There was a time that I composed lengthy emails to M and I truly believed that they went unread. She has this sweet way of letting me know that is not the case. You would think that after the same thing happened time and time again, it would get easier. It doesn’t. It actually gets more frustrating every time that it happens. I cannot count the number of times that I have had to think, “I thought that we were over this” to myself.

On this Monday in history, I was lucky enough to combine the disaster that is my personal life with what was supposed to be a great day at work. When I am upset, there is no hiding it. I don’t mask my emotions well and every facial expression that I give will remind someone that I am not happy.

The gist of the situation was that just like with M, I met a new friend, I thought she was super cool and fun and faster than before – her jealous boyfriend put a stop to that. It’s the longest non story that could ever exist. The complexity of each situation makes it near impossible to explain why I take it so personally. My ethics — well — no one gives a shit that I am a good person, not to mention that I am far to shy to make the first move with anyone ever.

One of my friends that was trying to make me feel better about everything made me laugh by saying, “If any of these men knew just how innocent you were, none of them would even have a problem with any of it.”

I take it completely personally because I feel like once that they find out that I am a lesbian – it’s over. I had no idea that being a single lesbian was so difficult. Maybe it would be different if I had ever tried to “take someone’s girlfriend” or well done anything else wrong. I still can’t keep up with how I am supposed to know when some guys think its okay when their girlfriends mess around with other girls and others seem to have completely different ideas. I never understood that at all. The fact that I would have a near heart attack just imagining my lady with someone else keeps me from actually ever crossing that line. Life is so complicated and I am so lost. I would rather just never flirt with another girl again just to be able to have true, quality friends.

What hurts most is when you realize that your friends didn’t stand up for you to your boyfriend – I guess it’s just easier to let me take all of the blame since I am not there. It sure makes me look like a terrible person, but why would I care if I know the truth? This is still bullshit and I expected more out of each of them.