It’s been really hard to write anything for the last year or so. It’s been far too imtemidating and quite honestly it is hard not to be fearful of everything that surrounds you at times.
On the first of this month, she surprised me by asking if I was okay. I had been feeling sick and probably was whining to her over messenger but I never expect that she will read it.
Despite monitoring my traffic heavily, I just can’t bring myself to express myself the way I once could – possibly a symbol of growth, but either way, my heart is content and I am searching for ways to untangle this mess.
Refreshing not to see That I don’t have to pretend She doesn’t expect it from me
Today, I couldn’t shake this album that my love would describe in a painstaking way but somehow Mirrorball has been one of those albums I have fallen back on all of my lesbian career. I remember driving up I35 near Oklahoma listening to this song on my first ridiculous journey. She’s a he now and its just interesting to think about – but those roads taught me this album. It wasn’t until this decade that the words really meant something to me.
This was over played and it ruined it in ways, but it does still touch my heart
I never understood the actual meaning of this song but lines of it touch me deeply
I have been holding back this art that I made from this song because I feel like I am too intense, but she has told me not to hold back but I am still ridiculously nervous and embarrassed by my extreme feelings.
It’s strange to me that my grandparents and great grand parents were getting married in their teens and staying married forever and I can’t even convince someone that I… well, I will be 40 before I know it. Why do I even feel this way.
And the best part, is after that emotional journey that this album takes me on, I am left wanting to watch “Better than Chocolate”
Damn, tonight I am on a roll for wussing out. It started when I thought that I was going to write about “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Fergie tonight but that switched gears when I got on a Mirror Ballroom kick about 10:30 tonight. By 11:00 I was messaging and asking her to come over (rhetorically – cam someone ever come over rhetorically? I may be altered) So I hypothetically ask her to come over – as in there’s no way in hell that I think there is a hundredth of a chance that she would, but for whatever reason, I think it’s fun to talk about.
Then when I got home to my silent house, I pulled up YouTube and one of my favorite videos were up on the front page which was Sarah McLachlan and Melissa Etheridge – so I clicked it. That is where the Mirror Ballroom spiral started.
There was a period of time that I was driving up to Southern Oklahoma and back. At that time, one of the albums in my car was Mirror Ballroom. I loved listening to a mix of Sarah Mclachlan, Ani DiFranco and Melissa Etheridge and I suppose that is resurfacing.
And then I tell her?! Maybe I should start writing a book on things that no one should ever do. I am quite sure that I am at least a few chapters in already. Tonight, I learn the value in my brother’s constant talking and interruption. I never have the time to drift down any rabbit holes.
As I sit here wondering which song I should listen to first, thinking about how I should take a shower so that I can breathe normally and contemplating the desire for my brother’s company. He hasn’t seen me yet and he doesn’t know. It’s almost guaranteed that he will say something insensitive and just piss me off anyway, but the distraction of his constant talking will help me avoid my constant thinking. He is right, we are good for each other.
Its my fault that I feel like this right now, she tried to give me one more peaceful day, because she just might know that practically freak out like the guy that leaves the lights on..
The first time that I watched that video, I emailed her about it. Why am I such a weirdo? When I cry over her, it always feels a little more real.. well, I don’t cry over things that aren’t real.. The way that I breathe out slowly and my chest shakes a little.. it always reminds me of the way that I feel about her, maybe there is a sense of trying so hard to understand the positive.
My dog has started to whine for this cold taco that probably sucks ass at this point. I feel like I ordered it over an hour an a half ago. back in the past.. ast.. ast.. ast..
There I was, sitting at Torchy’s Taco’s. They were particularly busy on this spring break night. She replied to my casual text telling me there was something that she needed to tell me and asked if I wanted to go for a walk tomorrow.
Once we confirmed that one of my least tragic, worst fears were coming true, I tried to remain calm and not be bothered by such shocking news. Since I have been crying for over an hour, slowly and quietly, I do not think that I am doing the best job at that.
My brother has since walked in the room and has started playing the bass behind me. Like with everything, I will trust that this is for the best and then go forward the best that I can. Does she know how much this is crushing me. Is she moving back there with him? This hurts worse than I thought it would.
When I was younger and devastated, I would listen to Sarah Mclachlan.
