone seriously in my life.
Tonight she told me that we can’t see each other anymore. This destroyed my heart more than I expected. The music that I choose to listen to does not help one bit. After she broke the bad news, I did the one thing that I am fairly sure I should not have done. When she told me that we had to turn around and go separate ways, right then, I yelled out that I thought I loved her, and turned and walked away. I never looked back but I had to stop a time or two and I may have even sat down for a minute. I hoped that she had waked away and didn’t look back either. I wouldn’t want her to see me feeling so weak. The inside of my ribs hurt at this point. I keep waiting for her to show up at my house. What fantasy world do I live in?
