Genesis

And these are the hands we’re given

• by admin • In Hard Rock, Music, Rock •   0

I went out to Stonewall tonight.  I said a few things to her throughout the day but once I started drinking – I knew it was best for me to shut the fuck up, so I didn’t say anything at all.  Well, I did say something after calling her pretty but I had barely started drinking at that point and there was no way it could have been inconsiderate or disrespectful.

It’s really important to me that I never make anything harder on her and that she knows that I have the purest of intentions.  I might get nervous as hell when I don’t know what is expected of me.  The world knows that I wanted to run up to her and hug her but I am guessing that is not the best thing to do.  Then I didn’t want him to see me and try to talk to me, there is no way that I could have kept a straight face if he would have introduced me to her.  I really don’t think that he would have said anything to me in that situation but the few times that I bought sandwiches where he worked, I was quite shocked at how well he remembered me.  I tend to believe that I can blend in and not stand out – but I have never really been that person.  I haven’t been able to follow gender norms since I was allowed to think for myself and around here that didn’t always go so well.

The more I drank, the more my mind wandered.  There was a bunch of kids with Xs on their hands at the gay bar – was very uneventful.  I questioned what I would ask her if I could ask her anything.  The first thing that came to mind was if she could go to that bonzi garden with me sometime next week but I told myself that the scheduled did not match up.  I’d ask her about what she was going to try to tell me about, just what has been going on and what can I do to make things easiest?  I’m afraid she thinks that I can’t handle it or something or maybe she’s just not ready.  It means a lot that she would even try or consider it.  I would ask her if she was happy, but I would want a real answer.  I’d ask her about her grandma, but I am always too scared to ask that question.  My heart sunk when she contacted me to tell me that she found out she was sick – then we lost contact and I thought about it way too often.  I had always wanted to paint those shoes in the barn, but knew I was not good enough and forgot what they looked like exactly, not that I ever really knew, but I did know why they ended up there and that’s what touched my heart.

Then I drifted off into, what would I want her to know.   I would want her to know that my feelings have never changed for her, though I had tried to change them many times.  If she ever needed a place to go, I would welcome her without question or expectation and give up my bed quickly if asked.  Maddison and I are just friends and will not be getting back together and she’s quite aware about how I feel but she tells me you have no interest in me, not that I listen at all, which if you didn’t that’s fine with me too but it turns out, I am quite interested despite my best efforts not to be.  I know that she cares about me.  I know that she cares about me a lot.  I’d never ask if she had any romantic feelings for me, because I just can’t justify that as appropriate.  Though I am sure most people wouldn’t believe it – I try my best to do the right thing.

Something funny did happen at the bar today.  Apparently, when I was up buying drinking, this gay guy saw me and got really excited until I turned around and he was I was a woman.. I totally missed it but my friend did not.  Gotta love that.  I really didn’t have a song so I just chose one.  My brother plays this song all of the time.

I could leave but I won’t go

• by admin • In Alternate Metal, Grammy Nominee, Hard Rock, Heavy Metal, Music, Nu metal, Pop, Pop Rock, Progressive rock, Soft Rock •   0

This morning, as I headed to work, I wondered if her number was still the same because I plan on texting her tomorrow. It’s an important day.

I wondered how she felt about my current situation. The interruption of the work day put that though to rest.

It reminded me that life is never what it seems.

Genesis “That’s All”

Disturbed “The Sound of Silence”

Youtube decided that I needed to listen to this song:

Phil Collins “In the Air Tonight”

Genesis “Land of Confusion”

‘I could leave but I won’t go, it’d be easier I know’

• by admin • In Pop Rock, Progressive rock •   0

Getting out of bed in the morning is always the hardest part.  Maybe I should change the time that I have been taking my medicine.  People say it can make a difference.  I strolled into work a casual 20 minutes late but no one complained.  Luckily, last Thursday I went straight into work and took the next available day off.  Thank you last week me for knowing that this week me would still not want to have anything to do with work.  It’s almost like I have been here before and I just don’t want to see another self fulfilled prophecy, so I can’t even talk about that, but I plan on doing things a lot differently.

Last time I felt like I had lost everything that I had dreamed about for so long, I went a little… wild.  I was on a search for something that is not easy to find and I went about it all the wrong way for so long.  In about 2012 I had realized that it just wasn’t working for me and quit dating ladies.. I actually hadn’t called anyone my girlfriend since 2009, until I met her.

She called me her girlfriend first, and since I wasn’t trying to find myself in some weird embarrassing situation, I was sooo clear.  I had asked her if we were actually together, you know, before I went and told the whole world.  It was a Saturday, it was slow at work, and I actually posted it on facebook and oh did my friends react..   I never told her but she’s not on facebook and would probably have considered it all silly anyway.  (To see the reactions)  The first one to comment was a girl that I had started to talk to briefly in May.  I had actually been at her mother’s benefit the day that I had met said lady.  Every time i wear those jeans and button up shirt together, i think of that day.  The shoes that I were wearing haven’t been worn since about that time.  Maybe they didn’t make me feel sophisticated enough for her.

The point of thinking about that was that, I never changed my relationship status away from that.  In July when she broke up with me, I left it stay the same for a while.  My friend Amber said that if I didn’t change it I would look crazy.. So I made it private.  I’m sure that’s less crazy.  Now, every time I open my facebook, on the right it says “In a relationship” and I get just a little sad thinking about how absolutely excited I was when I believed that I had everything I had been dreaming about.

Which leads me to thinking about how she just made my heart flutter so much by just walking in the door less than a month ago.  Maybe I shouldn’t have ignored the yellow flowers.  It does mean friendship, after all.  They were the ones standing out like my animation reference.  The denial was too strong.  The fantasy was also.  We have a way of seeing what we want to and ignoring the rest.

She is someone that I would tight rope walk on the bendy line of my out stretched morals while reminding myself to quit looking down so I’m not so afraid of falling.   I am scared of heights but no afraid of falling.

Now if I can just convince myself to leave her alone until she wants to have me back in her life.  Until then I am making changing to make sure I am easier to deal with.  She shouldn’t have to deal with me and my jealousy.

If the question ever arises, “Why would I spend time messing with a website that no one may see?”  The answer is simple: Someone may read it, and it may make a difference, specifically referring to only one person of course.  And if not, what do I have to lose?  It’s my attempt to do a little better about that walking away so tough and never looking back thing.  I only expected it to last a few weeks but it seems that I never even made it to the first step.. for me to shut the heck up.  It seems impossible.  The forces at be are more powerful than my amazing will power.. That’s all.

Updated: March 2018 – Image and tags