good enough

Oh, into the sea of waking dreams

• by She Says • In Dreams, Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop •   Comments Off on Oh, into the sea of waking dreams

I follow without pride
Because nothing stands between us here

Dream Notes

  • ipad left at my house, opened to gmail
  • top email was unread message from her sister, I knew that I could not read it
  • made sure not to read other subjects in email
  • subject to sister’s email was something like it’s meeeeeee
  • she had a piano recital the next day
  • tubing the river on one large tube balancing each other
  • old fridge
  • hookah on top of fridge
  • discussion with person in house if I was staying as we left saying I wouldn’t want to sleep downstairs
  • house was old, many rooms, white, co-op style
  • somewhere near waco
  • came by my house before leaving
  • had to call him before we left on video call, he didn’t answer which made her nervous
  • she said something important right before I woke up
  • stared into each others eyes communicating without words

In my dream, at one point we were tubing down the river on one tube. you were sitting up on the side somehow and I was hanging on to the edge as we were talking. I only remember one thing that was said but it was pretty specific.

Hookah

To see or smoke a hookah in your dream represents ease and relaxation. Alternatively, it refers to the difficulties your are facing in your waking life. You may be bottling up your emotions.

IPad

To see an iPad in your dream represents modern life and your connections with others. It also suggests that you want to put something on display. Consider the significance of what you are doing on the iPad and how that parallels an aspect of your waking life. Alternatively, seeing an iPad in your dream may be a pun on “your home” or “your place”.

River

To see a clear and calm river in your dream indicates that you are just going with the flow. You are allowing your life to float away. It is time to take a more decisive role in directing your life. Alternatively, a river symbolizes joyful pleasures, peace, prosperity and fertility. It is also reflective of a new stage in your life. If the river is muddy, then it indicates that you are in turmoil.

Alternatively, this dream means you are ready to confront life’s challenges and life’s twists and turns.

Tubing

To dream that you are tubing suggests that you are on experiencing emotional ups and downs.

Refrigerator

To see or open a refrigerator in your dream represents your chilling personality and/or cold emotions. The dream may also be telling you that you need to put some goal, plan, or situation on hold. Alternatively, a refrigerator signifies that you have accomplished what you have been subconsciously seeking.

To dream that the refrigerator has broken down suggests that you need to warm up to somebody or some situation. It is time to let go of those harsh, cold feelings.

If you dream of a very full refrigerator, then it symbolizes your untapped resources.

Piano

To dream that you are playing a piano indicates a quest for harmony in your life. Consider where the piano is placed as a clue as to what aspect of your life needs accordance. If no sound is coming out of the piano, then it implies a lack of confidence. You are not sure about how to express yourself and how to voice your beliefs.

To dream that you hear the sound of a piano suggests harmony in your life. You are pleased with the way your life is going.

To dream that the piano needs to be tuned indicates some aspect of your life is in discord. You need to devote more time to a relationship, family duties, project, or other situation.

North

To dream of the direction north symbolizes reality. It also indicates that you are making progress and moving forward in life.

The door is open, come on outside

• by admin • In Grammy Nominee, Heartland rock, Music, Rock, Soft Rock •   0

I haven’t been able to sleep well lately.

It’s painful being a little lesbian. It is amplified when I start worrying about his feelings and needs. It’s then that I get embarrassed – not that I am a complete asshole – because I concern myself with his well-being too. Quite frankly it pissing me off in a weird way – like why can’t I just hate him? It’s weird.

No starving dogs here, just good music.

It’s no good to go alone

• by admin • In Grammy Nominee, Music •   0

Refreshing not to see
That I don’t have to pretend
She doesn’t expect it from me

Today, I couldn’t shake this album that my love would describe in a painstaking way but somehow Mirrorball has been one of those albums I have fallen back on all of my lesbian career. I remember driving up I35 near Oklahoma listening to this song on my first ridiculous journey. She’s a he now and its just interesting to think about – but those roads taught me this album. It wasn’t until this decade that the words really meant something to me.

This was over played and it ruined it in ways, but it does still touch my heart
I never understood the actual meaning of this song but lines of it touch me deeply
I have been holding back this art that I made from this song because I feel like I am too intense, but she has told me not to hold back but I am still ridiculously nervous and embarrassed by my extreme feelings.

It’s strange to me that my grandparents and great grand parents were getting married in their teens and staying married forever and I can’t even convince someone that I… well, I will be 40 before I know it. Why do I even feel this way.

And the best part, is after that emotional journey that this album takes me on, I am left wanting to watch “Better than Chocolate”

One more time

Through this world I’ve stumbled

• by admin • In Grammy Nominee, Music, Rock •   0

Damn, tonight I am on a roll for wussing out. It started when I thought that I was going to write about “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Fergie tonight but that switched gears when I got on a Mirror Ballroom kick about 10:30 tonight. By 11:00 I was messaging and asking her to come over (rhetorically – cam someone ever come over rhetorically? I may be altered) So I hypothetically ask her to come over – as in there’s no way in hell that I think there is a hundredth of a chance that she would, but for whatever reason, I think it’s fun to talk about.

Then when I got home to my silent house, I pulled up YouTube and one of my favorite videos were up on the front page which was Sarah McLachlan and Melissa Etheridge – so I clicked it. That is where the Mirror Ballroom spiral started.

There was a period of time that I was driving up to Southern Oklahoma and back. At that time, one of the albums in my car was Mirror Ballroom. I loved listening to a mix of Sarah Mclachlan, Ani DiFranco and Melissa Etheridge and I suppose that is resurfacing.

And then I tell her?! Maybe I should start writing a book on things that no one should ever do. I am quite sure that I am at least a few chapters in already. Tonight, I learn the value in my brother’s constant talking and interruption. I never have the time to drift down any rabbit holes.

Sarah McLachlan – I Love You

Sarah McLachlan – Hold On

Sarah McLachlan – Good Enough

Sarah McLachlan – Fear

You’re so much more than good enough

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Rock •   0

Listening to the songs below just remind me of the days that I longed to be in love. I couldn’t wait until these songs meant more to me and now, I am deathly afraid of it, so much so, that I have grown complacent and have no desire to talk to others. Throwing me into a room full of men and a butch lesbian and a ghetto 50 year old married woman was a cruel and unusual punishment, but it will ensure that I do not fall victim to whatever manipulator roles up into the local phone company. I have so many mixed feelings that I feel awful saying, but I fell in love with the young kids soon – and I an afraid that was the plan all along.

Anyone would be mad at how many Melissa Etheridge cruises I could have gone on if I wasn’t supporting so many people. Somehow there is always a leach and I feel like it is getting painfully obvious.

I feel like my brother is feeling guilty for his mental state and dependency on me so he is leaving to Seattle and I can only support him and hope he makes good decisions. I am going to make sure he gets a roommate place when he gets there and pay for the first month and I sure as hell hope he can take it from there because a room for rent up in Seattle is $700 and if I am paying for rent in Seattle, it is going to be real painful to pay my rent here too. Then there is my ex and the kids – they should be leaving by July 25th, because from what I understand there is someone waiting to move in there. That will be a relief and a stressed too. I will be worried about my minor and adult children as they are out of site, but that’s fine really. I need a damn break.

I have talked to the person that recorded this a few times online. She talked to me about my Melissa Etheridge videos from New Braunfels, but I have started to notice that she has thousands of videos. She is clearly no amateur. I want to ask her what she does but I am not that assertive. I couldn’t even bring myself to send it to her, I only mentioned it as casually as possible. The truth is, when I stumbled across it, I felt my pulse accelerate until I could feel my heart beat in my throat. Due to currently technology, my brain deiced to measure it, because math and history – well, 120 bpm is how this recording makes me feel even though the sound quality is tricky. It’s on a cruise ship, think about the limitations.

I shall now refer to Bishop as the great divide.. not really but tonight I will.

When I was younger and started to listen to what I would call Lesbian Music despite the fact that many were not lesbians at all, I meant wymen rock or something – I don’t know the correct term but I have seen it come up in Ani Difranco’s book, however the other term seems more derogatory to me – this isnt the WNBA here, these are international rock stars.

This is the first time I have listened to these songs in the last 6+ years… I am sorry that they mean so much to me. I guess this is what sorry – not sorry means.. I really can’t put into words how listening to these songs feels and I know that I shouldn’t – so there’s that.

What is San Francisco like this time of year? Are pitbulls welcome?

Hold on, hold on to yourself, for this is gonna hurt like hell

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Folk, Grammy Nominee, Rock •   Comments Off on Hold on, hold on to yourself, for this is gonna hurt like hell

She broke my fuckin’ heart today. on Pi Day.

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As I sit here wondering which song I should listen to first, thinking about how I should take a shower so that I can breathe normally and contemplating the desire for my brother’s company.  He hasn’t seen me yet and he doesn’t know.  It’s almost guaranteed that he will say something insensitive and just piss me off anyway, but the distraction of his constant talking will help me avoid my constant thinking.  He is right, we are good for each other.

Its my fault that I feel like this right now, she tried to give me one more peaceful day, because she just might know that practically freak out like the  guy that leaves the lights on..

The first time that I watched that video, I emailed her about it.  Why am I such a weirdo?  When I cry over her, it always feels a little more real.. well, I don’t cry over things that aren’t real.. The way that I breathe out slowly and my chest shakes a little.. it always reminds me of the way that I feel about her, maybe there is a sense of trying so hard to understand the positive.

My dog has started to whine for this cold taco that probably sucks ass at this point.  I feel like I ordered it over an hour an a half ago.  back in the past.. ast.. ast.. ast..

There I was, sitting at Torchy’s Taco’s.  They were particularly busy on this spring break night.  She replied to my casual text telling me there was something that she needed to tell me and asked if I wanted to go for a walk tomorrow.

Once we confirmed that one of my least tragic, worst fears were coming true, I tried to remain calm and not be bothered by such shocking news.  Since I have been crying for over an hour, slowly and quietly, I do not think that I am doing the best job at that.

My brother has since walked in the room and has started playing the bass behind me.  Like with everything, I will trust that this is for the best and then go forward the best that I can.  Does she know how much this is crushing me.  Is she moving back there with him?  This hurts worse than I thought it would.

When I was younger and devastated, I would listen to Sarah Mclachlan.

Her text felt something like this:

It’s just you and me on our island of hope

I don’t have to pretend, she doesn’t expect it from me

• by admin • In Folk, Music, Pop, Rock •   0

There are certain moments in our lives that make me see the progress. As long as I am moving forward, I am happy. We have had a history of… unconventional communication, to say the least. It had been about 2 weeks since we had gotten our hair cut together. I hadn’t really heard from her much, which is always hard on me. I am not sure how this song related at all, but it’s what is playing in my mind.

I feel like we get closer every day, even though I go weeks and sometimes months without even seeing her. Most of the talking is one sided but I truly believe that she likes my communication.. even though most would not agree with me.

Today I was reminded of how much I have grown up in the last 2 years.. I was at a local gas station.. read the condom wrapper next to me.. and I didn’t even puke.. exaggerated, maybe.. but yes, it happened. Then I contemplated sexuality and questioned my lack of desire.