I love letting my mind wander and escaping reality for a moment.  Today, I couldn’t help but revisit old conversations and feelings that I have never forgotten.

Really, I know better – I should calm the hell down – but there’s just something about clichés.  It’s not like she doesn’t know that I have been hoping to hear from her for a while.  It’s too bad that she has to find out my world is crashing down around me – one pillar at a time.

My brother has been the most difficult to deal with.  In the depths of my thoughts, I realized that her friend may have mentioned my brother’s posts to her – if she knew that she cared and would want to know.  It’s been intense – more than I could imagine dealing with.  My dad doesn’t know what to do.  My aunt has tried to talk to him.  I just try to be available to talk to him but he doesn’t even think that I care anymore.  He was staying with my dad after he came back right before hurricane Harvey.  He has stayed with me in Kyle but he fought with Maddison and the first night that we met Sarah, her new chick, she came to our house to work on our cars.  My brother mad some sexist comment about her and Maddison has probably been into her since day one because she kicked him out that night, we went to a hotel.  I wouldn’t let him go alone.  I am sure that was the beginning of the end.  Well – the start really was but who knows.  It was all terrible and for some reason, i thought it would be a good idea.

Well when he left Kyle, he went to my dad’s house but they started to fight.  We moved here in April when I left Jeremy’s and he has been here since.  He has his good days and his bad days.  His dog drank beer as he was going through this shit with a girl that has him completely fucked up.  He tells me in detail about how she took advantage of him while he was sleeping, which he didn’t even really care about and then he just told me recently that she said, “Why are you here?” to him after that like she wasn’t expecting it to be him.  I would see where all that could be terrible and then she told all of Port A that he took advantage of her – so that’s the short of it, but now he sits in his room – which doesn’t have any widows – does some drugs and gets extremely depressed about it and lately he has taken to facebook in trying to scare everyone that he knows it seems.

Dealing with Maddison’s drama is difficult just because she is completely manipulative and finds ways to make me care anytime that I don’t.

Getting laid off came as a complete shock – I don’t think that anyone saw it coming.  The good thing is that I have plenty of money and if I get this job coming up in March, then I will be able to save plenty of it or use it for something important – like sweeping a lady off her feet or whatever happen in tragic comedy fairy tales.  When people my age talk about fantasies – I don’t think they usually want to be prince charming.. but I kinda think I do.   Maybe I watched too much Disney but right now, I feel like I have reacted incorrectly to all of me instincts and when I say that I regret decisions that I have made, I don’t only mean that I regret dating someone when I was not actually into them, I mean – I regret backing off every time that I did because I thought that it was the right thing to do.  There are many days, I don’t think it was the right thing to do.

Don’t judge the music selection in this out pouring of my heart – it was courtesy of 99.5 while I was in the car.