fear

Through this world I’ve stumbled

• by admin • In Grammy Nominee, Music, Rock •   0

Damn, tonight I am on a roll for wussing out. It started when I thought that I was going to write about “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Fergie tonight but that switched gears when I got on a Mirror Ballroom kick about 10:30 tonight. By 11:00 I was messaging and asking her to come over (rhetorically – cam someone ever come over rhetorically? I may be altered) So I hypothetically ask her to come over – as in there’s no way in hell that I think there is a hundredth of a chance that she would, but for whatever reason, I think it’s fun to talk about.

Then when I got home to my silent house, I pulled up YouTube and one of my favorite videos were up on the front page which was Sarah McLachlan and Melissa Etheridge – so I clicked it. That is where the Mirror Ballroom spiral started.

There was a period of time that I was driving up to Southern Oklahoma and back. At that time, one of the albums in my car was Mirror Ballroom. I loved listening to a mix of Sarah Mclachlan, Ani DiFranco and Melissa Etheridge and I suppose that is resurfacing.

And then I tell her?! Maybe I should start writing a book on things that no one should ever do. I am quite sure that I am at least a few chapters in already. Tonight, I learn the value in my brother’s constant talking and interruption. I never have the time to drift down any rabbit holes.

Sarah McLachlan – I Love You

Sarah McLachlan – Hold On

Sarah McLachlan – Good Enough

Sarah McLachlan – Fear

If you knew what I’m left imagining

• by admin • In Pop, Rock •   Comments Off on If you knew what I’m left imagining

When I say that I am always completely honest, that is a lie…

I always keep her feelings in mind. It isn’t always the first thing I think about and sometimes I have to calm down and remind myself what’s really important before I stop acting so childish.

If I told her how I really felt….

I would be afraid that I was providing a bias opinion. I know that no one would would give a shit about that but her feelings and best interests are what seem to be most important to me.. Which is exactly why at this point I just want her to tell me that she’s fine but she’s too busy to talk to me. Why is that comforting? I have no clue but I get pretty scared of some irrational things.

Do I really believe all of the things I imagine? I sure as fuck hope not, but crazy shit does happen. I never thought I would end up in such a situation. Just thinking about it all is enough to make me want to cry right now. One can imagine what I was like when I actually did read that post.

Did I say that I read it over and over again? Just to make sure.. that’s what it said. It never changed, and stayed up for so long.

When I think about that – I wonder how she felt when she read my reply – it actually devastates me to think about it. Just recently I was thinking about this, in a, I know its not easy being her either, type way…

This is when I just wish that I could sleep.

rumor has it, he’s the one i’m leaving you for….

• by admin • In Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop •   0

Today when I was driving to get my hair cut, this song came on the radio.  The first verse cut deep.  It was one of those situations where I heard these words from someone else.. to that other someone else.  It kinda made me mad to be honest.  I never say anything, because – I only want her to be happy..

But if she thinks that I didn’t notice the change in where she wears her rings, I have to say, that I pay more attention than that..

The last part of the song, after it slows down, always makes me of think of something else, related, coincidentally.. like when I say most mean things out of passion.. It’s a bit rough to find yourself in some situations.  The last line – feels like a dagger.. if anyone likes to know about things like that.

I notice other things, but have more patience than most people.

As I couldn’t shake the first verse and then the last few words, I wondered where the song changes.. What’s up with the genders and why does it fit perfectly to me?  It probably shouldn’t work out that way…

The Lyrics that I had to go back and read to prove to myself that I wasn’t hearing things.. Rumor Has It

As I drove to the hair salon, for the first time – these lyrics had be staring into space…

She, she ain’t real,
She ain’t gonna be able to love you like I will,
She is a stranger,
You and I have history,
Or don’t you remember?
Sure, she’s got it all,
But, baby, is that really what you want?

Bless your soul, you’ve got your head in the clouds,
You made a fool out of you,
And, boy, she’s bringing you down,
She made your heart melt,
But you’re cold to the core,
Now rumour has it she ain’t got your love anymore

I was a bit caught off guard on how person I took the words.  Then as I pulled into my parking spot and started to turn off the car, it ended with:

But rumour has it he’s the one I’m leaving you for.

It must have been the trans that I was in, but I was stuck with a… “Hey wait a minute….. type feeling.”  I may never understand what that song just did, but it seemed to really get my attention.

Terrible feelings after bad decisions

• by admin • In Words •   0

Fighting back tears is the last way that I planned to spend my night. My life had been going so well, how can things come to a crashing halt so quickly. What aspects should I have amended, where did I go wrong? Words circled my head turning my brain into a tornado. The least helpful ideas came to me throughout the day.

My friend called me as I got off of work today. She had ran out of gas while going up a steep hill by our neighborhood. Like any good friend would, I went and got her gas to help out. As I poured the remaining gas into my tank, since she insisted she didn’t need that much, something clicked… For at least a month, I had this picture of some random guy that I had hardly known years ago in my head, as I poured the gas I realized how I knew him. This may be some of the most random combinations of sentences, but it all seemed for relevant.

The last year has seemed like a movie where I was looking in. I don’t know if it is even worth speeding through the first two months but we will for comedic reasons. People need to laugh, after all.

Actually it holds no relevance to my life at all right now, one thing lead to another and I ended up talking to this woman, who I was so scared to ask any questions of. I had an immediate attraction. My friends could see the smile in my eyes when I would mention her name. They laughed at me when they would ask me simple questions that I couldn’t answer. “How old is she?”, “Is she bi or a lesbian?” I just laughed it off when they thought that it was crazy that I had no intentions of asking her any of this. From day one, I knew that I wanted to be around her. She made me laugh, smile, have butterflies in my stomach, and I could care less how old she was or what she said her sexual orientation was..

One friend came out and asked her how old she was, I felt like it was just one more number that people judged people by and I wanted to have no part in that. From the very beginning I had no intentions of judging her at all. This was the first time in longer than I could remember that I wasn’t looking for something wrong with someone. The things that I can find wrong with someone can go on forever, but it’s funny that I can’t think of a one right now. It’s been a too long since I have taken anyone seriously in my life.

Tonight she told me that we can’t see each other anymore. This destroyed my heart more than I expected. The music that I choose to listen to does not help one bit. After she broke the bad news, I did the one thing that I am fairly sure I should not have done. When she told me that we had to turn around and go separate ways, right then, I yelled out that I thought I loved her, and turned and walked away. I never looked back but I had to stop a time or two and I may have even sat down for a minute. I hoped that she had waked away and didn’t look back either. I wouldn’t want her to see me feeling so weak. The inside of my ribs hurt at this point. I keep waiting for her to show up at my house. What fantasy world do I live in?

Edit: Image added 3/2018