Last month, I found myself helping a friend move – looking for a distraction, but somehow it brought me right back to the middle of it all. That may have been due to my series of choices, but I remember that night like it was yesterday. It was full of fear and pain that has since dissipated.
My friend had borrowed a truck for me to use so that I could continue helping her move after my car had broken down the night before. We had already had a plan that I was going to take a load of trash to my old house. When I made this plan, I didn’t have enough forward thinking to realize what I could have avoided.
Maybe my car broke down for a reason, so that I couldn’t find myself pacing my favorite street – by now with tears in my eyes and the songs growing more and more grey. I had been stopping there on my way home from work – I guess that was the last time I went to work too.
On my way to drop off the trash, I stopped at my initials – picked up the three rocks that I had left there and continued on my way. I actually do not know it I left any there that night because it was the last time I visited that spot. I went to my old house, turned my head lights out, climbed into the truck like it was 2005 again (I have done plenty of slightly terrible shit) and just started filling up the dumpster with trash that wasn’t there’s. My friend showed up and emptied her car too and we planned to meet back at my house. I must have glanced up the street when I had turned left at the end of my favorite street because I knew that there was a Uhaul in her driveway and I was trying to hold it all together. I knew it was coming but it put me in a panic just to see it. By this time of night, it was late. When I left the trash dumpster, I knew the path I was going to take and decided that I needed to find 2 snowflake obsidian crystals in my pocket and gently throw them at the uhaul in hopes that she would find them the next day. I may never know if she did – she may tell me about it someday. BUT I didn’t stop there – I knew that I had to stop one more place. It must have been around 2 AM because the college kids were getting rides back to their cars. I shamelessly parked in front of her work and walked over to where I expected her to park- all of this could make me creepy as hell but as I continued to check, I was told that it’s romantic if they like it – I am still not sure I can tell the difference but I was attempting to show my ut most dedication in the most delicate ways and though visiting people’s work is usually not sanctioned, I think that we have a unique relationship and I believe it to me okay. After I placed the rocks on the curb thing, I still could not relax so I walked over to the back door just to look at it.
As I stood there, I put my hand in my pocket to see what other rocks I could hid and to my surprise, I found a necklace that I had picked up off the ground earlier that day. It was a rock necklace that I had originally obtained on ebay but felt that it was nearly perfect – it was most likely purchased for her to began with but I don’t have a lot of confidence in myself so I keep most of what I want to get her. Especially since I rarely get to see her – but I tucked the necklace back behind some conduit and then set a purple rock in front of it and the scurried off – hoping to bring a smile to her life when she discovered it.
The next day was historically a day that I struggle with due to a vivid imagination that works for and against me. I felt a bit better after I had performed my solo performance art act. She may be my only audience member but I would be awfully shy if anyone else knew what I would do to show my devotion. It may not be traditional but I think that it works well for us.
My mother, on the other hand, isn’t talking to me but I am not even sure why. My dad has suggested that she may have some sort of Alzheimer’s just based on the messages he has been getting from her. He hasn’t actually spoken to her since she went to jail back in June of 2016 and I sent her to GA on a plane. I still feel guilty at times but know that it is the only chance that we have to live a stable life.
When I was younger, I had no idea that Tracy Chapman was female. I didn’t even question it.
Maybe if I told you the right words
Ooh, at the right time you’d be mine
