Last night I had a dream about a snake. I was in a wooded area with 3 people. Someone moved something and a snake shot out. It was yellow and sped right for me eventually jumping and biting my hand. I yanked it off and started screaming for help. Someone came out of the house and the others ran towards me.
Since it was Valentine’s day, I spent time with the woman that I love most – my grandma. On the way to her house, I heard a song on the radio that caught my attention. It was about half way through the song when I realized that it must be called “In The Air Tonight” by Phil Collins, because I recognized a line that took me back to “Stan” by Eminiem. It’s funny that I have watched the movie “Kids” and related this song to Eminiem.. it’s just unexpected to learn anything from Marshall Mathers.
I really have no idea what that song is about but the first few lines spoke to me, then I realized it was the song that was referenced in “Stan” and I have always loved that song. I used to watch the “Guilty Conscience” video way too often too.
Today, when I was talking about going to see a friend after I left her house – she said, “That’s something you have a lot of – friends, that’s really good.” She married when she was 16 years old. She feels like she missed out on a lot in life – and I know that having her own personal friends is one of them. She is a twin so if it wasn’t her sister, it was her husband. She has no idea how much my friends help me get through. There are moments when I feel like no one cares and no one understands and that everything is pointless – and just at the right moment, someone steps back in my life and reminds me that I am worth it.. and that everything is just circumstantial. It makes a big difference. Never underestimate how much a few words might help someone on such a deep level.
When this video came out, I thought that it was so great. My life has changed a little, however, it is still entertaining.
The next song that I paid attention to while driving to my grandma’s house was The Cranberries.
Then I came home and my brother was singing a personal favorite of ours.
It’s been a while since I have written. I tried to make some changes after I turned 31 and moving on was going to be one of them. That didn’t go as planned, but I did start dressing nicer at work, which flowed over into my daily life, because I am not one to change my outfit multiple times a day.
Since I last wrote, I started talking to a friend’s friend – and the entire time, I was more concerned with what M was going that what she was. She could obviously tell, asking if i was going on a date when I would see her.. I don’t know what it was that I did, but I made it suspicious and nothing was even going on. She has been on my mind a lot lately. I have had vivid dreams about her for the last 2 nights.
The first dream was us messaging each other online – which was supposed to be gmail in my mind, but it clearly wasn’t. It was more of a cheap version of instant messaging like you see on older movies complete with the Mac noise for message received.
In that dream, I asked something like “Does he trust me yet?” and she replied with, “There is no he.” Typing dialogue has always seemed difficult for me, so I will apologize now for blatantly ignoring grammar rules in this paragraph. I know how it is supposed to be but in my blog, it’s like this. I then made a half ass joke about respecting any pro nouns that a human wishes to use.. and she laughed, said she needed that and followed it by ‘That’s not what I meant.’
As I read her last words, my nervousness about her, that I was sure had faded – came right back – full force. I was nervous, shy and didn’t know what to say all of a sudden. She does that to me. I have been working for years to convince myself that she is just my friend and will never be anything else.. the sheer opportunity in my dream left me speechless.
That is actually a dream that I had last Friday night, because I was thinking about it as I was drunk and riding in my friend’s car home from a party Saturday night. I decided to keep it to myself, because – well, besides the fact that I deem it inappropriate.. I share way too much information with her and that is one more thing that I need to work on in this 31st year of life..
The dream that I had last night, leaves me thinking that I thought about that dream way too much over the weekend:
The dream last night was less detailed or I can not recall it as well as I can the other one. The part that stands out most of my facial expression and reaction. I really don’t think that there was more to the dream than this..
I guess I should start with saying that I haven’t talked to M much this month and last night she messaged me asking me how I was feeling. I have been sick. Simple things like a message or email from her leaves my head in the clouds for hours at least.. so that happened..
and then I had a dream at some point last night.
She seemed to be meeting me somewhere and said, ‘I’m still not really supposed to see you.’ I looked at her concerningly and said, ‘Okay.’ I have no idea what the next few words were but somehow she said, ‘Yeah, my new boyfriend’s name is Lawrence and he’s just not big on the idea.’ You can only image how much my heart sunk. It was so fast that it hit the floor and shattered and I know that it was all over my face. That is all that I can remember.. really – all I know is that she had a new boyfriend named Lawrence – the rest of it, I haven’t a clue. It was enough to bring my world to a crashing halt, thus reminding me that just because I can ignore my feelings if I want to, it doesn’t make them any less meaningful or extreme, they come right back the minute that I stop actively trying to ignore them.
I collected a few articles this morning. My dreams really get to me. I have extremely detailed dreams that always revolve around something troubling me in my waking life. Here are some links that I have collected to help me sort it all out.
What Dreams Say About Your Sleep
Creative People Remember More Dreams
Why Some Remember Dreams, Others Don’t
Sometimes I find myself in situations where I don’t want to do a thing. I seem to make it to work and back without issue because I know that I have to. As for cooking, cleaning and other things that you would think that I have to do; not so much. I think I was like this right before I met her. When we started dating, I wanted to eat every meal with her, mainly because, I finally wanted to eat. Aside from eating out at places, I can not even tell you the last thing that I cooked. Luckily for me, I can survive on very little. Honey Nut Cheerios, yep, dinner one night. I even know that it is ridiculous but I can’t stop putting my life on pause for her.
This song….
…is one of those songs I hear from another perspective now.
If she can tell what I am feeling and thinking, that was interesting. I had no idea that the movie had some many reoccurring themes.
Just today, I was thinking about that dream that I had. The one that meant the most to me.
It’s been weeks ago by now. It was the Sunday before I returned to work from my vacation, so I believe that makes it about a month ago. I probably haven’t seen her since I had that dream. Now is the first time I put that all together.
I believe I disclosed a few details about the dream to her. The words that she spoke to me in the dream circle me daily. The look on her face when she said it follows me as well.
“J__, I love you, I truly do, but now is not the time.”
Last night, I had a dream that was similar, but in the one mentioned above, there was nothing but us, completely darkness, like a photo shoot almost.
In the dream last night, it was not as secluded, just every day life, and she said something to someone along the lines of, “She doesn’t know that I will be there to take amazing care of her, no matter what.” There was nothing there, but my heart and feelings, to tell me that she was talking about me, but she sure did spend 3 hours watching a movie that I wanted to see. That goes far with this little lady.
Last night, before I went to bed, I sent her a quick email telling her about my Halloween and wished her sweet dreams. I usually send her a text or an email each morning and night, since she is the first and last thing on mind. Maybe its super annoying, but until she tells me so, I am convinced that it is romantic.
At some point after that, I had the sweetest dream about her:
She grabbed my face softly and said, “J—, I love you, I truly do…” that’s generally when I stop listening. Even in my dreams, she says things like, “But now is not the time, please don’t doubt my feelings for you.”
Maybe that’s what I needed to hear, so my dreams manifested it.
Tonight is going to be a long night..
How did I think that I was going to react?
Almost makes me wonder about my dream about seeing her wear both rings again. I cried once she made me talk about it with her.. in my dream.
I had a song to write about but I forgot what it was now. The other day I was driving in the car with her and I kept coming across the Passenger song, “Let Her Go.” and I had to keep changing it because I couldn’t listen to it next to her. When I check my Shazam I am reminded it was Dreams by The Cranberries….
Most people don’t know this about me.. but I didn’t believe that I would ever let myself love someone again, and I’m pretty sure that I do….